"if i stop drawing i will get diarrhea"
hilariois
17.01.25 19:16 Took a nap.
Am I doing things wrong ? The answer, the only pne who knows the answer is yourself. There is nothing wrong if you think you did your best yourself. Your act reflects what you are.
very cute interactions at uni :
a group of big dudes went out and the tallest one just ruffled the head of his friend who looks so gloomy
found a pen on the ground
it still works and it's very satisfying to write with it
16.01.25 10:19 I can feel stability ; in my mood because I sleep a lot. In the evening, i just go in my bed even if i wish I had the energy to listen to music or to draw ; it's too cold out of my bed, anyways.
And so the early morning, I wake up before my alarm and I just curl up, and tell myself "it's for my good sake".
I feel so protected by my own independence.
___
Sometimes you wake up, and you feel so pure. Protected.
Goodwill is on its way. Everything will be in order. Harmony.
___
was sad. this makes me happy. puffy stickers
omg hamie
just found this img on nc of someone i really enjoy to visit their site i hope they don't mind,
this image juste really make me haooy
___
"Mieux vaut ne pas trop s'en faire. Si tu forces trop les autres, il y aura toujours quelqu'un pour se rebeller, et trop d'enthousiasme apporte des résultats négatifs." Clannad s2 ep05
___
15.01.25 16:36 Exam this morning. I rushed to uni, my phone felt from my pocket, i lost it. i noticed and rushed back home. Two italians people was in a street and help me to call my device and to find a solution. Someone answered after two rings and told me they leave it at the entrance of the building they are working. I went there to get it back, and hopefullyyyyy I GOT IT BACK !!!!! i rushed back at uni againnn and i arrived late at the exam, around 17min late. The limit is 30min, you can not pass it after this delay. I arrived panicked, Othman was there and also was my french teacher, she was kind.
___
I really want to play guitar !!
My dream one is an Ibanez AS53.........
14.01.25 21:36Today i slept until 16h, i was very very tired. I was supposed to take that day off to study, but i am exhausted !! and cold. I allowed myself to eat chocolate.
13.01.25 23:58 Did you know that, sending a book to someone is kind of leaving an engraving print in the mind forever ? Like letters are inked in paper, it will never leave. Never.
And there is this one person sending and offering me books.
And I also offer books.
And we are marking each others hearts and souls. Quietly. slowly. secretly.
___
just a warning :
be too much to people and they will fear you
be not enough and they will forget everything about you
be constant
___
i wish i was someone's muse
10.01.25 17:34Today I woke up early because the sunlight was so bright, and the sun was so intensely blue. It snowed two days ago. I woke up and finally had the time and envy to read that letter i received. Breathtaking, urge to answer and to be there for them. I started to write an answer. no rush.
Then I took a shower, the need to purify has come, i wore a soft fabric and dressup in white to go outside, stepping in the snow. It's so rare, it was my only goal for today.
Went to recyclerie, and found a really oretty fabric to sew a cover for a hobonichi.
Softness, softness.
I don't want anything else than that.
___
update : i lost some hp while drawing instead of sleepin yesterday might
09.01.25 3:06 wish i could use my free time to draw, or code more projects or doing anything inspiring but......
yeah
i want to eat galette aux amandes, but it costs so much and i don't have anyone to share it with
09.01.25 17:34 Ca fait des heures que j'essaie de taffer mais j'arrive à rien faire efficacement, j'ai trop froid et j'suis déconcentrée, j'ai pas faim mais j'ai envie de soulever mon frigo et d'avaler tout son contenu
update : lanaged to study philosophy today. very interesting process
It's about the debate between rhetoric and dialectif of Platon in the Gorgias. The pre-exam question was about le bien or the goodness as a finality (telos)
One thing I find very very interesting is about how philosophy leads the mind to reflect about virtuosity and wisdom
well it's late, my eyes hurt and i will not write the entire thesis here hehe
09.01.25 3:07 Just got a vivid childhood memories of my mom puking in the toilet at night
Using Duckduckgo searching engine to use Yandex.ru again. Found nice comfy films...
Modern History exam went well !! Discussed with Anon after school, that's a nice thing about today. Also little Lé was here and we chatchat at the tramstop. I wish I stayed more but it started snowing when i almost arrived home.
08.01.25 21:24
Studying studying studying
pay the rent
working working working
not enough to pay the rent
must move, must change my lifestyle
07.01.25 20:52 Freezing !! Called my landlord and he unlocked the heating system that was not working at my floor and i have now some WARMTH. yaayyy ! he is so kind also... I should work hard, study hard and being the best human to reach this kind of person. i don't want to deceive
But I really must be careful because the heating cost rise so much here where I live. more than 11% of the price of energy. That is so much. almost 30x/month
" TECHNOSTALGIA "reveals how resurrect, temporalize, nostalgize, restore, rehabilitate, remember, reflect, conserve, eternalize, memorialize, physicalize, daydream, journey, mask, elevate
Discovered Déhà 's collaboration with Kim and it's making me feel alive
Also their project is so clean, adore Averses
Digging into metal-archives again... never noticed that site is pretty good there is even a forum
No self-loathing anymore !
Last year, i've been negligecting my presence on social media, because i realised that i don't really need it anymore
I can feel freedom, and i can feel that i am saving my life by studying hard for my future.
To be honest I am still blankly scroll and close the app and open it again and scroll then being overwhelming with all the pics in my camera roll i should have post so i still have a restricted account where i sometimes manage to post archives but i actually hate the facts people follow me or can see that i am still here/active. I want to disappear. but i am an addict somehow and have a constancy with my posts (why, this is so contradictory-)
Anyways, i unfortunately can not delete my internet existence so i keep feeding the cult
i hope no one perceive me wrongly because i do
Dreamt vividly (dream diary on hydra)
Watched "Coin Locker Girl" (2015) and it's good.
03.01.25 19:40 Finished reading "Le dernier jour d'un Condamné" de Victor Hugo. It makes me so angry and sad
Discovered that one of my teacher is manifesting an wide business interest in political (parti de droite), bruh. yea yea, alright alright, politics should not have any influences on your own ideologies, nor bring hate or empathy. Whatever.
Something is going wrong with this society and the country were i live is drowning under its debts and there is an inflation of economy. Electricity's price is going to rise madly, but also the rents, the public transports, postal services.
We must develop another economy... how ? Something alternative ? staying connected and in touch with the reality of this world helps. I am not an activist. I want to help, i want to be useful and to bring solutions. I am an architect (mbti) and i know there is hope, i want to believe in... Use your head, use your head.
People who rules the world are normal humans. They physiologically are the same as you and me. The ideals, point of views, opinions, educations, environnements, influences, history are the elements that structures the ideologies of human. But we are fundamentally all the same, with the same needs, vices and vertuosity. Anyways, humans are all the same.
I DISCOVERED THE ORIGINAL SONG THEY'RE PLAYING IS THIS ^02.01.25 22:03 omg happy new year !?! i'm retarded
My new yo eve was SO LOVELY, i thought i catched a cold but i recovered from it so fast, the little one i dated has a SUPERFASTWARMER heater in their place and everything was so comfy. We watched films, talked a lot, smoking then went outside to see fireworks and then we just came back inside and smoke again like a regular day, it was so comforting !!! We watched Junkhead (2017) ! I am obsessed with their guitars and home's decorations (they work in antique shop), they're so kind and lovely they teached me how to make lasagnas............. 7friends especially Seven-post-meridiem, knowww it's my real fave comfort food omg. I will never forget !!!!!!!!!!!!! I also randomly tried guitar and from instinct made the chords of Yukio in 青い春 (2001), this is so cool !!!!!!!! i am happy. starting the year inspired, loved, full of hopes.
We took a blank paper and wrote our successes, regrets and resolutions.
It was a good exercice !! I didn't had precises ideas but then I filled the entire sheet. I must do a ikigai soon.
31.12.24 15:42 Last day of the year. it went so fast feeewww... I used to make a list of serious things that i succeed or regret but this time my intropsection will be mental. I'm having a date tonight. Looking for being very vyre drunk and losing myself in anyone's sheet. I need warmth. I need to be loved. I need to be disrespected and deshumanised sometimes. I need someone who will push me against a wall and scalp my skin to blood. I need it i need it. My ideals are high, i hope to be fulfilled (there's nothing sane about these thoughts)
VLG OGZEOQZOEJGQOEZGJThis winter is calm and cold COLD29.12.24 21:58
Was thinking about M today. 1)mejibray 2)mr robot 3)my ex-partners
Started Tsurune season two and i am very hyped !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28.12.24 21:21
Finished Clannad. Finished Tsurune.
My life is full of colours again
__
Cleaned the windows. Feel pure.28.12.24 14:13Got a pretty depressed time lately but right now there is a big sun ☀️ ! I catched a cold, there is no heat in my house and I feel anxious about me coming back to my mother's house because of my relationships failures. She talked to me about independancy and that I shouldn't depend on anyone. sighs. I have reminescences of the hopes a person i met in my artclass then traveled far away (we started discussing almost every day online), they were supposed to come back in the capital and live with me but... They prefered to make their own choices and live by their own. I struggle paying rent, and maybe it pushed me under pressure to find a roomate for that. I feel numb, I feel bad for becoming like this. But i found a solution, studying give me opportunity to earn a little but of money to stay in this appartement. Right now there is sun. I feel relieved to be alone, no one can influence my mood, i do whatever i want whenever i want but... I know, this is not sane. And the better for me and my family is to come back soon. With all my craps, my collection of items. Maybe my mom doesn't want it neither my brother, but i feel like a magpie, feeling the urge to pick shiny things and bring them back at house. I feel it. I think it's the best than keeping running away (even if my mom has tendancies to be harmful to me because of our differences and interpretations of life) from my past. I must come back, give my best, assuming my presence in their lives. I can offer beautiful things. I believe. I can help. But I also can be free to make my own choices (bad or good, they will offer me experiences, knowledge, I will learn about it. But I must risk) I am an adult, yet still a child-hearted. I don't want to change my mother's mentality because I know she wouldn't trust someone younger and destabilise her build up confidence, so all I can do is to accept and elevate minds, being credible enough to speak about truth and about what I know the best.
_________
I feel so happy yet so lost and sad, why shouldn't i jump under a train very soon ?
my cursor being a gnome
i can't stop laughing
____
24.12.24 11:24 listened to lifelover all night
____
Anyone's up for a cutter fight in the forest... now ?
Watched 1984. So good. So real. Being critique and careful.
_____
Mr. Robot : Dom & Darlene (might spoil)
Back again at this. Eliott Alderson mood...
Perceive the positive and the negative (of consequences) !
was my fatal error to one of my exam
Also restores concepts in their contexts and eras (knowing history)
22.12.24 9:55 It's winter break. I must study but I prefer to draw and in less than 3 days I made 10 different drawings. (Usually make 3 artpieces a week)
___
bro stop whining i need to aim the top...............
Learning from my failures !
___
Sometimes, you just have to accept how you work. How you are fundamentally built and what are your potentials.
Average, half-way, sometimes mid mistake.
For some reasons, I feel like i don't have any access to succeed in art or at school. I am always 'not too low, not too high' in any classments. But I think i'm starting to understand. Generally, I am doing things how I interpret them, maybe I don't get how extending logic algorithm functions or how to answer to request. I want to share my art, share my knowledge , being able to explain and synthesised in my mind with my understandings I've learned. I noticed that people with notoriety are becoming too confident and become lazy or end up ruining themselves. Being in the average makes you in the norms of discretion. It makes you a fighter, right ? It makes you constant. There is no luck for people like me. I just work, overwork to reach a personal goal. Nothing more, nothing less.
20.12.24 Today was a lovely day, I woke up at 7:19 and literally had 15min to take a shower, dress up and go to uni for my rhetoric class (friday 8am morning !! last lesson before winter break) then I talked to M who did the eloquence contest (I haven't written anything about it yet ? It was a challenge done by our teacher to present a discourse based on a fictional or real character. Only 7 participants and I chose to write and speak about Marla Singer from the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. I found interview videos about the author and he is actually a very odd and good rhetorician! We have to write a praise and a blame and present one of them. So I did it, shaking and sweating, and i had to talk in a huge microphone I was stressed and had struggle to read my text lol the jury said critiques to help us to become better and they said I look like not very in ease in my body AND THAT'S TRUE. Anyways, good experience and so I met that friend, M-) and studied chinese linguistics. We talked about calligraphy, origin of handwriting in Asia and Europe. Did you know that the vertical sinograms is a cause of the support ? The writers used to write on bamboo and the fibers where this side so it was logically easier to write this side. Also they read from right to left, and thats why the original side of manga, for the europe culture is inverted. Also in cursive italian lettering, the writer focus on the golden number to find perfect shape of harmony.
Some cool informations about writing.
Then my friend I arrived and we went to drink coffee (pumpkin latte 🫖) and eat pancakes 🥞!! It was such a lovely day.
18.12.24 00:46What the fuck is going on. My neighbour knocks at my door (I recently had a dispute with her because she asked me to remove my "shits" from the letterbox and she lied to me saying that she hasn't throw my letters when she did. And also my plants...) to ask me if I want to come with her and her bf partying (they're 20+ years older). But I have exams, I was in my ugly winter pyjamas and SHE WAS DRUNK af.
The only one person I want to see is Ago
18.12.24 23:59Just in FRONT of my window, I heard people yelling and seem to be violent in the voice so I slided to see and I saw two cops arresting a guy who was already on the ground, one of the cop hits the head with his knee and i was so in shock, so I opened the window and ask " what is happening ? ", the guy who heard me said out loud " help me help me " (but don't have context, I can't help criminal in fact, i don't know him) so when the second van of police arrived that I just said out loud "I saw one of the cop hitting the guy's head with his knee " and closed my window. That's all, I am not a savior. But I just can't stay still when I see violence and injustice.
Try to act wise and with caution, with prudent wisdom, with all your legitimicy you can inform with exactitude what you saw. No adverbs, no preferences. No exageration - it's the bet way to have a objective / neutral control and verification on your acts. - Denouncing cops, authority or any other kind of dominance's violence and abuse is a right. In my country, the white man privilege is a PROBLEM because it classifies people and create UNBALANCED INJUSTICES between humans. But also hegemony (=is in common parlance an unchallenged domination.) and repression (=voluntary rejection. Action of repressing an act deemed harmful at a given time and in a given society, set of measures taken for this purpose.)This is not humanity. This causes death.
Another one problematic is the "ACAB" concept. It means "All cops are bastards" in manifestation against dominance by authorities. The ideology surely is linked with injustice and the idea of counter repression and social stratification but it talks about violence. You can not have a peaceful result if you let the hate and anger rule the world. The expression has nonsense other than low insult and even has a racial connotation. So i don't get it...
Been thinking about this a lot.
18.12.24 18:11Today with Anon, we went to repare my glasses because i blind. Then we went to Schleiper to buy some furnitures !! And books ! Then we went to a bakery and I ate the best pastry i ever ate in MY LIFE, for real it was the best thing ever omfg it has a 8 shape and a pudding heart taste like WTF it was so good i cry
17.12.24 22:29 Dropped some things to sell spontaneously on my instagram story
I've been digging in 16colo.rs archives and found so much cool stuffs.
(thoughts...)
We all deserve to be loved noticed, respected. Happy, protected, peaceful.
Curling under blanket. Softness
Stop running after things you can't have
16.13.24 00:08 Being nostalgic, thinking about スウィートプール visual novel (Sweet Pool) The sountracks are so good... Truly make me feel something odd, melancholic, close and so distant from a time I can not and will never catch again somehow. But the thing is I truly lived through it for a time, the history will always be a part of me. It engraved something in my mind, something personal, important.
I also feel something when I watch Kyoto Animation animes, recently I've been watching Tsurune for no particuliar other reason that I adore and love the colours and animation of this studio, and surprisely adored and related with Seiya, this character truly has something common with my personnality and it's interesting to watching how someone introvert and serious deals in a group of teammates...
Back to Diving Deep and fade from SP, I'm feeling blue.
My sleeping schedule has been weird lately. I actually do many naps. I feel blue. Lonely. Melancholic.
Someone said that sleeping a lot is good for the skin and the mood.
Lack of sleep. Oversleep. My rhythm isn't good. Yell me to sleep !!
15.13.24 1:35 Took a nap when I arrived home and woke up at 22:35, hungry. Ate vietnamese flat rice noodles and an apple watching Tsurune (because literally bring me the sunlight I need)
15.13.24 19:32 Someone said I was charismatic but I honestly really want to be that person (totally opposite look)
Also, alcool hits hard, I am sleepy in the tram.
15.12.24 14:32 Decided to go out to see a friend, but they are late so I have to wait 50min at the station. People in the capital are desperate, they have diseases, ask for help, they calls you out every meter to ask you for a cig or money. Hopefully I dressed all black so I don't have interpellations about my outfit or whatever (because when I dress in egl and wander out, people just stare, or comment about your fit or even follow you)... I am anxious that I can't decide where I can go to hide myself. So I visited my old friend who has an antique shop near that old church. He is an old person, but he happily recognise me ! Then I came back to the station to find my friend, she arrived and we walked and talked and wandered in the Christmas market, we drank warm wine. It was lovely. Our discussions always are fruitful, she said something about "la lumière intérieure" and "l'âme". We always have interesting spiritual exchanges. I offered the golden book about Taoist thoughts and she surprised me offering a calligraphy box with old nibs. How lovely she is... We also chatted about our relationships and how unique is a human being, inevitably separate and individual in this society.
14.12.24 19:49 Ended up curling up in my bed and being unstoppablely comfy
14.12.24 13:54 Saturday, exercised on piano. Studying History of art. This month will be a calm moment, because exams are arriving soon (in January) and I must focus. I love studying, learning, taking break, and styding again. Today, I studied the Wisigoths (Spain), Lombards (Italy), Foyer Irlandais (Irland) and Francs (France) cultures. My notes are on uni page.
13.12.24 17:37 Happy 13/12 ! Today, I bought socks.
mood :
fic
Hide where no one can find you.
So beautiful. Pretty, lovely, disgusting.
Auto-fiction can heal a lonely soul. Imagining friends. Situations. Writing instead of overthinking. It's like... mental masturbation.
When I created Shirotan and Kuroge, I felt like I can describe a part of my environment and let live some characters to see where it will goes. The final was so perfect, so incrdible. Two ends...
hilariois 17.01.25 19:16 Took a nap. Am I doing things wrong ? The answer, the only pne who knows the answer is yourself. There is nothing wrong if you think you did your best yourself. Your act reflects what you are. very cute interactions at uni : a group of big dudes went out and the tallest one just ruffled the head of his friend who looks so gloomy found a pen on the ground it still works and it's very satisfying to write with it 16.01.25 10:19 I can feel stability ; in my mood because I sleep a lot. In the evening, i just go in my bed even if i wish I had the energy to listen to music or to draw ; it's too cold out of my bed, anyways. And so the early morning, I wake up before my alarm and I just curl up, and tell myself "it's for my good sake". I feel so protected by my own independence. ___ Sometimes you wake up, and you feel so pure. Protected. Goodwill is on its way. Everything will be in order. Harmony. ___ was sad. this makes me happy. puffy stickers
omg hamie just found this img on nc of someone i really enjoy to visit their site i hope they don't mind, this image juste really make me haooy
14.01.25 21:36Today i slept until 16h, i was very very tired. I was supposed to take that day off to study, but i am exhausted !! and cold. I allowed myself to eat chocolate. 13.01.25 23:58 Did you know that, sending a book to someone is kind of leaving an engraving print in the mind forever ? Like letters are inked in paper, it will never leave. Never. And there is this one person sending and offering me books. And I also offer books. And we are marking each others hearts and souls. Quietly. slowly. secretly. ___ just a warning : be too much to people and they will fear you be not enough and they will forget everything about you be constant ___ i wish i was someone's muse
10.01.25 17:34Today I woke up early because the sunlight was so bright, and the sun was so intensely blue. It snowed two days ago. I woke up and finally had the time and envy to read that letter i received. Breathtaking, urge to answer and to be there for them. I started to write an answer. no rush. Then I took a shower, the need to purify has come, i wore a soft fabric and dressup in white to go outside, stepping in the snow. It's so rare, it was my only goal for today. Went to recyclerie, and found a really oretty fabric to sew a cover for a hobonichi. Softness, softness. I don't want anything else than that. ___ update : i lost some hp while drawing instead of sleepin yesterday might 09.01.25 3:06 wish i could use my free time to draw, or code more projects or doing anything inspiring but...... yeah i want to eat galette aux amandes, but it costs so much and i don't have anyone to share it with 09.01.25 17:34 Ca fait des heures que j'essaie de taffer mais j'arrive à rien faire efficacement, j'ai trop froid et j'suis déconcentrée, j'ai pas faim mais j'ai envie de soulever mon frigo et d'avaler tout son contenu update : lanaged to study philosophy today. very interesting process It's about the debate between rhetoric and dialectif of Platon in the Gorgias. The pre-exam question was about le bien or the goodness as a finality (telos) One thing I find very very interesting is about how philosophy leads the mind to reflect about virtuosity and wisdom well it's late, my eyes hurt and i will not write the entire thesis here hehe 09.01.25 3:07 Just got a vivid childhood memories of my mom puking in the toilet at night Using Duckduckgo searching engine to use Yandex.ru again. Found nice comfy films... Modern History exam went well !! Discussed with Anon after school, that's a nice thing about today. Also little Lé was here and we chatchat at the tramstop. I wish I stayed more but it started snowing when i almost arrived home. 08.01.25 21:24 Studying studying studying pay the rent working working working not enough to pay the rent must move, must change my lifestyle 07.01.25 20:52 Freezing !! Called my landlord and he unlocked the heating system that was not working at my floor and i have now some WARMTH. yaayyy ! he is so kind also... I should work hard, study hard and being the best human to reach this kind of person. i don't want to deceive But I really must be careful because the heating cost rise so much here where I live. more than 11% of the price of energy. That is so much. almost 30x/month " TECHNOSTALGIA " reveals how resurrect, temporalize, nostalgize, restore, rehabilitate, remember, reflect, conserve, eternalize, memorialize, physicalize, daydream, journey, mask, elevate
No self-loathing anymore ! Last year, i've been negligecting my presence on social media, because i realised that i don't really need it anymore I can feel freedom, and i can feel that i am saving my life by studying hard for my future. To be honest I am still blankly scroll and close the app and open it again and scroll then being overwhelming with all the pics in my camera roll i should have post so i still have a restricted account where i sometimes manage to post archives but i actually hate the facts people follow me or can see that i am still here/active. I want to disappear. but i am an addict somehow and have a constancy with my posts (why, this is so contradictory-) Anyways, i unfortunately can not delete my internet existence so i keep feeding the cult i hope no one perceive me wrongly because i do
Dreamt vividly (dream diary on hydra) Watched "Coin Locker Girl" (2015) and it's good.
03.01.25 19:40 Finished reading "Le dernier jour d'un Condamné" de Victor Hugo. It makes me so angry and sad Discovered that one of my teacher is manifesting an wide business interest in political (parti de droite), bruh. yea yea, alright alright, politics should not have any influences on your own ideologies, nor bring hate or empathy. Whatever. Something is going wrong with this society and the country were i live is drowning under its debts and there is an inflation of economy. Electricity's price is going to rise madly, but also the rents, the public transports, postal services. We must develop another economy... how ? Something alternative ? staying connected and in touch with the reality of this world helps. I am not an activist. I want to help, i want to be useful and to bring solutions. I am an architect (mbti) and i know there is hope, i want to believe in... Use your head, use your head. People who rules the world are normal humans. They physiologically are the same as you and me. The ideals, point of views, opinions, educations, environnements, influences, history are the elements that structures the ideologies of human. But we are fundamentally all the same, with the same needs, vices and vertuosity. Anyways, humans are all the same. I DISCOVERED THE ORIGINAL SONG THEY'RE PLAYING IS THIS ^
02.01.25 22:03 omg happy new year !?! i'm retarded My new yo eve was SO LOVELY, i thought i catched a cold but i recovered from it so fast, the little one i dated has a SUPERFASTWARMER heater in their place and everything was so comfy. We watched films, talked a lot, smoking then went outside to see fireworks and then we just came back inside and smoke again like a regular day, it was so comforting !!! We watched Junkhead (2017) ! I am obsessed with their guitars and home's decorations (they work in antique shop), they're so kind and lovely they teached me how to make lasagnas............. 7friends especially Seven-post-meridiem, knowww it's my real fave comfort food omg. I will never forget !!!!!!!!!!!!! I also randomly tried guitar and from instinct made the chords of Yukio in 青い春 (2001), this is so cool !!!!!!!! i am happy. starting the year inspired, loved, full of hopes. We took a blank paper and wrote our successes, regrets and resolutions. It was a good exercice !! I didn't had precises ideas but then I filled the entire sheet. I must do a ikigai soon.
31.12.24 15:42 Last day of the year. it went so fast feeewww... I used to make a list of serious things that i succeed or regret but this time my intropsection will be mental. I'm having a date tonight. Looking for being very vyre drunk and losing myself in anyone's sheet. I need warmth. I need to be loved. I need to be disrespected and deshumanised sometimes. I need someone who will push me against a wall and scalp my skin to blood. I need it i need it. My ideals are high, i hope to be fulfilled (there's nothing sane about these thoughts) VLG OGZEOQZOEJGQOEZGJ This winter is calm and cold COLD
29.12.24 21:58 Was thinking about M today. 1)mejibray 2)mr robot 3)my ex-partners Started Tsurune season two and i am very hyped !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 28.12.24 21:21 Finished Clannad. Finished Tsurune. My life is full of colours again
__ Cleaned the windows. Feel pure. 28.12.24 14:13Got a pretty depressed time lately but right now there is a big sun ☀️ ! I catched a cold, there is no heat in my house and I feel anxious about me coming back to my mother's house because of my relationships failures. She talked to me about independancy and that I shouldn't depend on anyone. sighs. I have reminescences of the hopes a person i met in my artclass then traveled far away (we started discussing almost every day online), they were supposed to come back in the capital and live with me but... They prefered to make their own choices and live by their own. I struggle paying rent, and maybe it pushed me under pressure to find a roomate for that. I feel numb, I feel bad for becoming like this. But i found a solution, studying give me opportunity to earn a little but of money to stay in this appartement. Right now there is sun. I feel relieved to be alone, no one can influence my mood, i do whatever i want whenever i want but... I know, this is not sane. And the better for me and my family is to come back soon. With all my craps, my collection of items. Maybe my mom doesn't want it neither my brother, but i feel like a magpie, feeling the urge to pick shiny things and bring them back at house. I feel it. I think it's the best than keeping running away (even if my mom has tendancies to be harmful to me because of our differences and interpretations of life) from my past. I must come back, give my best, assuming my presence in their lives. I can offer beautiful things. I believe. I can help. But I also can be free to make my own choices (bad or good, they will offer me experiences, knowledge, I will learn about it. But I must risk) I am an adult, yet still a child-hearted. I don't want to change my mother's mentality because I know she wouldn't trust someone younger and destabilise her build up confidence, so all I can do is to accept and elevate minds, being credible enough to speak about truth and about what I know the best. _________ I feel so happy yet so lost and sad, why shouldn't i jump under a train very soon ? my cursor being a gnome
i can't stop laughing ____ 24.12.24 11:24 listened to lifelover all night ____ Anyone's up for a cutter fight in the forest... now ? Watched 1984. So good. So real. Being critique and careful. _____
Back again at this. Eliott Alderson mood....png)
Perceive the positive and the negative (of consequences) ! was my fatal error to one of my exam Also restores concepts in their contexts and eras (knowing history) 22.12.24 9:55 It's winter break. I must study but I prefer to draw and in less than 3 days I made 10 different drawings. (Usually make 3 artpieces a week) ___ bro stop whining i need to aim the top............... Learning from my failures ! ___ Sometimes, you just have to accept how you work. How you are fundamentally built and what are your potentials. Average, half-way, sometimes mid mistake. For some reasons, I feel like i don't have any access to succeed in art or at school. I am always 'not too low, not too high' in any classments. But I think i'm starting to understand. Generally, I am doing things how I interpret them, maybe I don't get how extending logic algorithm functions or how to answer to request. I want to share my art, share my knowledge , being able to explain and synthesised in my mind with my understandings I've learned. I noticed that people with notoriety are becoming too confident and become lazy or end up ruining themselves. Being in the average makes you in the norms of discretion. It makes you a fighter, right ? It makes you constant. There is no luck for people like me. I just work, overwork to reach a personal goal. Nothing more, nothing less. 20.12.24 Today was a lovely day, I woke up at 7:19 and literally had 15min to take a shower, dress up and go to uni for my rhetoric class (friday 8am morning !! last lesson before winter break) then I talked to M who did the eloquence contest (I haven't written anything about it yet ? It was a challenge done by our teacher to present a discourse based on a fictional or real character. Only 7 participants and I chose to write and speak about Marla Singer from the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. I found interview videos about the author and he is actually a very odd and good rhetorician! We have to write a praise and a blame and present one of them. So I did it, shaking and sweating, and i had to talk in a huge microphone I was stressed and had struggle to read my text lol the jury said critiques to help us to become better and they said I look like not very in ease in my body AND THAT'S TRUE. Anyways, good experience and so I met that friend, M-) and studied chinese linguistics. We talked about calligraphy, origin of handwriting in Asia and Europe. Did you know that the vertical sinograms is a cause of the support ? The writers used to write on bamboo and the fibers where this side so it was logically easier to write this side. Also they read from right to left, and thats why the original side of manga, for the europe culture is inverted. Also in cursive italian lettering, the writer focus on the golden number to find perfect shape of harmony. Some cool informations about writing. Then my friend I arrived and we went to drink coffee (pumpkin latte 🫖) and eat pancakes 🥞!! It was such a lovely day. 18.12.24 00:46What the fuck is going on. My neighbour knocks at my door (I recently had a dispute with her because she asked me to remove my "shits" from the letterbox and she lied to me saying that she hasn't throw my letters when she did. And also my plants...) to ask me if I want to come with her and her bf partying (they're 20+ years older). But I have exams, I was in my ugly winter pyjamas and SHE WAS DRUNK af. The only one person I want to see is Ago 18.12.24 23:59Just in FRONT of my window, I heard people yelling and seem to be violent in the voice so I slided to see and I saw two cops arresting a guy who was already on the ground, one of the cop hits the head with his knee and i was so in shock, so I opened the window and ask " what is happening ? ", the guy who heard me said out loud " help me help me " (but don't have context, I can't help criminal in fact, i don't know him) so when the second van of police arrived that I just said out loud "I saw one of the cop hitting the guy's head with his knee " and closed my window. That's all, I am not a savior. But I just can't stay still when I see violence and injustice. Try to act wise and with caution, with prudent wisdom, with all your legitimicy you can inform with exactitude what you saw. No adverbs, no preferences. No exageration - it's the bet way to have a objective / neutral control and verification on your acts. - Denouncing cops, authority or any other kind of dominance's violence and abuse is a right. In my country, the white man privilege is a PROBLEM because it classifies people and create UNBALANCED INJUSTICES between humans. But also hegemony (=is in common parlance an unchallenged domination.) and repression (=voluntary rejection. Action of repressing an act deemed harmful at a given time and in a given society, set of measures taken for this purpose.)This is not humanity. This causes death. Another one problematic is the "ACAB" concept. It means "All cops are bastards" in manifestation against dominance by authorities. The ideology surely is linked with injustice and the idea of counter repression and social stratification but it talks about violence. You can not have a peaceful result if you let the hate and anger rule the world. The expression has nonsense other than low insult and even has a racial connotation. So i don't get it... Been thinking about this a lot.
18.12.24 18:11Today with Anon, we went to repare my glasses because i blind. Then we went to Schleiper to buy some furnitures !! And books ! Then we went to a bakery and I ate the best pastry i ever ate in MY LIFE, for real it was the best thing ever omfg it has a 8 shape and a pudding heart taste like WTF it was so good i cry
17.12.24 22:29 Dropped some things to sell spontaneously on my instagram story I've been digging in 16colo.rs archives and found so much cool stuffs. (thoughts...) We all deserve to be loved noticed, respected. Happy, protected, peaceful. Curling under blanket. Softness Stop running after things you can't have 16.13.24 00:08 Being nostalgic, thinking about スウィートプール visual novel (Sweet Pool) The sountracks are so good... Truly make me feel something odd, melancholic, close and so distant from a time I can not and will never catch again somehow. But the thing is I truly lived through it for a time, the history will always be a part of me. It engraved something in my mind, something personal, important. I also feel something when I watch Kyoto Animation animes, recently I've been watching Tsurune for no particuliar other reason that I adore and love the colours and animation of this studio, and surprisely adored and related with Seiya, this character truly has something common with my personnality and it's interesting to watching how someone introvert and serious deals in a group of teammates...
Back to Diving Deep and fade from SP, I'm feeling blue. My sleeping schedule has been weird lately. I actually do many naps. I feel blue. Lonely. Melancholic. Someone said that sleeping a lot is good for the skin and the mood. Lack of sleep. Oversleep. My rhythm isn't good. Yell me to sleep !! 15.13.24 1:35 Took a nap when I arrived home and woke up at 22:35, hungry. Ate vietnamese flat rice noodles and an apple watching Tsurune (because literally bring me the sunlight I need)
15.13.24 19:32 Someone said I was charismatic but I honestly really want to be that person (totally opposite look) Also, alcool hits hard, I am sleepy in the tram. 15.12.24 14:32 Decided to go out to see a friend, but they are late so I have to wait 50min at the station. People in the capital are desperate, they have diseases, ask for help, they calls you out every meter to ask you for a cig or money. Hopefully I dressed all black so I don't have interpellations about my outfit or whatever (because when I dress in egl and wander out, people just stare, or comment about your fit or even follow you)... I am anxious that I can't decide where I can go to hide myself. So I visited my old friend who has an antique shop near that old church. He is an old person, but he happily recognise me ! Then I came back to the station to find my friend, she arrived and we walked and talked and wandered in the Christmas market, we drank warm wine. It was lovely. Our discussions always are fruitful, she said something about "la lumière intérieure" and "l'âme". We always have interesting spiritual exchanges. I offered the golden book about Taoist thoughts and she surprised me offering a calligraphy box with old nibs. How lovely she is... We also chatted about our relationships and how unique is a human being, inevitably separate and individual in this society. 14.12.24 19:49 Ended up curling up in my bed and being unstoppablely comfy 14.12.24 13:54 Saturday, exercised on piano. Studying History of art. This month will be a calm moment, because exams are arriving soon (in January) and I must focus. I love studying, learning, taking break, and styding again. Today, I studied the Wisigoths (Spain), Lombards (Italy), Foyer Irlandais (Irland) and Francs (France) cultures. My notes are on uni page. 13.12.24 17:37 Happy 13/12 ! Today, I bought socks.
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