Winter - Quiet - Serenity

bruhh


31.12.24 15:42 Last day of the year. it went so fast feeewww... I used to make a list of serious things that i succeed or regret but this time my intropsection will be mental. I'm having a date tonight. Looking for being very vyre drunk and losing myself in anyone's sheet. I need warmth. I need to be loved. I need to be disrespected and deshumanised sometimes. I need someone who will push me against a wall and scalp my skin to blood. I need it i need it. My ideals are high, i hope to be fulfilled (there's nothing sane about these thoughts)



VLG OGZEOQZOEJGQOEZGJ

This winter is calm and cold COLD



29.12.24 21:58
Was thinking about M today. 1)mejibray 2)mr robot 3)my ex-partners
Started Tsurune season two and i am very hyped !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28.12.24 21:21
Finished Clannad. Finished Tsurune.

My life is full of colours again

__
Cleaned the windows. Feel pure.

28.12.24 14:13Got a pretty depressed time lately but right now there is a big sun ☀️ ! I catched a cold, there is no heat in my house and I feel anxious about me coming back to my mother's house because of my relationships failures. She talked to me about independancy and that I shouldn't depend on anyone. sighs. I have reminescences of the hopes a person i met in my artclass then traveled far away (we started discussing almost every day online), they were supposed to come back in the capital and live with me but... They prefered to make their own choices and live by their own. I struggle paying rent, and maybe it pushed me under pressure to find a roomate for that. I feel numb, I feel bad for becoming like this. But i found a solution, studying give me opportunity to earn a little but of money to stay in this appartement. Right now there is sun. I feel relieved to be alone, no one can influence my mood, i do whatever i want whenever i want but... I know, this is not sane. And the better for me and my family is to come back soon. With all my craps, my collection of items. Maybe my mom doesn't want it neither my brother, but i feel like a magpie, feeling the urge to pick shiny things and bring them back at house. I feel it. I think it's the best than keeping running away (even if my mom has tendancies to be harmful to me because of our differences and interpretations of life) from my past. I must come back, give my best, assuming my presence in their lives. I can offer beautiful things. I believe. I can help. But I also can be free to make my own choices (bad or good, they will offer me experiences, knowledge, I will learn about it. But I must risk) I am an adult, yet still a child-hearted. I don't want to change my mother's mentality because I know she wouldn't trust someone younger and destabilise her build up confidence, so all I can do is to accept and elevate minds, being credible enough to speak about truth and about what I know the best.

_________

I feel so happy yet so lost and sad, why shouldn't i jump under a train very soon ?

my cursor being a gnome

i can't stop laughing

____
24.12.24 11:24 listened to lifelover all night
____

Anyone's up for a cutter fight in the forest... now ?

Watched 1984. So good. So real. Being critique and careful.
_____
Mr. Robot : Dom & Darlene (might spoil)



Back again at this. Eliott Alderson mood...



Perceive the positive and the negative (of consequences) !
was my fatal error to one of my exam

Also restores concepts in their contexts and eras (knowing history)

22.12.24 9:55 It's winter break. I must study but I prefer to draw and in less than 3 days I made 10 different drawings. (Usually make 3 artpieces a week)

___

bro stop whining i need to aim the top...............
Learning from my failures !
___
Sometimes, you just have to accept how you work. How you are fundamentally built and what are your potentials.

Average, half-way, sometimes mid mistake.
For some reasons, I feel like i don't have any access to succeed in art or at school. I am always 'not too low, not too high' in any classments. But I think i'm starting to understand. Generally, I am doing things how I interpret them, maybe I don't get how extending logic algorithm functions or how to answer to request. I want to share my art, share my knowledge , being able to explain and synthesised in my mind with my understandings I've learned. I noticed that people with notoriety are becoming too confident and become lazy or end up ruining themselves. Being in the average makes you in the norms of discretion. It makes you a fighter, right ? It makes you constant. There is no luck for people like me. I just work, overwork to reach a personal goal. Nothing more, nothing less.

20.12.24 Today was a lovely day, I woke up at 7:19 and literally had 15min to take a shower, dress up and go to uni for my rhetoric class (friday 8am morning !! last lesson before winter break) then I talked to M who did the eloquence contest (I haven't written anything about it yet ? It was a challenge done by our teacher to present a discourse based on a fictional or real character. Only 7 participants and I chose to write and speak about Marla Singer from the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. I found interview videos about the author and he is actually a very odd and good rhetorician! We have to write a praise and a blame and present one of them. So I did it, shaking and sweating, and i had to talk in a huge microphone I was stressed and had struggle to read my text lol the jury said critiques to help us to become better and they said I look like not very in ease in my body AND THAT'S TRUE. Anyways, good experience and so I met that friend, M-) and studied chinese linguistics. We talked about calligraphy, origin of handwriting in Asia and Europe. Did you know that the vertical sinograms is a cause of the support ? The writers used to write on bamboo and the fibers where this side so it was logically easier to write this side. Also they read from right to left, and thats why the original side of manga, for the europe culture is inverted. Also in cursive italian lettering, the writer focus on the golden number to find perfect shape of harmony.
Some cool informations about writing.

Then my friend I arrived and we went to drink coffee (pumpkin latte 🫖) and eat pancakes 🥞!! It was such a lovely day. 

18.12.24 00:46What the fuck is going on. My neighbour knocks at my door (I recently had a dispute with her because she asked me to remove my "shits" from the letterbox and she lied to me saying that she hasn't throw my letters when she did. And also my plants...) to ask me if I want to come with her and her bf partying (they're 20+ years older). But I have exams, I was in my ugly winter pyjamas and SHE WAS DRUNK af.
The only one person I want to see is Ago
18.12.24 23:59Just in FRONT of my window, I heard people yelling and seem to be violent in the voice so I slided to see and I saw two cops arresting a guy who was already on the ground, one of the cop hits the head with his knee and i was so in shock, so I opened the window and ask " what is happening ? ", the guy who heard me said out loud " help me help me " (but don't have context, I can't help criminal in fact, i don't know him) so when the second van of police arrived that I just said out loud "I saw one of the cop hitting the guy's head with his knee " and closed my window. That's all, I am not a savior. But I just can't stay still when I see violence and injustice. 
Try to act wise and with caution, with prudent wisdom, with all your legitimicy you can inform with exactitude what you saw. No adverbs, no preferences. No exageration - it's the bet way to have a objective / neutral control and verification on your acts. - Denouncing cops, authority or any other kind of dominance's violence and abuse is a right. In my country, the white man privilege is a PROBLEM because it classifies people and create UNBALANCED INJUSTICES between humans. But also hegemony (=is in common parlance an unchallenged domination.) and repression (=voluntary rejection. Action of repressing an act deemed harmful at a given time and in a given society, set of measures taken for this purpose.)This is not humanity. This causes death.
Another one problematic is the "ACAB" concept. It means "All cops are bastards" in manifestation against dominance by authorities. The ideology surely is linked with injustice and the idea of counter repression and social stratification but it talks about violence. You can not have a peaceful result if you let the hate and anger rule the world. The expression has nonsense other than low insult and even has a racial connotation. So i don't get it...

Been thinking about this a lot.

18.12.24 18:11Today with Anon, we went to repare my glasses because i blind. Then we went to Schleiper to buy some furnitures !! And books ! Then we went to a bakery and I ate the best pastry i ever ate in MY LIFE, for real it was the best thing ever omfg it has a 8 shape and a pudding heart taste like WTF it was so good i cry

17.12.24 22:29 Dropped some things to sell spontaneously on my instagram story
I've been digging in 16colo.rs archives and found so much cool stuffs.

(thoughts...)
We all deserve to be loved  noticed, respected. Happy, protected, peaceful.
Curling under blanket. Softness
Stop running after things you can't have
16.13.24 00:08 Being nostalgic, thinking about スウィートプール visual novel (Sweet Pool)  The sountracks are so good... Truly make me feel something odd, melancholic, close and so distant from a time I can not and will never catch again somehow. But the thing is I truly lived through it for a time, the history will always be a part of me. It engraved something in my mind, something personal, important.
I also feel something when I watch Kyoto Animation animes, recently I've been watching Tsurune for no particuliar other reason that I adore and love the colours and animation of this studio, and surprisely adored and related with Seiya, this character truly has something common with my personnality and it's interesting to watching how someone introvert and serious deals in a group of teammates... 

Back to Diving Deep and fade from SP, I'm feeling blue.
My sleeping schedule has been weird lately. I actually do many naps. I feel blue. Lonely. Melancholic.
Someone said that sleeping a lot is good for the skin and the mood.
Lack of sleep. Oversleep. My rhythm isn't good. Yell me to sleep !!
15.13.24 1:35 Took a nap when I arrived home and woke up at 22:35, hungry. Ate vietnamese flat rice noodles and an apple watching Tsurune (because literally bring me the sunlight I need)

15.13.24 19:32 Someone said I was charismatic but I honestly really want to be that person (totally opposite look)
Also, alcool hits hard, I am sleepy in the tram. 
15.12.24 14:32 Decided to go out to see a friend, but they are late so I have to wait 50min at the station. People in the capital are desperate, they have diseases, ask for help, they calls you out every meter to ask you for a cig or money. Hopefully I dressed all black so I don't have interpellations about my outfit or whatever (because when I dress in egl and wander out, people just stare, or comment about your fit or even follow you)... I am anxious that I can't decide where I can go to hide myself. So I visited my old friend who has an antique shop near that old church. He is an old person, but he happily recognise me ! Then I came back to the station to find my friend, she arrived and we walked and talked and wandered in the Christmas market, we drank warm wine. It was lovely. Our discussions always are fruitful, she said something about "la lumière intérieure" and "l'âme". We always have interesting spiritual exchanges. I offered the golden book about Taoist thoughts and she surprised me offering a calligraphy box with old nibs. How lovely she is... We also chatted about our relationships and how unique is a human being, inevitably separate and individual in this society. 
14.12.24 19:49 Ended up curling up in my bed and being unstoppablely comfy
14.12.24 13:54 Saturday, exercised on piano. Studying History of art. This month will be a calm moment, because exams are arriving soon (in January) and I must focus. I love studying, learning, taking break, and styding again. Today, I studied the Wisigoths (Spain), Lombards (Italy), Foyer Irlandais (Irland) and Francs (France) cultures. My notes are on uni page.
13.12.24 17:37 Happy 13/12 ! Today, I bought socks.

mood :