hi world! This page is a new start of a clean project


Typing tiptaptiptap


Remember the people
- Her gaze when she said "thank you" with a weak voice, tired after a long day of work
- she was wearing fishnet stockings and a black skinny top and an open shirt at the skatepark after snorting 1gr of amphetamine, she smiled
- clumsy girl with big shoes, looking at bugs with her large big blue eyes
- that smiling person crossing the road with a brown bag with many many pockets and very cool clothes in very brown and natural tones
- tall dark guy with black tee and rings, asked me if "i was happy" and has very nice filmography references
- that woman with a beautiful hat, I had to tell her and she thanked me with a lovely smile ! (on that day I decided to make a compliment to a person every day, seeing people happy is just the best thing)
- guy wearing a custom tribal tee and a cap that was sitting next to my at uni library
- cool black girl eating an apple at a tramstop
- spoke with a person from uni at the cafeteria and she recommended me very sapphic topics films
- confident looking young girl with black hair and black clothes
- smiling grandma with hat, talking to someone on her phone
- sunglasses guy with earrings, and metallic rings on a rainy day
- ninja friend taking pictures very very discretly (versus me and my superslow move and unatural move)
- two guys on trottinette, laughing
- this visual kei looking person at the market with their very normal friend
- this girl with a furry tail
- that stranger who asked to draw portrait (smoking weed)
- big hearted armored friends (sharing lots of similarities)
- wild little duos of friend I ship
- woman singing in the neigbhborhood 
- this tall dude wearing double pants in warm weather, he said it's comfortable
- spooky theme things
- boy smoking in bathroom (need to draw that)
- asian girl with a brown jacket, hands in pocket, dashing in the crowd
- dokomi rave i will never attend
- three guys looking like exactly the same (tattoo, beard, shaved head)
- this girl with black hair, black sunglasses, black shoes, black case drinking in a black metallic water bottle 


Tomonori is an observer, sociophile, lover of people living around. Every details are fascinating 



Reading someone's personal diary is not "moraly" right, because it could express very intimate thoughts, but I wonder, what is the limit of what you can express ? Can you write about anything ? I asked a friend and they told me that if you write for yourself and have no audience, then it's more like a personal practise of imagination and memories, but if you have readers you must be careful.

Watching The Hours (2002) about the writer Virginia Woolf (link)
"It'a about a woman who seems extremely confident. And she is having a party. And maybe because she is confident people thinks he is fine but she isn't."

FRAGMENTS
The pain it still remains, and I'll just get denied 
The feel it still remains, someday I will fly away 
So let it all go by looking at the deep blue sky 
The vision like a shining star, I don't know where to go 




Indulgence / Voie du milieu / Austérité
Eveil



answering to people make me feel like I exist when I don't

useless fact : png means portable network graphics




Encounter the encountered one
White clouds above our head
Feeling light

Sunday purification

People in their own entity, their own way, entirely
Dark mind, big heart



If only I were satisfied.
There are always worries, lacks, unfulfilled things.
Why am I not simply satisfied with what I have?

Human beings are limited, but their passions continue to expand.

sober nerd computering party

TnC ost makes me want to do hxrdrxg, it's partyhard in my headphones,
reading monsieurdoll page about Trip awoke something in me
scrolled on dmmd images and still amazed of how high quality the drawings are. It never gets old...
it's eternal, the memory of it is precious
Same goes to Sweet Pool, it's pretty more maturely mysterious for some reason
beautiful beautiful
still processing SD and Clean dishes

I want to make a nitro+chiral shrine
wrote some thesis in /akabanka page


uh uh ? you can borrow a petit cheval at uni



I need to buy tomatoes and pads but the wind outside is crazy
update : went to buy some !!! and also tomato new blog space!

Attached to Nothing & Connected to Everything

3am thoughts (fr)
je veux mort
personne ne répond, c'est normal c'est la nuit
et on est en pleine semaine
Se faire réveiller par le vent




I want to make merches, rolling paper, scarfs and pens.

torn off roots (fr&eng)
Putain de vie indécise j'ai envie de claquer, me calmer ou encrasser ma tête avec du charbon
Respirer la sérénité, hurler
gris gris gris
I don't fit anywhere
become kind, become wise
become humble, become the perfect child for your parents
You will fit. You will be make them happy and sad when you will leave.
Going back on your root, or becoming grass without root 
je fais chemin inverse, why
tu vas adapter
Il faut passer par là et tu le sais. n'aie pas peur.


FN an Ctrl swapped on my keyboard and it makes me so confused


🍅 T O M AT O   O B S E S S I O N 🍅
to!!!!!!!!!ma!!!!!!tooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really really want to eat and cronch a tomato. I should buy tomatoes, I want to grow tomatoes, I want to sew and draw tomatoes, I want to offer tomatoes. Offfer tomatoes to your lover one. A proof of simple act of love. Red and fragile. I think I found my next shrine theme.
Red and green. red and green, egg, sandwiches, tartines, picnic happy summer vibe humhummm yea



feelings and activities
- freshman at uni and feel like an old tas de poussiere
- am i retarded
- ough
- describing portraits
- home isn't a place it's a feeling
- half smiling, half about to puke because of stress
- exam tomorrow and i don't feel anything (i just gave up)
- saw pictures of cat and I feel extremely decontracted
- really want to rip off my skin whyyy is it so itchy alllll the time ?!
- really odd dream, passager in a car
- drank a coffee need to shii, paid 3,30e ough
- must study next exams
- i need to stop watching story of people who don't even consider my existence



Films I want to watch after exams :
Diabolo menthe (1977) 🎈
Lilya4ever (2002)
Christiane F. (1981)
Into the faraway sky (2007)
The hours (2002)
Coup de foudre (1983)
La baule-les pins 
Beignets de tomates vertes / Le secret dans la sauce (1991)

Browsing this at 2am ofc


When I will move, remember me to read Osamu Dazai to reconnect with my serenity (or when I will hit 27) currently reading Carnets du sous-sol de Dostoïevski 
and then compose 13 ways (will try to work (more searching) for it before my move, while rainy days of this summer. I'm huming a very lonely summer and I love it, I don't plan anything anyways, I am going nowhere)

>Painting outside, encounter
Tall silhouette sitting next to me when I was painting outside, hands covered of black paint, crazy hair, covering miserable racist tags. Writing in black letters " R - e - s - p - e - c - t " instead of hate speech (Racims is not condamnable in my country. But hate speech with intention of hurting someone is). Some people passed and say "thank you", the large shadow stops behind me and asked "Excuse me, are you happy ?" Young person, standing, black trouser, t-shirt and no bags. Large hands, metallic rings standing there. We talked. They say "I never met anyone who ever said they were happy". We talked about filmography. They watched Falling Angels, Possum, Trainspotting, Perfect Blue, Virgin Suicides. They are as grey as me. I asked : why are they here . and they explain me their whole life past, family situation, school bullies, love stories and deceptions ; they were visiting their psy.

" dont't want to be social again " changing mindset every day to " deeply in love with every human heart "

This is how I go home instead of dating : fleeing techniques
If a woman ever wear lipstick on a date, it means : no kissing.

Drawing a red x cross on my lips with a crayon. Look like bruises.
Wearing lenses and forgot to bring glasses at a date ; am not sleeping at your place
Going home early because : have to feed my cat/god(dog)/plants/window birds/myself and not planning to eat with you ; have to study ; need to recharge my battery
(dislike when the interest is around superficial stuffs or drama... I want to talk about death, philosophy and destruction, intellectual stuffs, studies, art, suffering, greyness, caring, and boring stuffs like that because I am boring too)
other subjects : deviance, nomination, etymology, laws, normality, happiness, justice/injustice, semantics, linguistics, anecdotes, lifehacks, writers, writing, authors, biographies, circles, bands, memory, informatic languages, colours, books, references, bookstores, sociology, politics, mobility and development, painting outside, danger, addictions, suicide, problems and resolutions, creativity, feeding the brain, questions questions questions
Am I grey ? Relationship analysis and my own sensibility
When I met someone who shared the same activity as me, we found out that we had lots of similarities. But this connection make us feel "the same" and finding out our differences make it catastrophic, like the fact we were different sounds like a fatality. We were definitely different, in our pasts, in our ways of living. What bring us together was what we created ; art. They were 10 years my elder, my art wasn't "à la hauteur", it wasn't good enough. My musical references were very limited, as my knowledge. Because in ten years, you're definitely learning so many many many things (the quantity of things I mentally absorb in one week or one month, is already crazy) I think, the dynamics of this relationship was already weird, not so clean, and shady. I used to be curious about marginal people, depressive ones, mentally unstable. We had somehow big differents if terms of music, because I am very sensitive, and strongly believe that music is a personal and individual moment you are sharing. It exists so many musics in the world, different genres, differents moods, different  intentions, different tonality, different nuances, just as people. Meaning of a song also has an importance. Finding the good title at the right moment you want to listen. Fucking Spotify and infinite playlists which make you swallow song and song and song until you just can't enough. Fucking mp3 that make you fucking listen at the same title over and over and over again until you can't anymore. Fucking youtube advertising for money and consumerism. We can agree on that.

But complaining about things, even if you agree on something doesn't make you move forward in life. My behaviour of always wanting to find solutions can be... intrusive ? Some people just want to complain. They want to fill the silence with absurdity and drowning in their cloud. Some things aren't that important and I am always very grounded and serious and that maybe what make unserious people fearing me ?
Someone I met asked me if I liked jokes. This is a very stupid question. " Of course I like jokes ", I am not sure, what kind of jokes. Does it mean I sound like unfunny ? But honestly, I can be the little funny guy with my friends, with people I feel it's okay do not showing big balls and mastering situations. I am very competitive sometimes, and that makes me feel even more lonely.
Things can be easy and light. It's okay.

I don't feel I belong here nor where I come from. Cameras everywhere. I am innocent, did nothing wrong. I am not a criminal. Autority can make innocent beings becoming criminals, then strongly believe this lie, and manipulate naive people. But we are smarter than they think, we are united together. 
Don't stay alone.

Should I move to another city ?

>Litterature : Made some researches.
Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf had a sapphic relationship and exchanged more than 450 letters in twenty years. Same first name initial. Virginia Woolf was also a member of Bloomsbury group, a circle of libertine writers, artists and thinkers. E.M Forster who wrote Maurice was from this group also the painter Duncan Grant. They organised workshops, meetings. They reunite themselves every Thursday evening.
They made their own publishing house in collaboration with their members and start publishing themselves, their friends and translations of psychology writings.
Vita inspired the writing of Virginia Woolf " Orlando " which is a queer fantastic biography for her friends.
A notable work by Woolf is a "Room for one's own" which is a feminist essay about the importance of owning your own room to fully developed your creative potential. It also explores stories of authors and women, and denounces injustice in society.

Virginia Woolf or Adeline Virginia Alexandra Stephen (1883 - 1941) never went to university, her writing style is very unique. She is able to put words on internal emotions, describes characters, connects with the realoty and the intelligible monolog ; she is very human, very intense. She explores the themes of identity, alterity, gender, community, individuality.
She also had interest towards experimental, sciences and metaphysical questionments (What is after death ?)
Her way of thinking is complex and often was asking herself existential questions in ordinary moments.
She also suffer of depression and killed herself in a river near her house.

Stream of consciousness
Mrs Dalloway, Virginia Woolf (1925) quotes
“Mrs Dalloway is always giving parties to cover the silence”

“To love makes one solitary.”

“The whole world was clamouring: Kill yourself, kill yourself, for our sakes. But why should he kill himself for their sakes? Food was pleasant; the sun hot; and this killing oneself, how does one set about it, with a table knife, uglily, with floods of blood, - by sucking a gaspipe? He was too weak; he could scarcely raise his hand. Besides, now that he was quite alone, condemned, deserted, as those who are about to die are alone, there was a luxury in it, an isolation full of sublimity; a freedom which the attached can never know.”

“Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate; people feeling the impossibility of reaching the center which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded, one was alone. There was an embrace in death.”


- french quotes from the book -
"Dans l'intimité, on peut faire ce que l'on veut. On peut pleurer si personne ne regarde."

"Sait-on quelque chose des gens, même ceux avec lesquels on vit chaque jour ?"

" La puissance de son génie l'a poussée à la révolte. "

others works :
Orlando (1928) : groundbreaking novel that follows the life of its protagonist who lives for over 300 years, changing gender from man to woman and exploring themes of identity, gender fluidity, and societal norms.
A Room of One's Own (1929) : essay about the necessity for women to own a personal space a room of their own, to achieve their full creative potential. The author uses metaphors to explore social injustices and comments of women's lack of free expression.




Notion d'altérité : Le terme "altérité" désigne le caractère de ce qui est autre, impliquant une notion de différence et de distinction. En d'autres termes, l'altérité fait référence à la diversité et au contraste entre les individus ou les groupes.

"I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and music and everything beautiful."

“...she always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day.”



Received a letter, it says :
" Ami.e.s d'amour tranquille " 
à compléter :
- describe outfit
- letting myself time to finish and succeed my exams
- a meeting 


Les 4 nobles vérités : 4 expériences de la souffrance
Conscience, Cause, Cessation et moyen

Modèle vertueux (de l'enseignement du confucianisme) : bienveillance, bravoure  générosité, compassion, humanité.
eng : kindness, bravery, generosity, compassion, humanity 

Renoncer à la notion d'invididu
À la première personne du singulier, rejet spéculatif du "je"
Pour atteindre une perspective universelle
Le Soi et l'Absolu

Complémentarités, oppositions 


Genocide. Nations. Wars. Property. Appropriation. Elites. Violence. Repression. Destruction.
How to not being desperate of humanity ? How can we breathe when some can't even live ? How to stop people from being stubborn ?





Gaza, Palestine.

Dozing grey since the last 5 years
This is not important. Yesterday evening I was thinking about death again. Being crushed under a metal mass, being crush by gravity, drowning, hanging from the ceiling, hypovolemy, gazed, brainshot, provocation, abandonment of your natural contributions, overdose. Happy birthday. 20/05/2000. Falling down or falling in love. I don't feel concerned. It's 7:53, the the neighbors upstairs look and listen loudly at the tv. Sky is blue. It will pass. Being deceived. It will pass. Bad actors. Should rewrite scenario. 10- 22hours of a workday. Expositions. Consommation. Parties. Studying at night. Hugging yourself. Procrastinating. Being docile. Being conscious of the abuse. Acting. Stay distant, quiet, loveable, kind, weak and suddenly mastering knowledge, feeling confident, forgetting words, not recognising your voice, absence , wanting to disappear, impossibility of compatibility, injustice, anger, hungriness, tireness, cycles cycles cycles
Listening at grey, being grey. Adherate to lyrics. Adherate to a book. Adherate to a film. Adhere to a song. Adherate to someone thoughts, wording, feeling. Influence and influenced. Building a personality on reflections. Feeling less lonely. Recognize yourself in schemas. Feeling stereotyped, feeling dozing, feeling a part, marginal, trying to fit. Stopped an addiction, remplace it by another one. Everyone does. Not everyone reach wisdom. Stay calm, prove to others you are worth it but you fail to yourself. Lying make the mistake to trust your lie. Being hurt by your words. Being hurt by people sights. To correspond to your place. Shaping yourself to please. Being a foreigner forever and wherever you go. Understanding. Unluckiness, Injustice. It is how is it. You do with what you have. Trusting issues. Abandoning yourself for a day. It will be okay, tomorrow is another day.

cicatrice


- Comme une impression d'avoir des années lumières de retard sur tout, partout
je suis une comète qui va s'éteindre si elle ne se crashe pas, un grain de poussière perdu -

The most patient one reads books, the intellect one makes researches, the interested one watches a film. Combine these.
Take notes. Make it moves you. Get inspired with this energy.



Illusion
I deeply believe in hope. Since I find it more breathable than reality. Well, I don't confond reality and imagination. I believe the fiction can feed the reality, like litterature, characters, filmography, references, phonemenon you can catch by your eye and observe it ny chance. The luck is the observation of the hasard. Hearing a bell while walking outside. Seeing a bird on a branch. Remember it. 




It's been days I haven't went outside. Fridge is empty. I don't mind, I don't need. Feeling unhealthy. Impure. Drinking water. I will find a solution.

- En fait je n'ai pas la force ni l'inspiration de le faire. - 

Friends I met this year text me to go out. What if I haven't met them ? Grateful to have them, to acknowledge that : not everybody has given up on me. Even if I've sent long message to other people and never got answer. Not being able to put words on, no time, no interest. I am trying to find excuses for them, it's fine. Focus on present.

- My god, I love people so much.

j'arrive plus à manger frr quand j'graille j'ai l'impression d'avoir un bloc de ciment, c'est lourd



Travelled on gmaps again. Visited Asia... Vietnam, Japan, and tomorrow I will travel to China. The landscapes, cities, industrial zones are so amazing. I feel like the world is so close, I can walk from street to street to another city in less than a few minutes. How unbelievable is that ?

Domain, Running Away, Fear of being perceived
Thinking of editing or archiving all my old projects I made on the web. It makes me feel uneasy to let my notes, writings and past in free-access on the world wide web. Especially when people can navigate and learn about me. But in a way, I thing it is conter-productive to do it. I almost reached 70% of the storage capacity of this website on Neocities...
Also I don't really feel confident about my index, but it's been so long I've been working on it, on this identity, and I don't feel like it represents my state of mind anymore (particuliarly, the projects I made) It reminds me the day when I formatted Pokemon platinum on my DSi and never played it again because I lost everything : it makes me sad.


been watching Closed Note (2007)
A film about a young woman who just moved in a new appartement and discovers a diary. She peeks into it, and is finding herself emerged in the reality of an elementary school teacher. As she read, she learns more about the teacher and her life.

resonate in mind
This film speaks so much to me ; the moment I found own copy of the Diary of Anaïs Nin in second hand after I read a short caption on a profile on dreamwidth ; the year I worked in elementary school to help little children ; and the year I fell in love with an artist.

*Kae works in a fountain pain store and this is such a dream job.
I miss hideto whose we used to write email to eachother, they told me about running a Herboristerie and I found this dreamjob so lovely ; I hope they're doing well.

Drinking water with flowers that float on the surface, that soak and that drown ; to infuse their savour. Drinking cold, very cold water helps me to boost, to refresh my mind somehow.

Had a very weird dream. Not writing them online but keeping them in my personal notes, because of the very odd characters of my inner self.

I am scared of moving, but I now it's a temporary necessity. I lived happily here, construct my life and I will be brave enough to deconstruct to be free. Folding every cardboard boxes, filling them with child memories and souls. Treasures that are poetry to me. Sometimes I just want to be hit by a train to stop the cycle.


For a long time, filmography has been a part of life, a kind of personal exutoire. Is it a way to escape reality ? A way to cope with it ? It is a way to feel something, dreamy, unreal and so close to human life. A way to understand social dynamics without being confronted with. A way to hear voices, a way to choose what you want to see. A way to travel in people's mind, perspective, points of view. A way to enjoy life, to notice references, to spend time with images, sounds, colours and yourself.

Solitude
learned me to be self-sufficient, aware of my needs and independant.

Regularly updating walloftext.co to note every film I watched



ref: One Million Yen Girl (2008)


Originally made me think of memories

you know it will hurt
I wrote so many hopeful texts about our future. But I was just lying to myself to not see the truth.

People are nasty. And I am avoiding reality.

I am so afraid to be back to her. To be like her. I distanced myself for years to experience life, happiness, a light and bright life. It lasted three years then I became so grey, like her. I always have been, actually. She thinks I will be back with her "forever" but this is not what I planned. I told her, and I must be honest with her : I am afraid of her.

Often I wonder if she really wish to be happy, if she is really hoping for the best. She often is so negative and rude, and the reflection she gives is life full of regret and anxiety. Her stress is toxic and is probably killing us and everything around her. I am not sure she is a great person.

I offered to her a book for her birthday. A diary with positiveness and questions I am very very interested to know what she would write and talk about it with her. But she doesn't wrote anything in it. And I will feel indifferent when I will find it empty. As her mind, heart and feelings for me.






Open House (1998)
- 1998 is the year my brother is born