diary ~

Hi there ! [11.23 - 22:38]
We are arriving in the cold season, 
it's time to make soup, lighting 
some candles, 
burning incense, wearing cute 
scarfs ! 

I wrote a good little letter
and made a drawing to display
in the corridor for my
neighborhood to wish
them happy holidays :3

Yesterday at work, 
a little old asian woman looking 
bought 2 very tiny plants that 
truly needed to take care of, 
she modestly take them and 
i thought it was very 
kind hearted,sincere and beautiful.🌼

Since i started to work, I always wake
up early in the morning !
It gives me so much time to do 
activities in the daylight !

    ~*~
Enjoying life is also about
to care about yourself,
your past, your present
and your future.
Positivity is also about
to accept negativity, 
to be aware of both,
energies and alternatives.

    ~*~
Believing in a better world.

    ~*~
    
I am working every Friday and Saturday until Christmas. 
Today, a new coworker show up, and she is approximately 
everything I want to be !
I love working, i love meeting new people, I even love 
struggling with customers and improve the next time I have the chance to. 
I am feeling I am improving in my "professional profile", in a sweet way.

    ~*~
" Une fille sans histoire "
Today is the end of the first world war. 
After my work on a Saturday, I walked and heard the sound of the bells.
There was an artist market near the Grandplace of the capital 
and some old people selling jewelries, paintings, candles. 
In the metro, somemone was playing accordion, 
an old man I used to see everyday was selling books and in front, 
there was a old woman selling roses with candles. 
Their goods were free price and I told myself I will 
bring books and food for them next time.

The fact that today is the end of the war, people and workers have their day off. 
Many stores and boutiques are open, selling and making so much money, 
and some people are just starving in the streets, 
trying to sell their own goods ; somehow it broke my heart.

People live and people are surviving. 
In French we say : vivre et survivre.
We have every-thing, and some people have no-thing. 
How unfair life is ? No body can choose their destiny, 
or circumstances of life.
Helping people cost nothing.
Help them.

    
    ~*~
  
My social battery is very low lately.
I'm feeling guilty for saying to people I need time, 
but also for saying them I want to see them.
Most of my close frienships are kind-hearted people.

    ~*~

Rewatched Doukyuusei, listening at the guitar soundtracks. 
Give me chills. Beautiful.
I discovered - blanc - by Asumiko Nakamura. 
It's the continuation of the film and the story of Sajou Rihito and Kusakabe Hikaru. 
Learning the piano partition of a soundtrack melody.
My love for them is immeasurable. Both having different energies, seeing them growing... 
Remind me of how I live the life and feel it in my hands.

    ~*~

Day off on a busy rainy Monday.
Woke up in the morning, drink a tea, watching by the window : 
the dull painting of an end of autumnal landscape.
It feels good to stay at home.

    ~*~
My manager told me I was slow there are many reasons why :

- I need time of reflexion whenever something is happening around me
- I have a very low unclear voice and I have been struggling by expressing myself
- I physically doesn't feel right, and feeling proportionally wrong

These causes doesnt excuse my attitudes, but they are a part of me and I am working on it.
Working faster can make you lose the particular attention of making it, 
even if at the moment I am working in retail in a (pretty big) decoration store. 
The energy is supposed to be healthy and positive, and no ones should be pressured by the manager's stress.

~*~

A friend of mine is a teacher and they have a very well speech rate, 
a clear eloquence and logical and coherent paths of ideas. 
I admire their quality and asked them how they  actually work 
and they responded me that when they explain something 
they have a " mental map " of what they want to say.

~*~

It often happens that I forget to tell people subjects I wanted to share with them. 
Or just telling them that I appreciate their company, their hard work,  themselves. 
Should I take the time to lay some words on paper to explain the truth ... 
Or should I keep the feeling unsaid and muted ?

~*~

Sometimes I tell myself wrong things

~*~

You know, at the end of the year you learned so much things. 
About everything, about people, history/references (able to link things), 
about yourself and how the world is working. Also I've spend a lovely end of year time.
Honestly, I was feeling gloomy with the winter, but 1) I received a nice cup from work
2) i learned how to bake cake and bread 3) I am spending soft time alone and enjoy that.
Of course, I am still stuggling a lot but so much hope is on the way !
I am going to travel soon, with my girlfriend. I AM SO EXCITED.
7pmbf loves perfume... I want to buy him an Invictus bottle. 
Or Tobacco Vanilla from Tom Ford.
But keep it as a secret ! It's between you and me.

~*~

I dreamt of a blue bird. I knew it was there. Waiting to be seen, waiting to be saved.
The bird has an impressive shape, and beautiful feathers, 
it looks kind of lost. 
I wish I could help it, to let it to trust me 
but i was with other people and in a car (?)

~*~
Had an awesome day.
MY cheeks are so enormous since I am eating SO MUCH and smiling so much too.
I am full of happiness ~

~*~

My sibling is the best person on the earth, 
I truly miss them and the time we had when we were younger.

~*~

I'm currently reading Circé. The book is written by Madeline Miller, the same author of " The Song of Achilles".
How to explain the charm of the simple storytelling of the god of Sun Helios' daughter ? The little girl who learns to appreciate loneliness, her loneliness.
She is what we commonly named a "witch", but she has her reasons : from the beginning nobody trust her, she is the third of four siblings and despite herself she saw and live awful things. The scene with Prometheus. Her father's wrath. She find comfort in the deepness of the forest, in the reflect of water, in details of nature that have been left behind. She is a dreamer, a magician. She find solutions, she practises, she observes. She is what we become when we are left apart, not even rejected because we were the ones who were disconnected from the reality, the active world of uselessness. We sing because our voice is our shame.  And no one truly listen. (more soon)

~*~

Now, if you don't understand what to believe in anymore
Then believe in me; I'll have your back, so let's sleep

Now, if you don't know where to go
Then I'll stop too and listen to the cries of your heart

In this peace filled with lies and emptiness
There's nowhere to find something certain to share

Raise your voice and shout out
Because I'm sure I'll find your figure
Everyone here faces a lonely tomorrow
Together, we confront it as warriors

Now, if you feel like you want to abandon your current self
Then believe in me; you can still keep walking

Forget the invisible scars and moisten your throat
Without realizing the changing gradation

Raise your voice and shout, let it be heard
Even against the unceasing headwind
Everyone here survives an uneasy tomorrow
Together, as resilient warriors

Raise your voice and shout out
Because I'm sure I'll find your figure
Everyone here faces a lonely tomorrow
Together, we confront it as warriors
Let that be your proof, resounding loudly

(Signal, Exist†Trace)

~*~

Whether you're always passionate about it, or you've never seen it yet...
Gender and age do not matter, in a free place
I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Keep your life burning and move on (omi)

~*~

The overload and fast informations in our actual world truly act on the faculty of the focusing of the brain.
Social medias are evolving to something insane.More and more people consumate it, technology is an incredible thing i do agree.
But having messages to answer, notifications, and comments on everything is a real source of stress.
It was feeling fun when I was younger to have access to communication, it was like having friends near you, always. Now I grew up and see it more as a tool.
The fun is gone when it started becoming a hyperfixation and stressful place. It ruined me, my fun, my friends, my way to communicate, my motivations. But in a way it also overstimulated it and make me go to place, travel and discovered new interests. The meetings aren't hasardious anymore. We choose who we want to follow. That feeling seems weird, pushed, when you think about artists in the past when they had to actually vocalize sentences to express their values, defend their art. Are we losing abilities to communicate in a way ?

~*~

Will people still remain about me if i disappear ?

~*~

I have applied for the most cute job ever,
A bakery. 
My bro had a job and used to sell bread every Sunday,
My mom also had a job in a bakery. This thought had been a divine job for me. Something i must reach. Something i must try.
I wrote a complete and lovely letter to apply to this place "Les Tartes de Françoise". 
Since my last job contract ended, I have no money for anything. And i must find a way to own my life.
Cheer up ! I can do it !

~*~

My lovely friend work in a perfume atelier and offered me a lovely oil that emanated lavender and mandarine fragrance. How cute !!! is !!! that !!!
She is my very beloved friend, i am so happy to know her. Seeing her growing, years by years, findind her place in the world. 
I am so proud of her. She is a little nymph, a real healer.
My friends make me so happy. For real. But she is so special to me.

~*s~

I woke up worried. Somehow, I felt like were missing, something were wrong.
In my life, in the world in general.
It it 6AM here, we are still in cold season.
Something is missing.

Vivarism's blog truly make me feel concerned for some reasons.
The fact it touched me directly in the heart.

~*~

It's 6AM right now, and i felt like the urge to write here.
Blogging has been a real calm place to think and develop in texts and words, our minds.
I adore the idea to not being seen, or read in the reality. We share only a little part of ourselves to the outside world.
This is my little secret garden... My treasured little diary.
The fact is it possible to share some thoughts early this morning, keep me awake and give me time to succeed my tasks later on the day.
Someone said, it is incredible to get up at 5am.

~*~

mental map guide

Who were you (past) ?
Who are you (present) ?
Who will you be (future)?

Taking notes of these conditions, to remember life.

~*~

Take offrands to offer to people when you go out ! And try to offer some to them to see them smile.

~*~

Something terrible happened HA
madr myself a bento and the smell was terrible, REALLY
Actually at uni, and the others people around prolly saw me and I feel very ashamed 
Wish my 7pmbf was here...


~*~
NVC - non violent communication keys

Develop Your Emotional Vocabulary : Improve your ability
to clearly express your feelings and needs. Your expanded
emotional vocabulary will help you avoid making moralistic
judgments, blaming others for your feelings, and using other
strategies that often contribute to conflicts. Teach your children
these skills to empower them to resolve their conflicts peacefully.
• Stay Connected to Your Feelings and Needs : Prevent and
reduce conflicts by learning to stay connected to your feelings
and needs through self-empathy. Increase satisfying
outcomes from emotionally charged situations by entering them
from a place of calm and compassion, rather than defensiveness
or anger.
• Break Negative, Habitual Pattern : Overcome habitual
patterns that often lead to conflict. Transform thinking
patterns like moralistic judgments, blame, criticism, shoulds and
“have-tos” that can lead to anger, depression, guilt or shame.
• Hear the Needs Behind All Behavior : Diminish anger, violence
and conflict by connecting to the needs behind whatever anyone
does or says.
• Get to the Heart of Conflict Quickly: Defuse heated situations before they lead to behavior you’ll regret. Use empathy to
let others know they are really heard—which is often all that is
needed to transform conflict into powerful connection.

in practise : 4 components
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests

~*~

"La timidité ne mène à rien."

Shyness can hinder social interaction and communication. It may prevent individuals from expressing themselves fully or from engaging comfortably in social situations, which can lead to missed opportunities for connection, networking, and personal growth. It might restrict individuals from expressing their thoughts, ideas, or feelings openly. This limitation could prevent them from sharing their talents, opinions, or aspirations effectively, potentially inhibiting personal and professional development. Persistent shyness can contribute to low self-confidence and self-esteem. When individuals consistently feel uncomfortable or anxious in social situations, it may reinforce negative self-perceptions and limit their belief in their abilities to interact with others or achieve their goals. In many professional and personal contexts, assertiveness, communication skills, and networking abilities are highly valued. Shyness may act as a barrier to these skills' development, potentially impacting career advancement, social relationships, and overall satisfaction in life.

However, it's essential to recognize that shyness is a natural personality trait for many individuals, and it's not inherently negative. Some people may feel more comfortable with quieter, more reflective approaches to social interaction, and that's perfectly valid. The key is finding a balance that allows individuals to navigate social situations comfortably while also feeling confident and empowered to express themselves authentically.

~*~

When I am outside and walk,
I often think of G. Sand (writer) and Omi (Exist Trace)
Cheering my day up !

~*~

Bought a thyme plant for a friend who is sick and also some honey. May the angels protect health of hard worker 🍀
Feeling nice to wander to their place after a little flea market stroll.


~*~

Be kind with people, always
Respect their struggles, their differences 
Be patient
You have no idea what they have been through and you only can observe a little percentage of their inner soul for a very short moment of their life.
You will never see the full potential of someone, so please consider people, as your equal

~*~

"The little girl I was, sometimes loved glitter, sometimes hated them. But now I grasp the reason behind the love and the hate. I appreciate the attitude of excessive girliness because I understand a provocative intention that ironically ressemble punk attitude. Refusing to be invisible. Refusing to pretend to fit the standards of imperial “high culture”. Loud and shameless." (em)

~*~

Oh hi there 
Today is so rainy for a first day of job ! I love rain, it calms people... I have to walk a little bit to the school where I work. I am a little bit scared but I am here to experience !

Social medias are flooded with anger about politics, wars, personal attacks. It makes me so mad. Why people can just be quiet, comprehensive, accept things how they are, stop misinforming each others ? I don't get it, the urge to expose their point of view loudly and spam about how the world is collapsing. Also maybe that's because I know people who think they can fight the world.

Back to school. I woke up before my alarm and I am drowning in the nice feeling of being calm, alone, and loved by myself. People at work count on me and I count of them. There is no feelings more than helping and that's good.

~*~

Thinking of Anaïs Nin, make my mind floating
It makes my mind feel like it's elevate itself in highness no one could reach or understand

~*~

Women writers are precious !

~*~

important orator :
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (2020), BRUT


~*~

I will be sipping lavender tea and eating pomegranate tonight~

~*~


Allow yourself to smile.

 

See the positive as much as the negative.

        

words I like :

enthusiast
idea
revelation
philtatos
mandarine
volonté
intuition
compromis / équilibre 
progression
authenticity
together
clear-headed
encouraged
indulgent