j'arrive plus à manger frr quand j'graille j'ai l'impression d'avoir un bloc de ciment, c'est lourd
Travelled on gmaps again. Visited Asia... Vietnam, Japan, and tomorrow I will travel to China. The landscapes, cities, industrial zones are so amazing. I feel like the world is so close, I can walk from street to street to another city in less than a few minutes. How unbelievable is that ?
Domain, Running Away, Fear of being perceived
Thinking of editing or archiving all my old projects I made on the web. It makes me feel uneasy to let my notes, writings and past in free-access on the world wide web. Especially when people can navigate and learn about me. But in a way, I thing it is conter-productive to do it. I almost reached 70% of the storage capacity of this website on Neocities...
Also I don't really feel confident about my index, but it's been so long I've been working on it, on this identity, and I don't feel like it represents my state of mind anymore (particuliarly, the projects I made) It reminds me the day when I formatted Pokemon platinum on my DSi and never played it again because I lost everything : it makes me sad.
been watching Closed Note (2007)
A film about a young woman who just moved in a new appartement and discovers a diary. She peeks into it, and is finding herself emerged in the reality of an elementary school teacher. As she read, she learns more about the teacher and her life.
resonate in mind
This film speaks so much to me ; the moment I found own copy of the Diary of Anaïs Nin in second hand after I read a short caption on a profile on dreamwidth ; the year I worked in elementary school to help little children ; and the year I fell in love with an artist. *Kae works in a fountain pain store and this is such a dream job. I miss hideto whose we used to write email to eachother, they told me about running a Herboristerie and I found this dreamjob so lovely ; I hope they're doing well.Drinking water with flowers that float on the surface, that soak and that drown ; to infuse their savour. Drinking cold, very cold water helps me to boost, to refresh my mind somehow. Had a very weird dream. Not writing them online but keeping them in my personal notes, because of the very odd characters of my inner self. I am scared of moving, but I now it's a temporary necessity. I lived happily here, construct my life and I will be brave enough to deconstruct to be free. Folding every cardboard boxes, filling them with child memories and souls. Treasures that are poetry to me. Sometimes I just want to be hit by a train to stop the cycle.
For a long time, filmography has been a part of life, a kind of personal exutoire. Is it a way to escape reality ? A way to cope with it ? It is a way to feel something, dreamy, unreal and so close to human life. A way to understand social dynamics without being confronted with. A way to hear voices, a way to choose what you want to see. A way to travel in people's mind, perspective, points of view. A way to enjoy life, to notice references, to spend time with images, sounds, colours and yourself.
Solitude learned me to be self-sufficient, aware of my needs and independant. Regularly updating walloftext.co to note every film I watched
ref: One Million Yen Girl (2008)
Originally made me think of memories
you know it will hurt
I wrote so many hopeful texts about our future. But I was just lying to myself to not see the truth. People are nasty. And I am avoiding reality. I am so afraid to be back to her. To be like her. I distanced myself for years to experience life, happiness, a light and bright life. It lasted three years then I became so grey, like her. I always have been, actually. She thinks I will be back with her "forever" but this is not what I planned. I told her, and I must be honest with her : I am afraid of her. Often I wonder if she really wish to be happy, if she is really hoping for the best. She often is so negative and rude, and the reflection she gives is life full of regret and anxiety. Her stress is toxic and is probably killing us and everything around her. I am not sure she is a great person.
Open House (1998)
- 1998 is the year my brother is born