Eternal garden of envy

🌸 List of things i need to remember 🌸



1) Get up with the sunlight in the morning, drink water and brush your teeth. I need a clean routine !
The harder thing to keep it clean is to maintain it until the evening. No cigs, no dark thoughts. (It can happen, it will happen.) Sober life is worth it and I will be happy, full of joy and grateful to life.
2) Be gentle with yourself, with your skin, with your needs, with your mind (watch your thoughts)
3) Nutriments are important. A body function with the contribution of food intake. Weight is just numbers and I am not going to do maths for that anymore.
4) Always depend of yourself first, be always kind but know your limits.
5) Study ! Do your homework on time, devote yourself to knowledge and don't forget to apply and practise !!!
6) Do your tasks ! homeworks mean also live in a clean place.
7) Stay informed, and communicate (with family, close friends, the world)
8) Compliment someone everyday ~
9) Don't reject anything ever. Try to understand always
10) Take your time to explain something, focus, make sure you are understood
10.5) Be patient !

11) Radicality is not my thing
12) Moderation, temperance and neutrality is more my thing

13) Accept yourself and bring your best to people's life (also people around you)
14) Focus on what you already have
15) Make yourself pretty (can boost confidence u///w///u)
16) Don't seduce anyone but yourself (hahaha lately my heart can not take it anymore so I will just be nice to myself and not seeking for love for a while)
17) Stay away dangerous people, stay vigilant and aware
18) Don't be so kind to strangers (they can use you as profit)
18.5) Know your limits : about what you are able to do depending your energy, time, knowledge ; what are people expecting from you ; do they pay you back equivalently ? (principles) ; do not sacrifice yourself to people, you are important too
19) Make lists of what you want to do so you are not lost
19.5) Learn to defend yourself, your passions, your interests. Don't let yourself destroyed by people's opinions
20) Work on mental maps every 2 months, and projects (technostalgia (^ w ^=) ~) and seasons

21) Say thanks a lot to people who deserves it
21.5) Say sorry sincerly, be sorry for people who left, celebrate people who brings you joy, damn people who hurts you ; and also, be good to yourself
22) Measure your impact on minds and earth
23) It's okay to disappear sometimes.
24) i am pretty shy and i must do it
25) Stop being pathetic and enjoy your life !



things I will do today :
✔️ wake up drink water  brushing teeth ; following clean routine
✔️ study history of art (10-11:30)
✔️ taking notes of ignorance towards informations article (12-13:30)

✔️ answering mom

✔️ opening sociology syllabus to complete notes (14-15h)
✔️ reading philosophy notes (16h-17h30)

🥕🌱🥕🌱🥕🌱🥕🌱🥕🌱🥕🌱🥕🌱
meal eating :
morning (9-10h) : tea + apple

afternoon (11:30-12h) : avocado toast, one slice + one biscuit
(13:30-14) : cheese and cucumber toast

evening (cooking) :banh tranh + edamame + veggie : carrots, zucch

tasks : taking a bath, answering mom's message (before 14h)
___

tmrw Sunday: 300325

- finish reading (philosophy, sociology and analyse critique des médias, history of art) ♥️

- checkbox
- mom visits
- don't forget friday test lol 14h-16h 
 - read litterature powerpoints
- ‼️ noter les horaires d'exams !
 
 
 
 




Don't forget
That you are human

Anyways, I go take a shower now.

Took a shower. Informed my friends and my mom that I am recovering ❤️‍🩹 My friends believe that I can recover fast and come back, my mom is about to come to visit me. I lost my ability to speak, I need to rest. If I can not speak then I can write, I will write for myself, for my future, for my past and archives, I will write for wanderers who are lost and not finding their way, I will write to contribute to something - ephemeral in the end, such as internet, web, minds, life, world. It's okay, it's fine to be present here and now. I am still breathing.

The thing with sickness is that you can not recover without taking time in count. You can not solve it, like solving homework or a request.

Waiting for my mom My mom is always late and I know that, I shouldn't worry ; I am also always late too. Sometimes I try to be on time. When it's important. My mom finally arrived with a big pack of food !! She was in her usually stressed and unlovely mood but she pack is full of attention and I am grateful for that she has to leave fast and she made a not really nice comment about my activities (i don't have to take it personally) i think she cares about me, but it seems she is repeating the actions (because it's been idk how many times i got sick in 8 months. 6-7 times ? what the hell i feel sorry and i hate my health) by buying the same food, repeating the same sentences " think about your studies ", while i try to change, to be different, it's pretty reductive also i absolutely can't focus about my studies I must remember that my mom and I aren't the same. I used to romantize everything, to make it more poetic but reality is sometimes so grey as people's heart (mine too). Being dreamy and poetic, fragile is against the way my mother is : pragmatic and rough. I don't know if I will be able to help her in my way, I don't know if she trust me I think with everybody we have distinct differences. It's okay, we need to accept that, and not taking it personally The more you know someone, the more you can anticipate their actions and the more you just can be chill about it or surprise them and act in a very wise way so nothing can be reproched to you People who spread negativity, bad intentions, bad feelings, let's call them killjoy. A shortname and simple concept to define them because we don't have time nor energy anymore for that. ___ I can't have a fresh start if I don't go back to my roots for some time. Because I believe that I am kind of stuck in my development here in my appartement, and that's why I must confront my past, soothe it to get a fresh new start. I have plans and I am not lost. It's important for me to understand, to find a solution. To repare things. I should say to my mother - "stop rejecting me because we are different" - "Learn to live with me" - "We could build something" - "I believe in a future with you, because men deceive me and I can not trust them. I do trust you more." It's the truth. I am not losing my freedom, nor my free-will. I am not losing anything, but I come back as a changed person who come back to help. If I feel rejected, I will answer that their heart should learn to accept my differences and complexities because it's so easy and so wrong to turn your back to something "you don't like how it is" instead of trying to understand it. Finding solutions. Creating solutions. I must remember. ___ Then again, I have plans. How to explain to them (family) that I came back to rest a little it, to check if everything is okay there, mainly to help them, and also to get a fresh new start in life ? I need to explain to them that - I needed it. as a part of the process to make my life better. I don't want them to think that I use them, because facility (that the way my mther thinks) and profit It makes me sad that some people see acts like this, so reductive, so instrumentalized, no goodwill. This is a proof of untrust. But I am not a stranger, I am family and if you help me, I will help you. This is how ancestor and children should work together. Let the silence hums when there is tension When I was all alone, the only think I was thinking was to have a family, to chat with, to eat with, to share thoughts and lessons I've learned. ___ If i knew me as a child I would place both on my hand on the cheeks and kiss them twice Then patting on the head as much as needed Humming that everything will be alright That I am here Even if I am as lost as her I will always watch on you And support you Whenever she feels alone There will be this little hope Watching on you ___ No matter what, You are never stuck There is your inner citadel deep in your soul No one can reach, no one can take it away from you Your own treasure is you

Roaring Tides II - Clannad

___ Écrire tous les jours est devenu mon quotidien quand j'ai commencé à prendre des notes, à vouloir me rappeler, à m'améliorer. Conséquence d'une grande, solitude peut-être, avec qui personne pour parler. Les auteures telles que George Sand ainsi que Anaïs Nin sont mes plus grandes références concernant le journal personnel, intime, amical. C'est en lisant une biographie de Frédéric Chopin que j'ai découvert le nom de George Sand, il s'agit d'une femme avec un nom de plume masculin. Plus tard, en découvrant Neocities, j'ai découvert qu'il existait de nombreuses personnes qui entretiennent le "diary" concept. Quand j'étais plus jeune, j'écrivais dans un journal intime, ce qui était très génant lorsque mon grand frère le trouvait, j'ai trouvé ça humiliant et puéril que j'ai arrêté. Alors, pourquoi je continue malgré tout ? Peut-être pour réparer une misère du passé. Peut-être car j'ai été fasciné.e par les écrits de femmes qui décrivaient leurs vies, leurs sentiments, leurs environnements, amis et portraits, travaux dans des carnets que 100 ans, 200 ans plus tard, d'autres personnes les découvriront avec la même stupeur. Parce que j'ai pu lire et découvrir la vie d'autres personnes, leurs galères, leurs amours, leurs recherches à travers des écrits et que ça m'a touché. Parce qu'il ne faut pas avoir honte de ses pensées.