Translation of a book in German to English. NSFW, trigger warning : violence, verbal abuse, physical pain, mxm erotic subdom experiences and such.
original art & writing is by Guilt+Pleasure.
Characters : K = Katsuya Asano (psychologist and teacher) / D = David Krause (policeman) / M (who is he ? / dom) - K and D have a romantic relationship since they work together
During the seminar, an unexpected call came from the person on duty, forcing him to leave class. Katsuya answered the phone. "Can't this wait ? I'm finishing in one hour..." "I'm afraid not, Doc K." the sergeant replied. His New York dialect made K frown involuntarily as he tried to understand his words. "Krause wants you to meet him at the crime scene." "And then ?" I don't know. Just heard it's about an ugly suicide. He needs you there at two." A glance at his watch told him that he had half an hour to get wherever. "Could you give me the address-" "No need. I've already sent a patrol car to pick you up. Just wait outside. It should be there in ten minutes." K thanked him and hung up before you could tell how upset he was. He shoved the cell phone into his pocket and returned to the seminar room. He apologized, picked up his briefcase, promised the instructor that he would take the next class, and left. ~ The chatty, twenty-year-old uniformed officer who picked him up in a patrol car had graduated from the academy just a few months ago. K sat silently in the passenger seat as the young man spoke like a cascade about his decision to become a police officer. K nodded occasionally but barely listened. " Here we are !", the police officer explained as they pulled up to an apartment complex. K sat up from his seat. The usually quiet building was swarming with onlookers, crammed behind a police cordon. Several crime scene vans, a hearse and four patrol cars with flashing lights on were parked in front of a building with the number 2211 painted on the side. D's car was double parked in front of a fire hydrant. "It was nice chatting with you, sir”, the patrol officer said, pulling up to the entrance. K gave him a smile and wished him a nice day as he got out. He watched as the patrol car made three turns and drove away. Leaving only a three-foot opening in the sidewalk, glowing police tape wrapped around the building. He rummaged in his pocket for his ID and showed it to the officer. "Detective D called me here." K informed the police officer stationed at the only entrance. "He said you would come", the policeman replied, speaking into a radio that was attached to his shoulder epaulet. He asked D to come outside. “He said you should wait here for him. You don't have to go in there." Confused, K just nodded and took a few steps away from the man so he wouldn't have to talk to him. He actually was annoyed. He didn't want to be here. Ten minutes passed before D came out of the building. K grimaced, although he was beaming with a broad smile. "Why do you need me here ?" K replied harshly to D's greeting. "I just had an important class. It took months to get in there." D walked to his car to be out of earshot of the other officers. “Isn’t it your birthday today ?” D asked as he opened the trunk. He leaned against the bumper and held the heel of his right shoe with the toe of his left shoe to take it off. K watched him, confused. "What does it matter ?" K replied. "It's just a day like any other." D kept his smile as he emerged from his shoes and wrapped them tightly in a plastic. "I change my shoes before I go to a crime scene. Once blood gets into the laces, it's impossible to remove it", he explained. "Even if just a single drop, your shoes are ruined. And you never know during a mission whether you're going to walk straight into a slaughterhouse." He slipped on another pair of shoes that was on the ground next to the car and stood up. "Today is your birthday", he repeated, closing the trunk and motioning for K to get in. "And what about your work investigations ?" "It's a suicide", D replied with a shrug. "There is no murderer to look for. Why am I the head of the department if I end up having to hold each of my men's cocks while they pee ? I assigned two of the guys to do it." K didn't want to go with him. He suddenly felt stupid for being summoned to a crime scene only to be whisked away on an impromptu birthday date. He looked around again and then got in to avoid a discussion and because otherwise he wouldn't be able to get home unless he got a ride from another patrol car. "It's selfish of you to think you know what I want to do today.", K said as soon as D pulled the car into traffic. "You should have asked beforehand." "And then you would have done everything to ensure that I couldn't track you down. What is it about your birthday and certain holidays that makes you afraid to be around people on those days ?” He took his right hand off the steering wheel and carefully placed it on K's left. "These days don't mean the same to me as they do to most other people", K replied. His voice was still strained. He kept his gaze straight ahead, but he didn't shake D's hand away. D curled his fingers to hold K's hand loosely in his. "The fact that you exist is the greatest thing for me," he said, looking further ahead. "And now you are here with me." K almost smiled. "Not false", he finally commented. His bad mood was forgotten for the moment. "I always notice how casually and unbiased Americans can talk about these things. I just can't get used to it." D laughed. "I know what spells work", he remarked. "And don't worry about the course. The old man gives these lectures to the feds at Quantico all the time. I ask the captain to send you there next month." "He doesn't like you." “But he does like you", D replied. “I wouldn't be surprised if he accompanied you to the course and caused the receptionist to accidentally book you into the same room." "Still.", K insisted, "Even if you meant well, that doesn't excuse you forcing me to spend the day with you against my will." "I don't really know how to feel.", D confessed. "This has never happened before." "Before what ?" "In my previous relationship, this was almost a mandatory requirement. Even if I was called to a case on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday, it was still my fault. And I somehow understood that, even though I got in trouble that I didn't deserve." "Are you saying that I'm tiring or not ?" "I don't know for sure", D replied. He turned his head to smile at K. "It's nice when you don't have excessive expectations weighing you down in a relationship. But on the other hand, I would like to spoil you. Can you please allow me to do that?" "You can spoil me anytime", K replied. "You don’t need a special reason for this." Then they were silent. D continued to hold K's hand. Neither of them said a word until they approached D's apartment. "Sorry.", said D as he pulled the car into his parking space. "I didn't mean to kidnap you. But it means a lot to me to spend the day with you." "You don't have to apologize", K assured. "I'm a little annoyed, but I'm not upset." "Then I can spoil you ?" K wrapped an arm around D's neck and pulled him for a kiss. "You should - every single day." Another feather-light kiss followed, in which their lips brushed against each other very gently. Suddenly K became aware of his surroundings. He leaned back and broke the tension with an embarrassed clearing of his throat. "We shouldn't do that here ..." D smiled and kissed K on the cheek. "Okay, okay. You don't like public displays of affection", he said. "I hope you're hungry. I have a nice, juicy steak with your name on it." K tilted his head. "You have strange euphemisms." D laughed. He couldn't resist stealing another quick kiss from K's lips. "You can have that too, after I've cooked it for you", he explained, "as much as you want." K had taken off his jacket and placed it over an armchair in the living room. He took small, careful sips of tea from a ceramic mug marked "Homicide : Our Day Begins When Yours Ended" and flecks of red, sitting at the kitchen table watching D prepare two fillet steaks that he cooked in a cast-iron oven pan fried. It was interesting to watch D work. The concentration he put into arranging the food on the plates was like that of an artist just completing his masterpiece. He inherited his knitted eyebrows and precise movements from an Italian uncle. D had told him that the man had been the private chef for a popular musician that K had never heard of. "One day, when I'm no longer a snoop, I'm going to pack my bags, go to Hollywood and cook for some rich asshole," D told him. K continued to sip his tea to stave off the hunger who was drawn by the delicious smell of his birthday meal. He tried not to seem too greedy when the steak was finally served to him with a glass of red wine. He ignored the salad served in a cut glass bowl and cut into his steak. "This is fantastic", he said after the first bite, nodding emphatically. D beamed. "I would have baked you a cake, but..." "I prefer meat.", K confirmed. "Make me a steak cake next time." D rose from his seat far enough to see K and give him a kiss. "Whatever you want. Happy birthday.", he said, "Whether you want to celebrate it or not." K a genuinely happy smile. D returned it with another kiss. "Thank you.", K said, motioning for D to start eating too. "I'm glad you threw my daily routine overboard. You're right, maybe I would have been angry if you had ignored my birthday." D sat back down and spread the cloth napkin across his lap. "Contrary to rumors, I didn't make it to detective in just five years just because I'm too cute." "V told me something interesting about you a few days ago," K began after taking a sip of his Merlot. "I'd rather not know", D replied, cutting off a piece of his steak. "He knows a lot of dirty secrets about me." “Oh really ?" D smiled as he chewed. "He knows me since I was still a patrol officer." "He told me you used to be a dom in the BDSM scene." D's expression remained unchanged. He took another bite of his steak. "That wasn't my idea", he explained, taking a sip from his wine glass to wash down the steak. "I was with someone who was into it and I adapted to that person's needs." "Someone asked you...", K began, but then stopped himself to find the right words. "Yes.", replied D. "I did this for about a year to make them happy." "It was a woman ?" “I'd like to say that I'm attracted to a person's soul, not their body, but that's not entirely true. I just like what I like.", D said with a smile. "But I was kind of happy when I didn't have to do that anymore. Even though I understand the psychology of pain behind it, I have never felt completely comfortable with it. When the moment was over, I always felt like a misogynist." K sat up in his chair, his food forgotten for the moment. "Why ?" "It's a very intense experience.", D described. "According to the superficial understanding of BDSM, the games are about a deep-rooted trust and that the idea of pain inflicted is subjective. But there is so much more to it. There is this person who has had their self-confidence, his identity, his ego -everything taken away from them. And you are responsible for protecting this absolutely defenseless being and giving it feelings, making it what it is at its core in this short period of time. From a purely physical point of view, I was in control. But they controlled everything else. I guess I could have gotten more involved and gotten more out of the experience if that had been my preference. I can't deny that there were some very powerful sexual connections there, like owning something very pure, and the love or lust in those brief moments was unconditional. However, getting to this point is hard work. Sometimes it felt more like trying to get an erection from an impotent man. Does that make any sense ?" K shrugged. "I loved them and did everything to make them happy." said D. That was the only reason I moved in that scene. It's not such a dirty secret. I've done worse things." "You've done worse ?" "Let's not wake sleeping dogs now." "Is that why you broke up with them ?" D tilted his head and thought for a moment. "Probably partly yes. I didn't want a slave, I wanted a partner. And they wanted more than I was willing to give." A few moments of silence followed. D continued to cut small pieces of his steak and eat while K sipped his wine. "Were you good at it ?" "Naturally. Getting into people's heads is one of my natural talents. It's not without reason that I have one of the highest confession rates in the department." Even though D had said it with a smile on his face, K knew it was true. On a personal level, many superiors didn't like D, but they couldn't deny that he was one of the best. He was one of the Commissioner's favorites. "If I asked you as a birthday present to take me to a place where I could experience something like that with you, would you do it ?" K asked. D put his cutlery on the plate. His expression darkened. "Would you be happy if I put on my uniform, talk dirty to you and give you a few light slaps ?" "I'm pretty certain it's not the same." "Have you always been interested in something like this ?" "Only as an explorer of the psyche. The transformation of pain into pleasure fascinates me." "That's not really how it works.", explained D. "Satisfaction only comes from being able to truly give up self completely and hope that someone else will give you everything. Unless you've always had this disposition and are willing to explore it, the pain can quickly turn into humiliation. And that can harm you. It can damage the relationship." "I think I can handle it.", K assured. "I want to know what it feels like when someone who loves me causes me pain." "That sounds more perverse than it actually is.", replied D. "I'm really not convinced you can bring yourself to give up on yourself completely." "Aha ?" "You are a very strong, proud man." D's voice became quieter, gentler. "But there's something so damn fragile inside you that makes people want to protect you. People like me." "Do you think I would break if someone hurt me ?" "I don't know", D replied. He rose slightly so he could lean in and kiss K on the mouth. "But I really don't want to find out." "I can take more than you think, you know.” K insisted. "Do you know why I don't think a day like my birthday is special ?" D sat down again. "Unlike most other people, I don't have an anchor." D furrowed his eyebrows. "People are connected to each other because of their need for an identity, for an ego. I am my father's son, my brother's brother, my wife's husband, the father of my children, a friend of my friends. We connect with other people in this way to define who we are. For most of us, our fundamental identity comes from our parents; they are, after all, our first contact with this world. I don't have such a connection." D remained silent, waiting for K to continue. "Even though I wasn't an orphan in the classic sense, I never knew my parents." "You mean you knew your parents but they didn't know you ?" "I never met my mother. Just a few hours after I was born, my paternal grandfather took me away from her. I'm not even sure my father was there when I was born. Ever since I was able to understand the concept, it has been drilled into me over and over again that I only exist because of the guilt two people felt after they fathered me." "I don't want to speak badly of your family, but it's really bad to tell a child that their parents aren't there for them because it was an accident." K shrugged. "Even if my grandfather hadn't said anything to me, I would have found out myself at some point. After all, it would have been obvious that other children had parents and I didn't. Where I come from, dysfunctional families are far less accepted than here." "So birthdays where the temporary focus is on the day you were pushed out of a uterus, however many years ago, are meaningless to you because of the way you came into being ?" K smiled. "It just doesn't seem like anything special anymore", he said. "You really are a good psychoanalyst, Detective. Are you hiding a degree from me that I didn't know about?" "Nope", D replied, picking up his cutlery again. He cut a piece of his meat. "I've only dealt with the most extreme cases of good and bad people for years. At some point you realize that they aren't knitted all that differently. People who are kind and generous have similar motivations to any kind of asshole. But I still think that a day like today is something special. It doesn't matter why you exist, just that you do. That's all that matters to me. And it should be for you too." K's smile remained unchanged as he watched D chew on his steak. "So... am I overthinking it when I assume that you want to experience this so-called psychology of pain just to... feel something else ?" K swallowed. "You're not entirely wrong, but in this case it's really primarily about satisfying my curiosity." "And you're not trying to compensate for anything emotionally ?" K laughed. "If I wanted to compensate for something", he replied "I would have slept with half the town by now." "Touché..." K snuggled into the soft sofa and sipped his coffee. The empty plates and the mostly untouched salad bowls remained on the table. D had excused himself to talk on his cell phone on the balcony - with the door closed. K watched as D paced back and forth across the small area—four steps, U-turn, and four steps again. From the look on his face, he was completely focused on the conversation. No matter who D spoke to, the person he was talking to always seemed to annoy him. When he came back in, twenty minutes had passed and K had drunk half of his coffee. "Sorry", D said, putting on a warm smile as he closed the sliding door behind him. "The call took longer than expected." "Was it about work ?" K asked. He placed his cup on a cork coaster on the living room table. "No." D replied. He pushed the cup aside and sat on the edge of the table. "I called someone who had a store on Long Island that I used to go to with my ex." K raised an eyebrow. His interest was suddenly piqued. "It's a safe club. Only members have access. There are a lot of rules, some of which I can't get around", D said. "Which means I may not be able to ensure that you are solely under my control." "I don't fully understand." "All subs are property. Shared ownership. I can decide whether I want to use someone else's sub or not, but a sub cannot refuse a dom. They won't have intercourse with you if you don't want them to, but they can certainly play with you. The house has these rules established for its members to promote different experiences." "Did it bother you when you had to share your partner ?" D shrugged. "Not really. They honestly enjoyed these experiences. It was a little strange watching my naked partner being groped by strangers, but I was there for them. It didn't affect me too deeply." "But... you don't seem sure that you would feel more than a little strange if I were groped." "Just because I'm not sure that's what you really want. As long as I've known you, you've always been very withdrawn. It took me almost a year to get into your bed. Could you really spread your legs naked for random men and women ?" K nodded thoughtfully. "I understand.' "Could you ?" "Right now I'm telling myself that I could. That it's a passing fantasy that I'm sharing with people I'll never see again. That I am a conscious participant and not a victim. Your presence helps me to hold on to this idea." K took D's hands in his and squeezed them lightly. "I think the question is whether you will still look at me the same way you do now after this experience." D raised K's hands to his lips and kissed them. "Always.", he insisted. "No matter what happens to you." "Will you get jealous when other men look at me ?" "I'll be beside myself.", replied D. "But I will hold back to give you the experience you want." "Good answer", K noted. "Am I right in thinking we can go there tonight ?" "We have an invitation for this evening. But before you start dragging me out of the house with the car keys in hand, there are a few things we need to go over first. From this point on, you will not question what I ask of you, and you will not refuse me. Once you do that I'll take that as your safe word and stop everything immediately." K remained silent. "If you can't bear to do a few of the things you need to do to prepare for tonight, you won't last a minute there. Then everything is over immediately and we don't go there." K nodded. D leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. "Go take a shower.", he said and got up. He turned around and started clearing the table. He didn't look up as K stood up and unbuttoned his shirt on the way to the bathroom. K stood under the hot stream of water. However, he wasn't sure why he should take a shower, even though it made sense that he should be clean for the evening. D's words echoed in his head. He told himself he shouldn't be excited, and yet in a strange way He was. He briefly wondered what kind of person he was to test the feelings of someone who loved him by allowing himself to be used by anonymous men and women. He hadn't heard D entering the bathroom until the glass shower door slid open. D was still wearing his dress pants and shirt. He had rolled up his sleeves. K grimaced when he realized he had a can of shaving cream and a disposable razor in his hand. "Will you..." K began. "Yes.", D replied. He stepped into the shower and immediately became soaked. You must be clean-shaven. K felt his face start to glow. It felt much hotter than the water flowing over him. Put your hands on the wall, I'll do it.", D said as he squatted down. "Spread your legs." K had a contradiction on the tip of his tongue. A pure reflex But he quickly suppressed it and did as he was told. He pressed his palms against the shower wall and stared at the gray and white marbled granite in front of him, trying to stop himself from looking down. He winced as D smeared a handful of gel around the base of his shaft. A violent shiver of excitement ran through him. "Don't move.", D warned him. He lathered the gel with a gentle hand. His fingers worked their way down his cock, moving around the base and then under his balls. K felt himself getting hard. "Does that feel good ?" "Yes.", K groaned, glancing down. D sat on his knees. His wet clothes clung to his body. He pumped K's erection in his hand. Hold still, D warned. He held his tail with one hand while he guided the blade to the root with the other. The friction was gentle and arousing. K grew even harder as he was shaved with small, careful movements. A few times he felt ridiculous, but then he didn't care anymore. It feels good. He groaned and felt his body start to shake. D gripped him tighter to keep him still. But he had to move. "Almost finished.", said D. K could hear nothing but the patter of the shower above him and the rush of his own blood in his ears. He felt dizzy. His palms slowly slid down and away from the wall. "Your hands don't leave the wall.", D said. That firm voice, which D had never used with him before, snapped him out of his trance and he adjusted the position of his hands. He shook off the dizziness that had overcome him. More minutes passed and K felt that delicious daze coming over him again. D was ready. He turned off the water and stood up. He kissed K and placed one of his hands on his freshly shaved crotch. The smooth skin that stretched between his hips felt strange. D's hand guided his. K had felt no shame until he looked down and saw his complete nakedness. "I feel ...kind of ...weird ...", K said. He couldn't finish the sentence. D laughed softly and kissed him. "Don't think about it.", he replied. "Just enjoy the sensations without thinking about what things mean and how they should be. There is only you and me here." K nodded. He removed his hand from his crotch and began to take off D's wet clothes. His fingers trembled as he unbuttoned his shirt and then undid his belt and pants. However, before he could unzip the zipper, K caught his hand. "As much as I want to, we don't have any time for that now.", he explained. "Unless..." K gave D a quick kiss. "Another time.", he said with a smile. "Whenever you want to do it again." "Oh, I will." "I didn't expect anything else." It was almost ten o'clock when D drove his car through an ornate metal gate after saying his name on the intercom. The driveway was almost half a kilometer long and wide enough for two cars to pass each other. Although it was too dark to see the landscape, K could see rows of neatly trimmed trees on either side of the driveway, surrounding brightly lit properties. D had held K's hand in silence throughout the hour-long drive. He stopped in front of the entrance where a man in a tuxedo and white gloves was waiting. "Nothing will happen to me.", K assured. He tried to crack a smile, but he couldn't. He didn't like the look on D's face at all, and just the idea that he was about to plunge into the unknown made fear threaten to overwhelm him. "An hour.", said D and put the car in park. "We'll disappear from here in an hour." K nodded. The car door was opened for him by the man in the tuxedo. He left. The man simply nodded in greeting before circling the car to the driver's side. D had already gotten out. He nodded again, then got into the car and drove away. "As soon as we walk through that door," D explained as he stepped next to K, you must become a different person." D placed his hands on K's cheeks. "You just have to become a different person. I will be here immediately if you need me." "Thank you.", K said. "I know how difficult this is for you." D kissed K on the forehead. "It's not, if that's what you want.", he replied. "No safewords, just call for me and I'll break it off and get you out of here." "Won't they get mad if you do that ?" The corner of D's mouth twitched upwards. "As if I care if anyone gets upset. After that has been clarified, you will now meet the owner of the house. And you will have to address him accordingly. He likes to destroy things from the inside out." He kissed K on the mouth. "Under no circumstances let him provoke you. He likes to play wrong." "I understand.", K said. He turned to the front door, which was made of thick crystal glass set in a wrought iron frame. In the illuminated interior he could see figures passing by. "I guess I won't be allowed to stay in a place like that." "There are dungeons.", replied D, gently pushing K forward. "They're worse than real dungeons. Don't let the exclusive exterior blind you." One of the doors opened before they reached it. A tall man in tailored leather trousers and a silver silk shirt stepped out. His white-blonde hair was long and held together with a silver hairband. A lit cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth. He looked older than D - he might have been in his late forties. The man greeted to D, "Weren’t you planning on coming in ?" he said. "I wanted to go through a few details with my guest first." answered D. The man looked at K as if he had just noticed him and smiled. "Not bad", he commented. "Have you finally given up and gotten yourself an Asian mail order bride ?" "... Mh yes." D replied. "So please be nice to him. He's just curious." The man took the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it away. The burning stub rolled over the immaculately polished stone tiles into a corner. K couldn't look away. This simple gesture told him that this was the man of the house. "I don't believe that." the man protested. He reached out a hand to touch K's face. Out of reflex, K stepped back so he was out of his reach. His behavior amused the man. "Do you understand what can happen to you in my house ?" he asked. "I own everything that walks through these doors." Out of the corner of his eye, K observed D anxiously shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "I don't own you.", K finally said. "Do you still want to come to my house even if you know I can and will hurt you ?" He spoke to me with a calm voice. The way he spoke to him, leaning forward slightly to be at eye level with him, instantly made K feel like a child again. "Yes." K decided after a moment's hesitation. A smile spread across the man's face. He held out his hand again. This time K didn't shy away from him. The man's hands were callused, rough as stone. He grabbed his chin and ran his thumb over his bottom lip. K could almost taste the tobacco. "This one is better than the last one.", he commented. "I haven't played with a boy in a long time." "We're leaving in an hour.", D explained. The man just smiled. "You can experience a lot in an hour." ~~~ K felt ridiculous as the man took his hand and led him through the door. D followed them. When he finally entered, there were more people inside the house than he expected. An atrium was brightly lit by a chandelier hanging three floors above them. Some people stood at the top of the stairs, others at the bottom. Everyone was elegantly dressed in expensive suits, tuxedos and evening dresses. The only exceptions were the naked ones. Some people wore metal collars or leather armor around their chests or waists. Some were on leashes. Two random people were crawling towards K. "Don't approach.", D said simply and shooed the two people away before they could get too close to him. They paused in their crawling movement and seemed disappointed by D's rejection. "Do you just want to watch ?", the man asked. "Yes.", replied D. "What a waste." M, the man remarked as he led him through the atrium to the back. "You're a precious one. Some of the sub were quite disappointed when you didn't come back." "People don't like it when a cop enjoys beating up people." D replied. "I missed your sense of humor too." "That wasn't supposed to be funny, M." That was the first time K had heard the man's name, "M." A single letter that made him even more awe-inspiring - a man who had no name. For a fleeting moment, K wanted to shake off M's grip on his wrist and ask D to take him home. But as soon as the thought occurred to him, he pushed it away again. He clenched his hands into fists. A sense of foreboding rose in K's mind and turned his stomach. They walked leisurely past men and women displaying similar forms of glamour, wealth and depravity. They only looked at him after noticing M's interest in him. K had quickly come to the realization that he had no identity here. He was uninteresting and not even worth looking at until M's presence piqued the curiosity of those present. He could barely make out D's footsteps, his heels clicking on the marble, behind him. He couldn't bring himself to turn around. "If you think we just beat people up here," said M as he pulled up to a polished oak door and unlocked it, "you still haven't got it." "No, I guess I didn't." "Oh but you know..." said M. He turned to D and smiled. "It's in you." K didn't have much chance to think about M's words as he opened the door and led him inside. M's grip on his wrist finally loosened as the door closed behind them. The room was simply designed, almost spartan. There was no furniture except two expensive baroque armchairs with seat covers made of red velvet. In the corner stood a vase about four feet high with light-colored, untreated wooden sticks sticking out of it. He wasn't quite sure what they were supposed to be for. M sat down in one of the armchairs and D made himself comfortable in the other. K stood a few meters away from them and looked at them. He didn't know what to do. It was the first time in his life that he felt so completely helpless. His obvious discomfort made M's smile widen and D's expression darken further. "You're clearly wearing too much.", M decided. His voice was deep and calm, but it was clearly audible in the small room and commanded attention. Without protest, K unbuttoned his shirt. His fingers trembled as he fiddled with the buttons. He kept his gaze straight ahead, past D and M, to an imaginary spot on the white wall. As he undressed, a mixture of sensations and emotions for which he had no name arose within him. Something he had never experienced before came together to create something new. He wasn't sure if it was something terrible or if he had just discovered something exciting. As he undressed and his clothes gathered at his feet, K trembled more and more violently. "You don't have to do this.", D reminded him. "D, you too are subject to the house rules.", M warned, raising a hand to interrupt him. "If you can't stick to it..." D nodded once. Satisfied, M left the sentence unfinished in the room. K was brought back to the present when M leaned forward and motioned for him to continue. He swallowed, slipped off the last of his clothes, and let his underwear fall to the floor. Time seemed to stretch. K had to consciously refrain from covering his nakedness while he was examined and examined. Although he could feel his face turning red with embarrassment, deep within him there was also a feeling of liberation at revealing all of himself. Maybe things would have been different if D hadn't been sitting a few meters away. Knowing he was there gave K strength. Even though he was stark naked and about to hand his entire self over to a total stranger, he didn't feel the slightest threat. More like indifference. Like going to the doctor and taking off your clothes to be examined. "Why are you here ?" asked M. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Not sure how to understand the question, K didn't answer. "I know you're a psychiatrist. A very educated man, probably from a reasonably wealthy household originates. What are you looking for in a place like this, with a man like me, that your life hasn't been able to give you so far? "I wasn't aware that there would be an interview or that I would have to stand stark naked in front of you.", K replied. He knew how sarcastic his words must sound, but he was just being honest. "You have no idea what I really want to do with someone like you." M said, laughing. "So you're, to use D's words, curious. Is that correct ?" "To some extent, yes..." murmured K. "Or does the intellectual in you want to test the theory that people who are attracted to what society sees as immoral behavior are somehow disturbed? Or maybe you just want to feel the endorphins that pain releases?" He paused. "Or are you disturbed yourself ?" K couldn't help but smile. "I suspect my desire to be here and expose myself to this vulnerability has a different meaning for you, depending on your motives." For a moment, D's tension eased and he almost grinned. M's amused expression remained unaffected changes. "You won't know who you are and what you want." M finally clarified and stood up "until you are alone with me. Without D.", M stepped forward until he was within arm's length of K. "This experience is worthless if you cling to your safety net." he said. "What I am doing here is not about satisfying curiosity." M leaned over and gave K a kiss on the cheek. K stood there unmoved. He didn't know what to do except let it happen. "Come to me when you're ready to let go." M said. He turned and nodded to D. Then he left, leaving them in an uncomfortable mood. "Let's go home." said D finally. K picked up his clothes and dressed in silence. M's words echoed in his head. Their meaning was completely clear and they had made a deep impression that disturbed him. They upset him more than they should have. A man who had only known him for a few minutes had dug deep enough to awaken self-doubt that K hadn't even known was lurking within him. "Don't think about it too much." D advised him. Silence correctly interpreted. "He's manipulative and malicious, but he is also respectful. He only tolerates complete consent and absolute obedience." K had dressed again, but his shirt was still hanging out of his pants and his belt was undone. He sank into the chair where M had been sitting and stared at the ceiling. "He was right in what he said." Katsuya finally said. "I wasn't afraid because you were here. I knew you would protect me. Any consent I would have given him would have been subject to a condition." "It's not about fear." K smiled at D. "Maybe not." he said and kissed D on the lips. "Thanks for bringing me here. Even though nothing actually happened, it was a very enlightening experience." D looked at his watch. "It's still your birthday." he noted. "But I'll still get what I deserve tonight." It was already after five when K reluctantly pulled away from D's warm embrace. He had to go home. He now had an hour and a half left to shower, get dressed and drive to work. D himself would have to get up in half an hour. He put the coffee on, pulled out his crumpled shirt and pants back on and borrowed one of D's thermo mugs to take a coffee on the way. The security guard at K's apartment complex wished him good morning as he saw him get out of the taxi. "Hot night ?" the stocky old man commented, apparently wanting to wink at K. But instead he just blinked. "Yes." replied K shortly. "Please come with me." said the man. He left his post at the main entrance and stepped in front of K. They walked a few meters to the reception desk, which also served as a surveillance station. The man bent under it. "Something arrived for you a few hours ago." he said as he rummaged through the shelves under the counter. "From whom ?" "A courier service. No idea. I just acknowledged the receipt." The old man sat up again and held a thin package wrapped in plain brown wrapping paper in his hand. It had no stickers or other markings. K took it and thanked him. K looked at the package for a moment. He examined the careful packaging. It had a fair amount of weight, and when he shook it, all he could hear was something in the box shifting quietly. He left it on the kitchen counter and didn't open it until after he'd showered and trotted back into the kitchen in his bathrobe. Hidden beneath the simple wrapping paper was an artistically decorated box, the metal edging of which was engraved with an elaborate pattern. He opened it. Nestled on a layer of white fabric was a silver necklace. There was a handwritten folding card underneath. He traced the outline of the collar with his finger before removing it from the box. The ring was loosely held together by a latch that had to be closed with a key. The collar was simple. No inscription. No decorations. There wasn't even an eyelet to which a chain could be attached. He opened the message. A telephone number had been written down in black ink and the letter M was written in the corner. As K looked at it, the previous night came back to him clearly. A smile had unconsciously crept onto his face. "What are your motives, M ?" K shook his head as if he needed to clear it of the unwanted thoughts that were looming over him at that moment. He read the message again before putting it in the pocket of his robe and going into the bedroom to get dressed. "You've been silent for quite a long time." K finally said. D was still clutching his cup, even though his coffee had long since gone cold. He just nodded, got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen to throw it away. Katsuya sipped his tea and listened as D rummaged through the fridge, glass bottles clinking as one was torn from the cardboard six-pack. When D returned to the living room, he was already drinking. "Maybe after a few beers I'll be able to better express the confusing tangle of something that's gathered inside me." D sat down again and took another long drink from his bottle. "Are you angry ?" Katsuya asked. D shrugged. "Not right now. But that is yet to come. I'm sure of that." A few minutes passed in silence. After finishing his beer, D went to get another one. "What are you going to do ?" D asked as he came back and sat back down on the sofa with the second bottle. "Maybe we should start with that." "I'm not sure." "I think I would have freaked out if you hadn't told me. " "Because it could be a kind of cheating ?" "No." D shook his head. "At least not in the actual sense. More likely because you assumed that I didn't agree and so well you would do whatever you wanted without saying a word." "And would you agree? Now that I've shown you all this and am asking you to do it ?" D tore his eyes away from the open box with the immaculately polished silver circlet sparkling under the bright light of the dining room lamp. His frown deepened. "No." replied him bluntly. "And not because I don't tell you." His eyes turns calmly to his hands. "... But because I know him and what he is capable of." He was curious, even if he tried not to show it. K placed his cup on the coffee plate and leaned back. D was upset and struggled to control his voice and temper. "Are you angry because he sent me this invitation ?" asked K. "Yes." said D. "I know he's curious because he saw that I care about you. I want to believe in myself that I am an understanding partner. You are not my property, but at the same time I don't like the feeling of someone invading my territory." "Is it more about him wanting to upset you than him having an interest in me ?" D shrugged. "Possibly." he replied. "It's not unlikely that someone like him gets more satisfaction by playing with my head and with your body." "And it would have been even more insulting if he..." asked K, pointing to the collar, "... had negotiated with you instead of with me?" "Of course, it would." D confirmed. " But that doesn't matter anymore because he sent you that thing just hours after he met you." D pulled a copy of LIFE Magazine from the compartment under the side table and placed his beer bottle on it. "This collar is worn so that others know that only he is allowed to touch you and play with you. With this he marks his ownership and at the same time you enter into a contract with him as soon as you put it on." explained D. He leaned back in his seat. "I still think you're idealizing what you saw that night. Some people want to use others. Some want to be used by others." "That Villa is just a fancy place where this power exchange takes place, and then everyone just goes home and gets ready for their daily work the next day. Without ballast. Just an interesting memory and a few bruises as a souvenir." "But isn't that exactly what it's supposed to be? A temporary fantasy ?" "For many of them, yes. But some people... are attracted to this lifestyle because it physically excites them to inflict pain. Sadists in the true sense. For them, the meaning of their life lies in breaking something and then putting it back together according to their own ideas. And they know how to make you believe that you want that too." "So M is a sadist ?" "Definitely." confirmed David. "And the worst kind. Not only does he derive satisfaction from the pain of others..." D fell silent. There was a frustrated look on his face as he searched for the words that wouldn't come. Finally he sighed in resignation and lowered his voice to match his desperation. "I can't state enough how dangerous this is." said D. "Deep down in my bones, I know that the more I tell you to stay away from this, the more it has an attraction on you. I understand that. When you can't have something, you want it even more. But I imagine I know you both well enough to know what happens when two equal forces collide." There was a pause. D reached for his beer but didn't drink. He watched the condensation run down the bottle and collect on his finger before he continued. "Actually, not equal. He will ruin you." "D...", K began. He felt the need to defend himself, even if he couldn't quite put his finger on why. He didn't know how to continue. He knew that D was being honest with him and that he was most likely right. "This isn't a game to him." emphasized D. "There are two possibilities for what happens when he's done with you : either you enjoy the experience and become like my ex - someone who gives up on themselves and can only thrive when someone gives them a new identity - or..." "I assume that would only happen if I already had these tendencies." K interrupted. "Fair enough", D admitted. "What if it's just easier? And you come to this realization through him ?" "Then that would have been in my nature from the start." "Doesn't mean it'll be better. We fight inclinations all the time to be who we want to be" replied D and look to K. K nodded. "And the second outcome ?" "Or you'll be broken. Into so many pieces that I don't think you will ever be whole again." "So you are convinced that he will win." "Yes." D said and drank. He emtpied half of the bottle and returned it atop the magazine. "And this isn't a game." K got up and moved to kneel next to D. He wound his arms around his neck and pressed him against his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm worrying you." he said.
D's arms circled K's wait and they held each other like that quietly for a long time, but K know that the tension wasn't going and D wasnt' soothed by the gesture. D's body wad still taut - the arms that were around K were wound too tightly. "I think you haven't considered a third outcome." K said, and cleared the locks of hair from D's forehead and kissed it. "That I might possibly be the exception and not the norm." "There isn't a thirt outcome." D said, looking up at K. "Please believe me." K forced a smile on his face and leaned his forehead against D. "Don’t underestimate me, D." he warned. "Everyone always does." 1 2 >>