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I remember this moment vividly. Your hanging body behind the bedroom door. The deafening sound of the train passing by, I begin to collect myself as I stare out the window. Before I grab my gun from the closet and set it on the bed, I sit for a moment. Staring into your lifeless eyes, wondering what led you to this. I can't live without you. I can't live. I put the gun in my mouth and take one last look at you. One last breath, I close my eyes.

- Portrayal of guilt
oh please consider this journal as a 0.2 version of my other microblog on P-N (pumpkin-ninja)
Feeling less exposed here, and so i can ramble about my difficult issues without the fear of being judged.
Well, first of all i lost my job and it's the third day which I go to sleep at 4am and woke up at 13h. I didn't properly lose my job, but my contract ended and so I am now so unemployee. I was just telling myself that I MUST focus on art, since i enjoy doing it and also because i am pretty decent at it. Also, i love surfing on people's neocities instead of using social media ! Such a good place to be.
I am working on writing more nsfw since this outlet really helps me to... experience things without putting myself in danger. I know I'll probably regret everything when i'll grow older but whatever- It helps me for now (also i am not sharing everything online, because illegal stuffs lol)

Sometimes when I discuss with some partners I just focus on their wrong sideeee and it makes me feel so snooty because i really hate : disrepectfulness and extremes.
Honestly, many of people just... categorize themselves and it's driving me INSANE because 1) i don't want their bad influence 2) i am neutral 3) i really hate influence.
Also I red on a nc someone that was writing about just finding people who give the same energy and also being their type. Looking for someone is it better than just stay with the same people around you and accept their behaviours ? Idk. Another friend told me that the easier way it just to accept people. Maybe i should explain to them why you can't stand their attitude. I should learn to speak OUT LOUD why and say STOP when something bothers me. I am uneasy face to confrontation, violence, and some of people around me truly push my nerves and out of my boundaries. I also really need to learn to don't let myself getting hurt by others.
Having a hard time. Going to sleep after 3am, waking up so late every day (after 12h)
I've been daydreaming about living the crack life But i CAN'T give up
Watching Black Metal Veins (2012) and it fucked with my brain
(tw : drug issue, addiction, irl)

The fact I spend too much alone make me choose to be so unhealthy
Its almost end of 2024 i am still in that state of mind ?
or have i been all my life in that illusion ?
"uh i am in control"

Struggling to get up, somehow feeling overwhelmed all the time. Not less lifetime left at the end of the day.
Thirsty for Exist Trace.
Filling void in the chest, feeling having gravel in the cagebone. Heavy limbs.

Something was missing. Whenever I woke up in the morning, something is missing. Deep in my heart I knew... something went wrong, and went worse even more.
I HATE U FUCKING HATE HOW UNINTERESTING I AM WHEN IT COMES ME TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING I AM TIRED I JUST KEEP SEEING AND FEELING THE PERSON HAVING LESS AND LESS INTEREST IN WHAT I TRY TO SAY AND IT JUST FUCKING KILL ME THAT MY VOICE CAN NOT REACH ANY HEART
THERE'S NO ONE
CAN ANYONE SEE MY POTENTIAL ?
I JUST WANT TO BE ACCEPTED TOO
aaahhh... i've been rewatching scrap heaven (2005), it's late here
i am sipping a late cup on the floor of mt kitchen, watching
my life has nonsense, no schedule, nothing
and i am living it at its best.

my stomach hurts as usual because it's late and i must go to sleep before i get hngry (casual)

Sometimes I just adore how lost i am because i have control on my life's direction and am animated by films (holidays)

I suspect my neighbour to know i am trash

wait im so fucking dumb 10/23 is november, i must change it (soon) when ill turn on my pc We made it to October !!
[insert cute little pumpkin pixel art]
Yesterday I participated to an artist market and sold so many things i created! I definitely should get rid off all my stuffs because it's so good to see people going home happy with their new little founds.

I also received a call for a job interview for an adorable little shop, but I'm starting a paid coding formation so I don't know what to choose. uuuh
My job interview is friday at 3pm, and i must prepare myself to being clear with my demand. That i am looking for a part-time employment.

Translating a book in German to English. The name is Equilibrium, by Guilt+Pleasure. It's certainly nsfw and has homoerotic content. I couldn't find it in English or French so i decided to learn German beause my curiosity was piqued by this artwork. I raed "In these words", with the greatest art and illustrations. Absolutely adore the mature content, and characters. Then i discovered more of these artists and read "Father's Figure". Really really insane. Certainly not in the good way.

me to my friends : please please let me sleep or i'll throw up
oh my fucking jeeeeeeeeeeeeez cries
My tablet just fucking died; byebye

soon is my computer and my phone RIP
May I be honest there,
feelings are too much
nonsense
losing myself
keep fighting
exiting life
brighter memories
being the only responsible of your happiness



obsessed with this video : (weird and possibly disturbing content. tw : machine and blood)

Dear month of December,
To be honest, I've been struggling a lot this month. Last month passed so fast, i thought cold season and depression were over but then the daylight fades at 5pm and it's 4°c outside. I received a bill telling me to pay 100 bucks for electricity while I live in the dark ; I've been socially exhausted and still pushing my limits to the core until I collapse and regret everything the day after. Making bad decisions, using wrong words, being anxious but also feeling like people they see how unhealthy I am becoming. Had my most violent bul crisis. Losing everthing but weight (42kg), my friends, family, hopes. Binging everything, time, fridge, house, carpets, books, electronic stuffs.

I wish I had more interesting stuffs to say irl, so I am focusing on what I can master. I need to study harder, to remind me what I wanted to share.
Some list of subjects I want to learn more about / to do:

"Quand on aime les choses, tout devient naturellement plus difficile car toute chose devient importante."

Tout peut être parfait selon un point de vue, si tu y es indifférent.
La plupart de mes écrits sont scellés, et je masque ça par un voile de mystère ; pour ne pas laisser ces maux influencer ma vie, mes relations ; pareil pour certaines expériences que je ne garde que par simple fierté romantique. Vous seuls, qui avez accès à cet espace, à le hasard observable de lire en moi.

Aaah... last day of the year. Spend the whole night outside, it was raining. I was preparing myself at 22h listening at Avril Lavigne songs, Green Day, Little Sister from the film LOL. It was one of my best time. In my very personal space, my punk time, my lonely wolf moment. With all my heart I cherish these moments. With my friends, we went to place Poelaert, after 00:01 we were in another dimension. The time is passing, we are alive.
At first, I wanted to go to the cybercafe Outpost but it was probably closed. So we head on to the apt of a friend, and we met another friend, and another. What a world !
I really had a good time hanging with some good old friends. I was mainly sober, but the good mood was hitting me and cheerful wad in a pleasant humor. Rare thing, especially in the end of the year.