hello world;

back to hydra ?

Coded an evening looking page for some thoughts.
Named it Timeless.
I still don't really know what I want to display on it, i will figure it out later... I really love the background image that is from A Silent Voice. Bitter sweet experience movie to be honest, but still beautiful.
Life experience is also kind of bitter sweet, and the sun then rain, weather changing, offer the variety of possibilities to make it different every day. 

At night, it happens that I feel gloomy, the "blue" is also a feeling you can have, but the blue is also a really soothing colour related to the dusk / nightfall.
For a long time I was in a more intense red energy but with wisdom I learned to love all colours (it's a proof of maturity)
Someone asked me in a letter what is your "blue zone" and described it as a Ghibli looking landscape. I remember I wrote that I can perceive, from a window the quiet end of a journey a deep blue sky that is fading its colour on every house's roofs. The moon is appearing immense, or maybe it is Saturn ? 
Some fishes are starting to swim all around me, us, small, big and gigangic sea creatures. [ I am afraid of my imagination sometimes but this is so beautiful.] I feel like I'm wearing pyjamas and I could jump from the window and fly or swim to the moon. Small shrimps are following the movement, catfish and carps are followong their own way, without showing any feelings or empathy. I looked up and saw moths on the shiny globe above my head.
This is one of my blue zone. It's soothing yet scary. It is drowning my self in a oniric realm.

A psychanalist said that a written description of a dream can not transmit  - the feeling of a dream.


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- La sociologie : la conformité. Que signifie être normal ? Nous avons des cours de sociologie, et le professeur est étrangement intéressant. Sur le même thème, en littérature, nous lisons "L'étranger" de Albert Camus. L'analyse est intéressante, et la vidéo du "Précepteur" écoutable en ligne est captivante. (début du second quadrimestre !)
___
Beautiful.

Watched 聲の形 [Koe no katachi] A Silent Voice.

___
Focus on happiness :
Aujourd'hui on a pu réaliser le projet de com pour OPAC !!!
J'ai été a la viiste des copies pour philo et je suis tombée sur une dame tellement belle et douce (jelem)
Mes plumes de calli sont safe et de toute façon, ce sont des objets acquéris au long de mon histoire, consommable et multipliés en de nombreux exemplaires.
Je suis allée déposé ce petit cadeau pour une personne sur qui je crush (??) et c'est tellement important, confection d'un paquet que pour elle
Em est venu voir les locaux de l'AIC et c cool parce que ça peux la motiver pour faire dé trucs à l'unif
Faire le deuil d'un objet perdu

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Sur la route d seum HAHA
suis crevée je décide de suivre la route du love comme Lu disait et d'aller déposer ce modeste kdo dans le casier
sauf que
je trouve 10 balles par terre, me baisse pour les ramasser et je perds ma trousse à dessin avec tout mes marqueurs et ceux que je viens d'acheter
J'essaie de relativiliser en vrai c'est pas GRAVE
mais j'ia quan dmême je seum de ouf
bref c pas grav
___
Today I went to morning class because there was an important exercice for written com and I like challenge.
I finished on time but it was hard, I am kind of proud and hope I haven't messed up too much. The maximum of words indicated was between 250-300 and I had 385 oops. Probably it means that I am an exhaustive writer. well...
Wandering in uni make me forget how much I lose time to eat when i am at home. hm yeah... I have bulimic episodes when i am all alone and feel abandoned and sad. But now it's fine. It's less mental, it's more a physical need, we must eat every day as human. I weight 40kg - 42kg now. I must have a check up with a doctor soon, if i managed to call the center. Right know, I feel free, so free. I am a student in the right way to learning that takes me towards a brilliant future. I hope...
I talked to Léane and she was lovely as usual, we talked about conspiracy theories in class haha the teacher was fun.
Feeling guilty for skipping class yesterday... Especially philosophy, but yo, my body and mind would not follow the Monday morning pace without losing my will to live.

____
really, i wish i was a better human.
Why am i not able to communicate already? even if i am studying hard, i am just stuck
stuck in life
stuck in my thoughts 
stuck in my own body
limited, crushed

impostor syndrom
i am not doing my best.
i am a liar !
____
Managed to get out my bed and pushed myself to my desk.
wanted to write about serious things but blank mind

losing interest in everything
everything and everyone, it's just too much i want to bury myself in dreams
want to cry
ovulation kickin harder than usual this time :*<
__
Sorry mom... I skipped class today because I am exhausted, I had a fulltime active weekend and my next weekend is also going to be fully active. Teachers start their class early, but last semester i went to every morning classes and got mid average notes so uh. Some people never came in morning class, live without putting that much pressure about their studies and got better grades than me, so let's try different apprentissage techniques
___
Feeling like everything i am doing is wrong. How is it to be a perfect citizen ? Conformism  following norms. Nothing to reproach.
___
hazelnut eyes.
hazelnut ice cream...
___

Winter theme and blog is starting to look so busy. Cold season is long.
Can't wait to be in spring again and make comforting themes. Maybe should I do month by month themes ? (i don't really have the time) or re-use my older themes ?
 How am I anticipating spring this year ? This is my last year in my home before I move. Kind of heartbreaking. but I can't wait to feel free again from a rent I can not afford. I want it to be memorable. Maybe, something with pink cherry trees, cobalt blue porcelain, fruits and tea. I want the next blog to be lovely, full of kind thoughts, no self-loathing.
An shrine of my old house, I saw deteriorating during 4 years. My last winter here. It snowed yesterday night, I went to V's to secretly give a letter but the package couldn't passed in the door slot so I just glared at the closed wooden door for 20min, freezing. I managed to ring at the first floor but no one answered so I knocked at the window (there was light) at the (floor 0) ground floor and someone opened me. I explained my reason (that my friend V is sick and i wanted to offered them some support) to that person and I hope they gave the oackage to them. After my mission is done, I wanted to cry because ovulating, but also because I messed up in so much domains (social, love, physical acceptance, family support, friend's support, grades...) I will keep failing, so I understand my low natural average. Kind of hurt to understand that, I am not the ones on the top, i am not the one people listen to, I am only loved intensely than forgotten after.

___
Les bases de l’écriture au niveau textuel :
➢ cohérence,
➢ cohésion,
➢ principe de progression,
➢ structure,
➢ registre de discours,
➢ clarté,
➢ concision



In the past, I thought that movements, crowd and communities weren't for me. Because the idea of being "like everyone" was like following the influence like a sheep, and I end up rejecting mainstreams, anything that was popular or which could interest people. I was uninformed, lone, buried in my realm of ignorance. I thought streets and public protests were dangerous places, unsafe, then I noticed, the whole world is : insane. Some people sleep, wander and are lost in these same streets. You could be shot by officers. Mutilated. Abused. I decided to go down and rise my voice against injustices. That voice I always thought is was weak and insignificant. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing to lose anymore. I am free.

To people who don't protest, act or support others : I truly hope that one day, you will be able to rise your voice and elevate your mind and understand that this is important. That you can not live isolated. You are not alone in this world.
___

Behind the armour is hidind the sweetest heart.
___

14.02.25 : love day here. confessions freak me out. sometimes i am so in need of attention, but when i get it my instinct tells me to run away. 
i was a romantic back then. I think i don't feel anything anymore, i am too tired, exhausted, busy with work...
but somehow... love, being in love, feeling love is such a powerful and important emotion.
i believe that ; i am kind of a retard person lol. I can not do thing right without delay, or making it on time. I usually cancel when i feel it's too much. It's often too much. I am also too much.
I don't like people to perceive me, to talk to me if i haven't choose them. I am very in control of everything and feelings are creating bugs in my functionning. I can not let it got me.
But i feel so touched by people... All the time.

___
Sometimes I want my voice to be heard.
Yelling with the mass,
My actions matter

Thinking to write a manifesto for the activities that is happening in my city. I think it's important
Today, I went to the protest. Sadly (it's not recommended) I went alone because my peeps were not here, but it's fine. I am motivated, I am smart, I can speak up or use sign language. The rassemblement is in the morning, at Nord station. I took the train, i haven't paid any ticket, haven't took my id card. Today is an exception I guess, i am not an model citizen, i am here to protest, to meet people who also think " this world is going mad." 
Tear gas bomb were shot in the crowd, police forces use tank with water jets several meters long right to manifestants. I saw blackbloc peeps, anarchists, antifascists, ecolo, railway workers, firefighters, lawyers, students, probably teachers and more. It was massive.
___

Important protest down the street in the city tomorrow.
Might participate.
We are angry, hungry, cold.

Shit country.


___

Went in the centrum with E. This person is amazing, so chill, so cool.
We went to get some cardboard boxes, they understood my hype about these specific designs (we went to that asian market the day they are supposed to throw out the cardboard boxes(i checked the proprety services of the city lmao)) and so i am happy. I will be able to move out. To be fucking free again. To build something new. Finally. This is starting. No doubts anymore.

Listening at Perfect Coffee, Kae Tempest.

___
Litterature : Analysis of Dostoïevski, un etre de contradiction

Conflits irrationnels, limites de l'etre humain, expérience pour ma connaissance de soi
Compréhension du monde que partielle

___
Sometimes i should just tell myself to love the day by day
moment by moment
___
aahh it's so cold.
Manifesting the will to being no one again
i really don't give a damn about people's absurdities on social media
Staring at my calendar
Love my new little haircut
kinda want a date for 14/02
kinda want to cancel

How to make clear decision or organise life ?

i need sleep

___

FANZINE with M in coming heee (we're gonna meet in march)
___

Feeling very happy yesterday.
Interaction with my bro was good. He showed up to ask me important advices for his first date.
Participate to a reunion to organising a festival was productive.
Worked and got some money and more importantly : experiences.
Eat fish from the local market. I was alone and I smiled at my bag when I came back home.

Finally had the guts to cut my hair. Myself. Short. After years and years of letting them grow, letting them being annoying and ruled my life. it's a big step, it's a bye-bye, it's me being free.


Discovered tricks and had an interest in parkour (as a ninja)

Loving more and more the collaborative work with my friends online and irl. Trying to find some time for everyone which is really no an easy thing.  Mogo wants to make a fanzine together and thats thats that's giving me so much motivation because I love them to death and they do loves me back.

____

Arguing with people feels like : you are always right , they are always wrong. But they think you are wrong and they are right.
This are fundamentally oppositions that confront themselves because people (like me) are stubborn.
Manifesting and exposing your point of view is not a wrong choice anyways because it means you notice what is not right. If you're good at explaining (defend values, argumentations, goodwill) then maybe the other parts can understand and it still affect the people who gravitate around that there are tensions and why. The most important thing is to understand how can you/we find a solution to ease tensions. And only smart people can perceive that finality. Otherwise, people will just stop at "bruh you're not like me" or "you're all wrong" <<< i was like that before... Then I understood the importance of not letting things behind and face the problem to resolve it.

__
Usually I think i am a very great enthusiast person. In organisation of events, I have plenty of idea, but my projects seems to don't really weight (low voice, not impactful). I am trying to let space to people around me, to listen at their ideas too. Organisation is a little bit of this a little bit of that. But it makes me angry that some voices are more listened than others because they are here since longer. If you are an "ancient" in a group you should let the newest integrate themselves. Or this feels like injustice. I will fight for (against) that.

Being the genius that no one listen
anyways 
___

Changed my goth earrings for very cute ones (lily of the valley)
Working in Sunday. It's an interesting little job. 
___
Eating oranges like tangerines.
Watching Prison Break. wow this is weekend
___
Woke up early. 
After two weeks of rest (was sick), today I finally went to uni. I didn't want to miss sociology lesson, and it was in my favourite auditorium. Immense wooden auditorium. I sat on the back.
My sight immediately noticed that person on the side translating the knowledge by sign language. I couldn't unseen it, i feel absorbed, concerned. Since I am learning sign language too, this is so interesting, I heard my mind saying " uni is definitely an interesting place."
Sociology is indeed something to know about, it was the first course, i noted in my blackbook some words.
I needed to pass to medical centrer to retrieve a document but I headed home (started to feel anxious, wearing a mask and the urge to cough hard hits) and the paper was in my letter box. I was E today. Oh god, she is such a cool person, even if i told to myself that I dont want to be noticed by anyone or talk to anyone that day i couldn't avoid her, it's been a while. I usually started to yap about everything, I wish we had more time. We should hang out together next time, she said in msg. 
Anyways, drank a insanely good tea, some coffee and watched biography documentaries videos about Descartes, Spinoza and Nietzsche.
brain fucked

sleepin ezzzz
__

Forget about yourself sometimes.

Can we talk about people who starts their letter/mail/writing directly with " I " pronom ? ... this is so impolite ??? People have no education about self-introduction. Use your head. Find a way. Think a little bit more before speaking about yourself. The world is so immense, ask about others, describe your situation, show that you're not an ego centered person because individualism is too perceptible.

STAY HUMBLE. people forget the world isn't their.
Can't trust someone with a big ego because they will take advantages of you.
___
oh yeah
https://youtu.be/JAhXD_N49k8?si=pPucNhxhdaq0vePa
___
One of the thing I love here, it's to read people's diary. It's very personal, it's very uncommon to have access to people's mind, especially when you never met them. With only letters and connection, you have an access to someone's point of view  mind and thoughts. Most of them, on Neocities or in book (thinking of the diary of Anaïs Nin) are sincere. There is no acting, no lies, no masks we usually do when we show up in the external world. Maybe there are, actually. But it feels more safe somehow . Offering positiveness, faith, hopes to the world wide web. I love how this place is calm. There are no messages, no interactions and obligations to answer. You just express yourself for yourself, blogging, writing to who will find you will read, or have access to a part of your state of mind of the moment. Unbelievable.
Discovering authentic diaries is rare, you can not start to read someone's personal journal irl, people are really individualistic and gatekeeping their secrets. I can understand that. But I like knowing deeply somebody, or more specifically I like digging in the psychology of people and understand their point of views, ways of self-expressions.

I am honest with you, the layout of my personal diary (here) is absolutely bad, unclear. You know, I try to be discreet, feeling ashamed about what I write sometimes, so I am hiding behing this unreadable small font and backgrounded image so people can't find me. But somehow, i hope that, maybe, the curious ones (not a fucking creep dude, please go away lol) will find my spirited ghosts. Find me if you can, but if you find me, stay quiet, don't move          Don't get closer   you will scare them

Don't interact with me
Don't perceive me

i be scared pillbug hiding hiding



_____
It's okay. it's okay.
I have many plates, and cup. I will cherish my broken cup and when I will move back to her house because i am a failure in life, I will show her up how i keep it in good shape. I will protect it and put my pretty jewerlies in it. I will wrap it in pretty napkins. I will show her, what is softness because it seems she lacks it in her life.
~~~
I have very deep sensitivity about items, broken plates or cups or whatever that can be breakable. I feel like them maybe. My mother is really impolite and rough most of the time, she came to my place and broke my favourite plate while tidying my kitchen. In less than 10 minutes, entering in my place, she broke my fucking heart, again. i fucking try to not cry, this is so unfair. I live far away from her to avoid interactions like this. To avoid injustice. Why is it making me feel so bad. It's just a plate that i thrifted. But it was still one of my favourite. I am so fucking sad, desperate, angry. I can't count on my mother, she is not a good person. My friend does better job than her. I educated myself with the love i found in my friends' eyes. My mother is just "worried" about me all the time, but she doesn't really care like a real goodhearted person will. I should end it now this stupid angry monolog.
____

Monday. 3rd February,  still sick.
It was sunny today, my body can't move, I see the hours passing through the curtains of my window. I am waiting for it to end. I am tired.
Suddenly someone rings at my doorbell. I took time to manage to get up, to dress up and to go down the stairs. My neighbour were talking loudly. I opened up, there was no one, but a package. A big massive box, it was heavy, I took it upstairs. It was really heavy, I was curious I opened it and found a letter  with three or four bottles of ginger tea, oranges, 5 boiled eggs (they were still warm), some rice soup. I was amazed. My friend came to deliver this. They took time to cook for me. How lovely they are. I deserve nothing. I wrote them a long letter to say thanks to them, many many thanks to them.
The box was really heavy, i just can't believe they brought it to my door. This is crazy. They are so courageous. These are the terms I wrote to describe them : ambitious, gifted, talented, attentioned, inspiring. I know them for some years, I remember to spontaneously offer them a present package for their birthday. I didn't know them very well, then we started to see each other, sometimes at my place, sometimes at events. They always have been supportive toward my art efforts. And we first met in an event of exchange arts, I own a drawing they made a very dear one to my heart that is near my desk. They also have good references, and good music tastes. They're from another country basically, far far away from mine, but they still managed to find a home and a job anywhere, they are incredibly resourceful ! We communicate in english even if it's not their neither mine first language.


DAAMNNNNN i've been looking to hear THIS for AGES


thinking to type an entire paper about jin-roh... analysis of this artwork seems to be a brillant idea... but i don't have enough strength atm so i'll just thinking hard about it.


ok on a another tone, i finally watched Jin-Roh : The Wolf Brigade.

Absolute speechless. Such an amazing animation film, the history is so realistic. I seeked some informations about the film and the author.
The realisator is Hiroyuki Okiura and has made Letter to Momo (one of my faveeeeeee) and Jin-Roh : Wolf Brigade. Only two films. Chef-d'oeuvres. And he also has worked in many others animations movies, his inspiration for Wolf Brigade is from many others realisations from Mamoru Oshii who made The Red Spectacles (1987), Stray Dogs (1991), Avalon (2001), Ghost in the shell (1995),...
The film Jin-Roh (from jinro, meaning is wolf-human or werewolve) is an uchrony about the Second World War, which the story of Kazuki Fuse, member of the Special Unit force (or Wolf Brigade) meets the "Red Ridding Hood" in the sewers of Japan, charging to deliver molotov bottles to her group which goes against the etablished forces. At the beginning of the movie, there are scenes of the population throwing cobblestones to the police. The story focus on the cruelty of the military acts towards humans through the tale of the Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf.
At the end, the girl recites the dialogue of tale, describing the grotesque appearance of the wolf disguised as a loved one. The story ends with the comparaison of the tragic fate to the demise of the Red Riding Hood and the triumph of the wolf.

img/jinro/
"Fuse-Kazuki" "book" "Henmi" "Kei-and-Fuse" "wolf-brigade" "city" "camera" "moonlight" "camera2" "red-spectacle" "Kei-offering" "in-museum" "Fuse-in-museum" .png



PTDR don't mind me
i just being sick and sleeping for an entire week, might skip uni (UUGHHH I DON'T LIKE THIS IDEA) because i just can't fucking speak and breathe and i feel DEAD i don't have the choice...
https://youtu.be/2o2Bq1oE_y4?si=EHYltnnM6qqtEzGK
video of a man who do hilarious video for deaf ppl


Anyways. Some good news : writing an article about ascii art, devil/411 send me a lot of interesting references, i feel blessed.
Mogo wants to make a video featuring my characters, and i made them a page featuring their work.
I made the interview of Sear.hk a graffiti artist living in China.
Learning sign language !!!!!!! <<< very cool moves tbh
Scripts learning such as smooth scroll, modal gallery, visitors counter... are no longer secret to me.
must answer H mail, it makes me happy to have this special task to do

pff... still sick. *randomly take meds and pills in the kitchen*
i hope i heal or die. i want it to END

It's the second month of this year.
Inflation makes price raising, life nowadays is stress and becoming a race going straight to pure hell. I must redo my public transport abonnement because it's going to expire and it's going to be not really funny, because i don't not have time and money.
i haven't ate properly food lately because i feel uninspired and i am scared to go outside, last week they makes loud roadworks to remove the pavers from the sidewalk to install the "fiber" (Proximus 5G ???) this is a totally nonsense acts. Have they lost their mind ??? This is so useless. First they remove my tram stop, they just decide it without saying anything to the citizens. Second, they install more powerful internet (we ALREADY have connection, we don't need it to be faster) Third, they don't know what they're doing, it was my only one rest week since my exams and these fuckers decide to make holes in the ground. I am so fucking scared for the future. What a life. i hate it here.

i hope to fucking heal before the come back to uni because i can't breathe auauahghh

february blablablabla
my fridge is so empty as my stomach

nyah


This january month waS WILD YO
Developped technostalgia and the wanderer project !!!
Finally !!!! Started to write some articles... and some interviews......



La responsabilité d'un enseignement :

Si la méthode permet de rendre doués des individus, il n'en demeure pas moins que si l'idée est corrompue alors le disciple doué peut perdurer la corruption de la pire façon que des individus médiocres.

Solution : éducation civile, aplanir les différences et entretenir une égalité entre les individus.


i forgot what i wanted to say




29.01.25 : HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAAAAR !!!!!! This year we're celebrating the year of the wooden snak !!! SNAKEEE

28.01.25 11:10 : 
Right now I have a throat inflammation.

Learning LSF !!

Some time ago I had an accident and one of my ear stopped hearing, it was completely numb with the sensation of a layer covering my tympan, I feel like living in an aquarium. I thought of a ruptured eardrum and I read that it can take several heal. I stayed 1 week like this and my ear started bleeding a lot, so i went to see a doc. They couldn't determine what was happening (that uni doctor has pretty weird maneer honestly) but I paid the full price consult lol ofc. and land back home feeling lost. I went to some loud music events (concerts, raves) and the doc told me that I had scars in my ears. My grandmother was deaf and my mother has the cristaux in the ears, my brother often has otites and ear infections... so... I started to panick and have to lear sign language before it's too late.


"so uhhm yeah i am absolutely in communication and journalism fac of uni yeah"
*going non-verbal*

27.01.25 : Supposed to have a meet with a friend today but feel like we will postpone again and again because we are like this.

Got a answer from hideto in email box ! it makes me happy

Dreamt about a sunny place... and gummy snakes.

i fell asleep and woke up at 15h lol

What stops me to start my day at 5am ?
i feel sleepy...
4:48 i can't sleep. i plan to make bread ...
back to my bunker

26.01.25 13:35 : went to a punk night market with Mogo and it was so much fun
Sometimes I feel very very blessed you have such cool friends that invite me to go outside (the ninja cat that i am stopped night partying cause they go to sleep at 21) and we took the train all together with sum others friends (Cam & Noir & D & Mogo & their crushh) actually we were selling stuffs, my throat is dead because music was good and loud and you have to speak up clearly and high pitched if you want to be understood 
That's for real a good practice, i had moments of pure intense connection with sum friends also and i maked myself a way to the backstage because I wore a custom big mask and had to put my bag under security, SO I TRIED TO SPEAK WITH SIGN LANGUAGE and it was interesting

not sleeping for a night make my body shake and nauseous blehh but nice moments



^ me to my brother at 4am
we speak french because it's funny but we're asian nerds



25.01.25 : Even after all this years, I still struggling to express myself. My words won't come out when I speak, I feel stupid, i feel like i should shut up. forever. But when I listen at people i think they sound so stupid. and then i am telling myself that i should react and shout loudly why I think it is. I mean, some people easily say what they think, their opinions even if it's absurd or wrong, why am I not able to do so ? Telling the truth, the very back of my thoughts, reflect the realness of the world. Why can't I ? What am I missing ? I think it's practise. I am so much more comfortable with writing. How can I practise orality? I don't want my neighbours to hear me. I am scared to ask my friends to hang out. I don't want to be deceptive and to be deceived. The idea of having someone close to me make me want to hide, i will be angry at myself.

24.01.25 : FINISHED WINTEREXAMMMMS RRRAAAHHH finally i can REST hope the results will be not too bad lol cause i am lazy and haven's study like i should... Also because I focus a lot about other things
I sewed some gloves with fabric scraps yesterday while watching Clannad. The story of Yoshino is HEARTBREAKING and i can relate to it so much. Also watching the evolution of their lives... makes me feel hopeful.
Wish I could see some friends, but in another way i feel so good being alone. I'm reading some books, eating a little bit. Not speaking, to anyone. I love that

Bought this weird little apple today. it's called nashi pear, it's not an apple!

Have you ever tried to cut your apple like this ?
it changed my life.

Should i try nekoweb ?? leaving this link here so i remember
https://nekoweb.org/

how rp fucked with my mind, sanity and friendships. some years ago, I ve made some online and irl friends who were into roleplay (physically and by messaging), since i was young, i always have been curious to know what was it. My partners were older than me and we read a book that makes us start, a really cursed book. Actually i joined after they began their unhealthy game, the fact that, the characters of the book commit a murder, and they all suffer from psychological mental issues. At first, i didn't really like that book, it has been written by an American idolatred woman, named Donna Tartt. The language wasn't what I expected from a 600 pages book, Frankenstein quality's is highly better and only has 200 pages. Plus, I don't really feel close of the environment, the fact that they were students (and i was working back then) learning history of a linguistic in a worse way possible. The partners I had are both very close, and both of them really suffer to the point they aren't conscious of what they do. They overreacting, acting all the time. You don't know where is the limit. You don't know what is a game or not. I was pretty shy and easily manipulated back then I think. I wanted to have friends, and they both abused me, verbally but also physically. They wanted to try one of these rituals that happened in the book. And it was basically an - orgy. I am not the same genre as them, I was feeling things so much i became the image of the characters I was representing, sick, unsecure, yet innocent and the lamb in the fangs of wolves.
We got a dispute after 3 or 4 rounds of our meetings. One started to get jealous, it was pure misinterpretation. The older one is also a teacher, but way more older than me and has a god complex. They were so busy they dumped me, but kept their other friend close, because after all they started it together. I tried to be very patient, kind, and comprehensive, they were both so so in their little world they haven't noticed. This is so wrong. Respect has been crushed.



idk i just found this


YAYAYYYYY FINALLY D-1 AND I AM DONE WITH MY EXAMS !!!! WINTER BREAK WINTER BREAKKK


Journaling my dream on hydra truly keeps me sane... I need to know about that girl who was sleeping on my laps......

17.01.25 19:16 Took my monday off to code on journalism project ! i have no one to share it with but i zm truly do happy to work on it !! it looks so concrete and also i created a new Neocities :  technostalgia, the domain name was free ! so so happy, i love this word and concept !!
I must work seriously about this journalism project to push myself into interactions and interview people i admire. i finally finished my article about streetart !!!!!! I now can concentrate on others articles (king of Kowloon, ASCII art, and more), communications and interviews, collaborations... and also designs. The hardest part is to put everything together (medias, phone friendly) and the contents. Chose pertinent words, images. I am allowed be too much in documentation !! what a relief haha. I have learned how to reference and search open access article at uni and to write with objectivity and neutrality language.

I am absolutely not studying like I should because I don't see the point of losing my mind to overwork on something that doesn't make me more happy and inspired about existence.I mean, i looove going to uni and learning, but a full month of exam is too much. Way too much. but,,,I discovered that I have one week of REST yaayy after exams, and I didn't knew about it !! 
___

Reading "The guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all"

___
The illusion of not having choice by the outline drawn by who wants to lock you.
__
me whenever someone ask me  anything
(i only open up online)

__

"if i stop drawing i will get diarrhea"



hilarious

17.01.25 19:16 Took a nap. 
Am I doing things wrong ? The answer, the only pne who knows the answer is yourself. There is nothing wrong if you think you did your best yourself. Your act reflects what you are.

very cute interactions at uni :
a group of big dudes went out and the tallest one just ruffled the head of his friend who looks so gloomy 

found a pen on the ground
it still works and it's very satisfying to write with it

16.01.25 10:19 I can feel stability ; in my mood because I sleep a lot. In the evening, i just go in my bed even if i wish I had the energy to listen to music or to draw ; it's too cold out of my bed, anyways.
And so the early morning, I wake up before my alarm and I just curl up, and tell myself "it's for my good sake".

I feel so protected by my own independence.
___
Sometimes you wake up, and you feel so pure. Protected.
Goodwill is on its way. Everything will be in order. Harmony.
___
was sad. this makes me happy. puffy stickers 


omg hamie
just found this img on nc of someone i really enjoy to visit their site i hope they don't mind,
this image juste really make me haooy

___
"Mieux vaut ne pas trop s'en faire. Si tu forces trop les autres, il y aura toujours quelqu'un pour se rebeller, et trop d'enthousiasme apporte des résultats négatifs." Clannad s2 ep05
___
15.01.25 16:36 Exam this morning. I rushed to uni, my phone felt from my pocket, i lost it. i noticed and rushed back home. Two italians people was in a street and  help me to call my device and to find a solution. Someone answered after two rings and told me they leave it at the entrance of the building they are working. I went there to get it back, and hopefullyyyyy I GOT IT BACK !!!!! i rushed back at uni againnn and i arrived late at the exam, around 17min late. The limit is 30min, you can not pass it after this delay. I arrived panicked, Othman was there and also was my french teacher, she was kind.
___
I really want to play guitar !! 
My dream one is an Ibanez AS53.........


14.01.25 21:36Today i slept until 16h, i was very very tired. I was supposed to take that day off to study, but i am exhausted !! and cold. I allowed myself to eat chocolate.

13.01.25 23:58 Did you know that, sending a book to someone is kind of leaving an engraving print in the mind forever ? Like letters are inked in paper, it will never leave. Never.
And there is this one person sending and offering me books.
And I also offer books.
And we are marking each others hearts and souls. Quietly. slowly. secretly.

___
just a warning :
be too much to people and they will fear you
be not enough and they will forget everything about you
be constant
___
i wish i was someone's muse

10.01.25 17:34Today I woke up early because the sunlight was so bright, and the sun was so intensely blue. It snowed two days ago. I woke up and finally had the time and envy to read that letter i received. Breathtaking, urge to answer and to be there for them. I started to write an answer. no rush.
Then I took a shower, the need to purify has come, i wore a soft fabric and dressup in white to go outside, stepping in the snow. It's so rare, it was my only goal for today.
Went to recyclerie, and found a really oretty fabric to sew a cover for a hobonichi.
Softness, softness.

I don't want anything else than that.

___

update : i lost some hp while drawing instead of sleepin yesterday might

09.01.25 3:06 wish i could use my free time to draw, or code more projects or doing anything inspiring but......
yeah

i want to eat galette aux amandes, but it costs so much and i don't have anyone to share it with

09.01.25 17:34 Ca fait des heures que j'essaie de taffer mais j'arrive à rien faire efficacement, j'ai trop froid et j'suis déconcentrée, j'ai pas faim mais j'ai envie de soulever mon frigo et d'avaler tout son contenu
update : lanaged to study philosophy today. very interesting process
It's about the debate between rhetoric and dialectif of Platon in the Gorgias. The pre-exam question was about le bien or the goodness as a finality (telos)
One thing I find very very interesting is about how philosophy leads the mind to reflect about virtuosity and wisdom
well it's late, my eyes hurt and i will not write the entire thesis here hehe

09.01.25 3:07 Just got a vivid childhood memories of my mom puking in the toilet at night

Using Duckduckgo searching engine to use Yandex.ru again. Found nice comfy films... 

Modern History exam went well !! Discussed with Anon after school, that's a nice thing about today. Also little Lé was here and we chatchat at the tramstop. I wish I stayed more but it started snowing when i almost arrived home.
08.01.25 21:24

Studying studying studying
pay the rent
working working working
not enough to pay the rent
must move, must change my lifestyle 


07.01.25 20:52 Freezing !! Called my landlord and he unlocked the heating system that was not working at my floor and i have now some WARMTH. yaayyy ! he is so kind also... I should work hard, study hard and being the best human to reach this kind of person. i don't want to deceive
But I really must be careful because the heating cost rise so much here where I live. more than 11% of the price of energy. That is so much. almost 30x/month

" TECHNOSTALGIA "
reveals how resurrect, temporalize, nostalgize, restore, rehabilitate, remember, reflect, conserve, eternalize, memorialize, physicalize, daydream, journey, mask, elevate


Discovered Déhà 's collaboration with Kim and it's making me feel alive
Also their project is so clean, adore Averses
Digging into metal-archives again... never noticed that site is pretty good there is even a forum

No self-loathing anymore !

Last year, i've been negligecting my presence on social media, because i realised that i don't really need it anymore
I can feel freedom, and i can feel that i am saving my life by studying hard for my future.
To be honest I am still blankly scroll and close the app and open it again and scroll then being overwhelming with all the pics in my camera roll i should have post so i still have a restricted account where i sometimes manage to post archives but i actually hate the facts people follow me or can see that i am still here/active. I want to disappear. but i am an addict somehow and have a constancy with my posts (why, this is so contradictory-)
Anyways, i unfortunately can not delete my internet existence so i keep feeding the cult
i hope no one perceive me wrongly because i do


Dreamt vividly (dream diary on hydra)
Watched "Coin Locker Girl" (2015) and it's good.




03.01.25 19:40 Finished reading "Le dernier jour d'un Condamné" de Victor Hugo. It makes me so angry and sad 
Discovered that one of my teacher is manifesting an wide business interest in political (parti de droite), bruh. yea yea, alright alright, politics should not have any influences on your own ideologies, nor bring hate or empathy. Whatever.
Something is going wrong with this society and the country were i live is drowning under its debts and there is an inflation of economy. Electricity's price is going to rise madly, but also the rents, the public transports, postal services.
We must develop another economy... how ? Something alternative ? staying connected and in touch with the reality of this world helps. I am not an activist. I want to help, i want to be useful and to bring solutions. I am an architect (mbti) and i know there is hope, i want to believe in... Use your head, use your head.
People who rules the world are normal humans. They physiologically are the same as you and me. The ideals, point of views, opinions, educations, environnements, influences, history are the elements that structures the ideologies of human. But we are fundamentally all the same, with the same needs, vices and vertuosity. Anyways, humans are all the same. 


I DISCOVERED THE ORIGINAL SONG THEY'RE PLAYING IS THIS ^


02.01.25 22:03 omg happy new year !?! i'm retarded
My new yo eve was SO LOVELY, i thought i catched a cold but i recovered from it so fast, the little one i dated has a SUPERFASTWARMER heater in their place and everything was so comfy. We watched films, talked a lot, smoking then went outside to see fireworks and then we just came back inside and smoke again like a regular day, it was so comforting !!! We watched Junkhead (2017) ! I am obsessed with their guitars and home's decorations (they work in antique shop), they're so kind and lovely they teached me how to make lasagnas............. 7friends especially Seven-post-meridiem, knowww it's my real fave comfort food omg. I will never forget !!!!!!!!!!!!! I also randomly tried guitar and from instinct made the chords of Yukio in 青い春 (2001), this is so cool !!!!!!!! i am happy. starting the year inspired, loved, full of hopes.

We took a blank paper and wrote our successes, regrets and resolutions.
It was a good exercice !! I didn't had precises ideas but then I filled the entire sheet. I must do a ikigai soon.


31.12.24 15:42 Last day of the year. it went so fast feeewww... I used to make a list of serious things that i succeed or regret but this time my intropsection will be mental. I'm having a date tonight. Looking for being very vyre drunk and losing myself in anyone's sheet. I need warmth. I need to be loved. I need to be disrespected and deshumanised sometimes. I need someone who will push me against a wall and scalp my skin to blood. I need it i need it. My ideals are high, i hope to be fulfilled (there's nothing sane about these thoughts)

VLG OGZEOQZOEJGQOEZGJ

This winter is calm and cold COLD



29.12.24 21:58
Was thinking about M today. 1)mejibray 2)mr robot 3)my ex-partners
Started Tsurune season two and i am very hyped !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28.12.24 21:21
Finished Clannad. Finished Tsurune.

My life is full of colours again

__
Cleaned the windows. Feel pure.

28.12.24 14:13Got a pretty depressed time lately but right now there is a big sun ☀️ ! I catched a cold, there is no heat in my house and I feel anxious about me coming back to my mother's house because of my relationships failures. She talked to me about independancy and that I shouldn't depend on anyone. sighs. I have reminescences of the hopes a person i met in my artclass then traveled far away (we started discussing almost every day online), they were supposed to come back in the capital and live with me but... They prefered to make their own choices and live by their own. I struggle paying rent, and maybe it pushed me under pressure to find a roomate for that. I feel numb, I feel bad for becoming like this. But i found a solution, studying give me opportunity to earn a little but of money to stay in this appartement. Right now there is sun. I feel relieved to be alone, no one can influence my mood, i do whatever i want whenever i want but... I know, this is not sane. And the better for me and my family is to come back soon. With all my craps, my collection of items. Maybe my mom doesn't want it neither my brother, but i feel like a magpie, feeling the urge to pick shiny things and bring them back at house. I feel it. I think it's the best than keeping running away (even if my mom has tendancies to be harmful to me because of our differences and interpretations of life) from my past. I must come back, give my best, assuming my presence in their lives. I can offer beautiful things. I believe. I can help. But I also can be free to make my own choices (bad or good, they will offer me experiences, knowledge, I will learn about it. But I must risk) I am an adult, yet still a child-hearted. I don't want to change my mother's mentality because I know she wouldn't trust someone younger and destabilise her build up confidence, so all I can do is to accept and elevate minds, being credible enough to speak about truth and about what I know the best.

_________

I feel so happy yet so lost and sad, why shouldn't i jump under a train very soon ?

my cursor being a gnome

i can't stop laughing

____
24.12.24 11:24 listened to lifelover all night
____

Anyone's up for a cutter fight in the forest... now ?

Watched 1984. So good. So real. Being critique and careful.
_____
Mr. Robot : Dom & Darlene (might spoil)



Back again at this. Eliott Alderson mood...



Perceive the positive and the negative (of consequences) !
was my fatal error to one of my exam

Also restores concepts in their contexts and eras (knowing history)

22.12.24 9:55 It's winter break. I must study but I prefer to draw and in less than 3 days I made 10 different drawings. (Usually make 3 artpieces a week)

___

bro stop whining i need to aim the top...............
Learning from my failures !
___
Sometimes, you just have to accept how you work. How you are fundamentally built and what are your potentials.

Average, half-way, sometimes mid mistake.
For some reasons, I feel like i don't have any access to succeed in art or at school. I am always 'not too low, not too high' in any classments. But I think i'm starting to understand. Generally, I am doing things how I interpret them, maybe I don't get how extending logic algorithm functions or how to answer to request. I want to share my art, share my knowledge , being able to explain and synthesised in my mind with my understandings I've learned. I noticed that people with notoriety are becoming too confident and become lazy or end up ruining themselves. Being in the average makes you in the norms of discretion. It makes you a fighter, right ? It makes you constant. There is no luck for people like me. I just work, overwork to reach a personal goal. Nothing more, nothing less.

20.12.24  Today was a lovely day, I woke up at 7:19 and literally had 15min to take a shower, dress up and go to uni for my rhetoric class (friday 8am morning !! last lesson before winter break) then I talked to M who did the eloquence contest (I haven't written anything about it yet ? It was a challenge done by our teacher to present a discourse based on a fictional or real character. Only 7 participants and I chose to write and speak about Marla Singer from the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. I found interview videos about the author and he is actually a very odd and good rhetorician! We have to write a praise and a blame and present one of them. So I did it, shaking and sweating, and i had to talk in a huge microphone I was stressed and had struggle to read my text lol the jury said critiques to help us to become better and they said I look like not very in ease in my body AND THAT'S TRUE. Anyways, good experience and so I met that friend, M-) and studied chinese linguistics. We talked about calligraphy, origin of handwriting in Asia and Europe. Did you know that the vertical sinograms is a cause of the support ? The writers used to write on bamboo and the fibers where this side so it was logically easier to write this side. Also they read from right to left, and thats why the original side of manga, for the europe culture is inverted. Also in cursive italian lettering, the writer focus on the golden number to find perfect shape of harmony.
Some cool informations about writing.

Then my friend I arrived and we went to drink coffee (pumpkin latte 🫖) and eat pancakes 🥞!! It was such a lovely day. 

18.12.24 00:46What the fuck is going on. My neighbour knocks at my door (I recently had a dispute with her because she asked me to remove my "shits" from the letterbox and she lied to me saying that she hasn't throw my letters when she did. And also my plants...) to ask me if I want to come with her and her bf partying (they're 20+ years older). But I have exams, I was in my ugly winter pyjamas and SHE WAS DRUNK af.
The only one person I want to see is Ago
18.12.24 23:59Just in FRONT of my window, I heard people yelling and seem to be violent in the voice so I slided to see and I saw two cops arresting a guy who was already on the ground, one of the cop hits the head with his knee and i was so in shock, so I opened the window and ask " what is happening ? ", the guy who heard me said out loud " help me help me " (but don't have context, I can't help criminal in fact, i don't know him) so when the second van of police arrived that I just said out loud "I saw one of the cop hitting the guy's head with his knee " and closed my window. That's all, I am not a savior. But I just can't stay still when I see violence and injustice. 
Try to act wise and with caution, with prudent wisdom, with all your legitimicy you can inform with exactitude what you saw. No adverbs, no preferences. No exageration - it's the bet way to have a objective / neutral control and verification on your acts. - Denouncing cops, authority or any other kind of dominance's violence and abuse is a right. In my country, the white man privilege is a PROBLEM because it classifies people and create UNBALANCED INJUSTICES between humans. But also hegemony (=is in common parlance an unchallenged domination.) and repression (=voluntary rejection. Action of repressing an act deemed harmful at a given time and in a given society, set of measures taken for this purpose.)This is not humanity. This causes death.
Another one problematic is the "ACAB" concept. It means "All cops are bastards" in manifestation against dominance by authorities. The ideology surely is linked with injustice and the idea of counter repression and social stratification but it talks about violence. You can not have a peaceful result if you let the hate and anger rule the world. The expression has nonsense other than low insult and even has a racial connotation. So i don't get it...

Been thinking about this a lot.

18.12.24 18:11Today with Anon, we went to repare my glasses because i blind. Then we went to Schleiper to buy some furnitures !! And books ! Then we went to a bakery and I ate the best pastry i ever ate in MY LIFE, for real it was the best thing ever omfg it has a 8 shape and a pudding heart taste like WTF it was so good i cry

17.12.24 22:29 Dropped some things to sell spontaneously on my instagram story
I've been digging in 16colo.rs archives and found so much cool stuffs.

(thoughts...)
We all deserve to be loved  noticed, respected. Happy, protected, peaceful.
Curling under blanket. Softness
Stop running after things you can't have
16.13.24 00:08 Being nostalgic, thinking about スウィートプール visual novel (Sweet Pool)  The sountracks are so good... Truly make me feel something odd, melancholic, close and so distant from a time I can not and will never catch again somehow. But the thing is I truly lived through it for a time, the history will always be a part of me. It engraved something in my mind, something personal, important.
I also feel something when I watch Kyoto Animation animes, recently I've been watching Tsurune for no particuliar other reason that I adore and love the colours and animation of this studio, and surprisely adored and related with Seiya, this character truly has something common with my personnality and it's interesting to watching how someone introvert and serious deals in a group of teammates... 

Back to Diving Deep and fade from SP, I'm feeling blue.
My sleeping schedule has been weird lately. I actually do many naps. I feel blue. Lonely. Melancholic.
Someone said that sleeping a lot is good for the skin and the mood.
Lack of sleep. Oversleep. My rhythm isn't good. Yell me to sleep !!
15.13.24 1:35 Took a nap when I arrived home and woke up at 22:35, hungry. Ate vietnamese flat rice noodles and an apple watching Tsurune (because literally bring me the sunlight I need)

15.13.24 19:32 Someone said I was charismatic but I honestly really want to be that person (totally opposite look)
Also, alcool hits hard, I am sleepy in the tram. 
15.12.24 14:32 Decided to go out to see a friend, but they are late so I have to wait 50min at the station. People in the capital are desperate, they have diseases, ask for help, they calls you out every meter to ask you for a cig or money. Hopefully I dressed all black so I don't have interpellations about my outfit or whatever (because when I dress in egl and wander out, people just stare, or comment about your fit or even follow you)... I am anxious that I can't decide where I can go to hide myself. So I visited my old friend who has an antique shop near that old church. He is an old person, but he happily recognise me ! Then I came back to the station to find my friend, she arrived and we walked and talked and wandered in the Christmas market, we drank warm wine. It was lovely. Our discussions always are fruitful, she said something about "la lumière intérieure" and "l'âme". We always have interesting spiritual exchanges. I offered the golden book about Taoist thoughts and she surprised me offering a calligraphy box with old nibs. How lovely she is... We also chatted about our relationships and how unique is a human being, inevitably separate and individual in this society. 
14.12.24 19:49 Ended up curling up in my bed and being unstoppablely comfy
14.12.24 13:54 Saturday, exercised on piano. Studying History of art. This month will be a calm moment, because exams are arriving soon (in January) and I must focus. I love studying, learning, taking break, and styding again. Today, I studied the Wisigoths (Spain), Lombards (Italy), Foyer Irlandais (Irland) and Francs (France) cultures. My notes are on uni page.
13.12.24 17:37 Happy 13/12 ! Today, I bought socks.


reached goal and success to remember to cheer me up lol
- got invited to artist market
- survived winter blocus
- studied a lot and passed my exams
- participated to an organisation of OPAC
- write articles for the wanderer 
- got a calligraphy backpiece
- developed my writings 
- found a red pen at uni
- watched recommended film (Sound of Metal 💔)
- got white teeth and paid meds
- got a light (lampe a pile clicker and canard veilleuse de ma sweet friend)
- finished hobonichi
- spend new years with Cha and made lasagnas
- found a wolf jacket
- played guitar
- sold papers at punk market

listening at :

fade

list of things that makes me happy cakes and softness light-hearted things (sometimes bc i am too serious person) soundtracks/ost baking bread silly and crazy montages things vn = vietnam and visual novel lamento pancakes and coffee internet, hobonichi journal, nashi peer and apples, lavender in tea, headphones, old mp4, bento, references as tattoo, wisely roasting mean people, talking about void, enjoying lone moments, gallery of images, emailing , ascii art, inspire people, falling in love, thinking about people who still believe in me, happiness, imagining my own death and afterlife, thibking about that girl who writes in her diary, that lonely girl who typed about her dreams and good things she does to be forgiven , this blog, quotes, humility, hot water bottle, blankets, wearing black clothes to look normal in society, dreaming, imagining being not stuck, making lists of future plans, elaborate solutions, wake up at 7am, offering trinkets, smile at strangers (girls), music, "the guy she has a crush on wasn't a guy at all"..., protesting for rights, protesting against injustice, paint, black clothes, chocolat chaud, choping my hair at 1am, sociology, asking people's number and never call them, observing, choco cake, mystery lover, sincerity, spontaneous decisions thant ends well "I like to believe I am a part of the solution, not the problem."

fic

Hide where no one can find you. So beautiful. Pretty, lovely, disgusting. Auto-fiction can heal a lonely soul. Imagining friends. Situations. Writing instead of overthinking. It's like... "mental masturbation" When I created my imaginary friends, Shirotan and Kuroge from my writing project Scars & Knives, I felt like I've been free to describe a part of my environment and let live some characters to see where it will goes. The final was so perfect, so incredible. Writing to ends and let choose how it will end was such an idea. Will you choose happiness or despair ? Will you choose to live or to die ? How do you treat them and yourself ? Questioning. Fears. Answer. Making choices. j'ai tellement de COLÈRE envers les personnes qui m'aiment, qui m'ont aimé, qui ont projetés des choses en moi et finissent par me HAÏR parce qu'ils n'ont pas et été capable de gérer leurs problèmes. J'ai rien demandé, j'étais là et ils ont juste abusés. J'en ai marre de leur courir après, de demander des explications, d'entretenir un truc qui va lâcher, PAR LEUR FAUTE. j'ai envie de les afficher, de les pendre par la tête et de montrer au monde qu'ils ne sont pas aussi fiables qu'on ne le pense. Ne croyez pas les grandes personnes, ne croyez pas en ceux qui ont confiance en eux. Ce sont des imposteurs, des manipulateurs d'esprits, ils pensent tout avoir, l'attention, vous, le monde est à leur pieds, mais c'est faux, l'injustice n'attire que la haine et de l'incompréhension. Souvent, je déçois le " personnage " que je me suis créé. Durant des années j'ai alimenté une personnalité soit disant parfaite à mes yeux, pour trouver qu'elle a en réalité des défauts tellements visibles et que son existence est une imperfection désagréable. Je dois affiner tout, retravailler toujours. Polir les imperfections, devenir meilleur. Le physique ne va pas avec la voix, qui ne va pas avec la personnalité, qui ne va pas avec les productions. Rien n'est cohérent tant l'influence m'a possédé. Qui suis-je au final ? I wish someone could notice how had I try. _____ ok ok ok my bro went to my place to talk to me be cause HE HAS HIS FIRST DATEEEE that that is that is so IMPORTANT MOMENT i am so so toucheeeed he came to speak up and ask things about conversations and love and that's the most cutest thing evr I always thought that guy was about to live a loveless life and he finally step the step AAA YKNOW i am so happpy he confessed to me it's like brooooooooo he's my brooooooo /02/25 i hope you spend you love month with your love one of whatever my bro is the cutest guy ever in the world i just hope we are just so sincere and hopeful persons..... ___ Lately, there is this friend I used to share soft and kind stuffs, for some reason we often got political debates with her and maybe it's my fault. I shouldn't speak about it with her. She is hyper-vigilant about lots of things, but in a way, she is 5 years older than me, and pretty smart so I think she could understand.