"A long time ago, a child who told me that he liked me said that he hated me, and it made me very sad.

When you deny yourself, you deny the people who say they like you

So after that, let's not be so self-denying... That's what I thought.

Lately, I feel like I've only been able to see the parts of myself that I hate.
Weakness, ugliness.

In order to live so as not to make waves,
Sometimes I deceive myself and push myself to death.

But
The fear of exposing your true self and the pain of suppressing it,
It always exists in me in contradiction." - Omi, Exist Trace.


___ 

To obtain the soul from a signed contract
I blend into the city tonight, seeking prey
Honoring this exuberant treasure
Now it's not the same ornaments for me

The art of connecting even while biting
In this world where we don't say who is who
Gasping in solitude

Love is such an unforgivable thing
Witness to thousands of deaths
The life I love to lead
Laughing like the devil

To obtain the soul of her exposed neck
You and I want to live in this world forever

The lifestyle of immorality
It's an abomination to be hunted
You won't let yourself be

Love makes you go back
But you betrayed me
My dry body keeps trembling
You want an innocent

An overflowing passion
The enticing scent suffocates you
I still let it resonate in my throat, searching
Carve out your solitude

Love is such an unforgivable thing
Witness to thousands of deaths
The life I love to lead
Laughing like the devil

Because you love me, you bare your fangs
The spiral of solitude is lowered
Please bite into life with full force
Please hate me.

(Keiyaku - Exist†Trace)

___
      
  The sadness on the face
will probably be gone tomorrow
When did my eyes
started to die?
What awaits me tomorrow
while I sing and live without meaning?
Alone in my room
while my heart beats wildly

Rocked from side to side. Where would you go ?
I put my hand on the heavy, closed door
The remains of the parade
Silence laughs with the fact that
I won't sleep again tonight
Always emptier than any comedy tears
Left to be just taken
Left to just be damaged
Here, let there be love...
The joke dance raises infinite evil
Left to be just taken
Left to just be damaged

I'm dependent on fate
I'm alone and I dwell on this fate

The incessant rain, the persistent noise,
the constant scar, the perpetual love,
the continual song... 

_______

They just felt so alone in their condition
People feel less isolated when they learn about other people that share their struggles
And that should speak for itself
because it should be considered worse to have to hide something
that you shouldn't need to hide
And how are you helping anyone by not talking about this you're just increasing the divide

_______

Getting a better understanding

_______

Life lover aims to bring some light, lay the shadow of the mind hide in our sleep

_

Cry, baby boy, your cupboards bare
With vapour trails across the sky
Said will you, won't you?
Never be mine

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
You should've known
You should've guessed

A row of pearls beneath your skin
Cry surface tension, I dive in
My darling boy you need to know
Migration claws this tethered soul

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
You should've known
You should've guessed
You might also like
Silent Night
Christmas Songs
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Christmas Songs
O Holy Night
Christmas Songs
[Bridge]
This brokеn bird lost in the snow
Migration claws this tetherеd soul
And no one calls cause no one knows
My darling boy, I have to go

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
I stood the time
I stood the test

You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed


You should've (- KJG, For you I hold my breath)

___

Je sens une vie qui ne peut pas être sauvée
救えるはずもない命を感じ

S'il te plaît, vis une belle vie juste pour le moment
今だけでもいい生きてください

Plus profond que la mer profonde qu'on ne peut plus voir
もう見えない深海よりもより深く

Tu dors si profondément, profondément, d'un bleu profond
そう深く深く深く眠る君 deep blue

blessé avant de le savoir
いつの間にか傷付く

Le jour où je me suis trop habitué aux choses,
事に慣れすぎた日び 

En cette saison où l'hiver dort
冬が眠るあの季節には

Je vais t'apporter un bouquet de fleurs.
花束を添えにゆくから


(Higeki wa Mabuta wo Oroshita Yasashiki Utsu, dir en grey)



Tomorrow continues without stopping, leaving only pain, and another day ends
Even if the present blue flows into an ambiguous tomorrow, staying blue
Synchronicity, guided by the present that will someday be born

SCREW, KAIROS



born - with hate

last obsessed with :
observer, Laura Flook, Katie Jane Garside, Asumiko Nakamura, Kim Carlsson scarring, blades, scapula, udon, needles, red velvet, claws & fangs, being alone, walking in the forest, making offrands, smoking lavender, feathers, moss, rocks, orange and red leaves, sleeping trees, Nitro+chiral, Guilty pleasure, the shipwreck of Andelana, Nheira / KhaosKai, bodhisattva, crypt perfume, lasagnas, greek gods, black metal veins, exist trace, spacked out 2000, Lamento beyond the void, metaneeds, Kaoru croo (diru),this GACKT X Kaoru ff, Reita's death, listening music very very loudly, screaming in the forest, hitting my fists against wall, Portrayal of Guilt lyrics, calligraffiti, soulbox, killing-machine, vinnie's art, long jacket, Die (dir en grey), Withering to death album (DeG), DIM album (the GazettE), bloodcount, MADK, vk & j-rock, this cute page i must send to 7amgf, my neighbor who drives that moto, damaged people, Ruby, metaltrap, Anaïs Nin diary, journaling, uni, learning, script, suicide notes, 7amgf, waking up and going to sleep, sieg bogwitch, acid chlorydric on glass

AUGH *sigh* vent

I FOUND A 1999 DIR EN GREY GOOD CONCERT 
MUST create a page for Nheira.......... my holy superior being....... i need to know him more.

man i am working 3 days in a row wish me good luck good energy good mood
GOD last eve was eUPHORIC AF i am such in a good mood...
ough i am so not jealous I AM BEING SO POSSESSIVE
with my friends and partners
it's like i
really fucking hate people
when they get close to MY CLOSE FRIENSD fr don't dare asking me if i AM OK BECASUE I AM not
clearly it just hurts
fucking hurt lie dogmeat..... eaten
i am feeling like loudly diving into ultraviolence rythm and poetry, writing nothing but vnt, i feel like growling instead of talking, i feel like imagining myelf with them instead of telling them i want to feel their touch
my head and body are detached
i am so tired going to throw up
IT JUST FUCKING KILL ME THAT MY VOICE CAN NOT REACH ANY HEART
THERE'S NO ONE
CAN ANYONE SEE MY POTENTIAL ?
REMOVED an ear piercing that hurts like shithell and it brings back my dreaming time goodnights
boy i am spending so much mony for a gurl what the fuck
i saw the bestfitne of a fiend and they dodged me
oh come on dont chase, attract
i fcking need to offer flowers to my gf. I found a plant also but I always feel ashamed to offer something that LIVES.
man I am going to travel tomorrow and i literally am packing meat chorizo in my suitcase (i am laughing so hard and its 1 fucking AM and i should SLEEP)
OK SO WE WENT TO THAT UTOPIA SECT WATER CURE THING AND IT DRAINED ALL MY ENERGY AND WILL TO GO BACK TO IRL LIFE
and also I FINISHED TO READ THE SONG OF ACHILLES AND IT LEFT A METALLIC BLOOD TASTE ON MY TONGUE.
fuck it i am halfassing all my relationships atm, i am daydreaming immoral, thought i was becoming healthy again then it lasted 6hours max and i just had another bulimia crisis and going to sleep at 5am
no no noes, i wont let myself down like that. I don't go out tmrw so I deserve to take my time, I drew dragons and listened at music, rewrite some quotes and answered some messagds(i really fucking hate that)
I WAS LIKE i will live a healther life and went to sleep at 4am
gods hear me. we did a Dionysos ritual
RRAAAAHHH why garbage collectors won't take my TRASHES i am so pissed of (im a clean guy^)

"A lot of people think self harm is bad but what would happened if you point knife to people everytime you cut yourself ? "

WHAT IS THIS LIFE I HATE THAAAT but i LOVEEE THAAAT being EMPTY AND FULL IN THE SAME TIME
REALLY NEED TO FIND MOTIVATION TO GET OUT THE BED


I COULD EAT TEN LASAGNAS AND 23923895349 TANGERINES 
(wintermood)

JEEZ i hope no one found about here or read my vent because it is very cringi

LACK OF SLEEP LACK OF SLEEP
SLEEP DEPRIVATION

FLOOD

found a damn link to watch Spacked out 2000 on yandex thank you yandex.ru !!!!!

tHE MOMENT I AM NO LONGER A MYSTERY TO YOU ; I AM DEAD

THIRSTY FOR EXIST TRACE,,,
THEY LIVE IN JP ON MAY

finally... started Lamento

rain and forest IS THE VIBE
SPRING SPRING SPRING
gf would love

sometimes i don't get people at all.

really i don't want to do anything right now for anyone
i can not think of cool stuffs atm


i am afraid
i dont wamt to see my corpse change
i dont want to 

my alimentation changed. but i am still so always hungry. my stomac is so acid rn, i am sick
i dont know if i am healing, but i am mentally deteriorating, i want to see myself death or doing awesome changes but in a way i am so scared and my body refuse to move, it hurts it hurts it hurts
I DONT WANT TO BE SAVED
BUT I WANT SOMEONE TO GUIDE ME TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW but i cant because i will puke in 3 2 1

my stomac hurts so much... so fucking much... i will never forget that pain
and i will say NO to over food because i can't 
I've sinned thinking i could but i COULD NOT

did ugly scratches on my skin and left some marks on my cushion in souvenir.

i am so sad.
I was planning to walk outaide a little bit today but couldn't.
i wanted to scream in the forest because it hurts it hurts it hurts so much

i was thinking to call the suicide line today, but couldn't 
i am so weak

if you ever read that, please help me.

____

let me fucking vent to the void
Weather is good, but tiredness is heavy
duh, no pants fits me

___

watching skins 
and cried

___

i need to live fast because
i dont feel like ill last very long

___

smoking too much, not eating enough

___

bday man
everything went alrighty

short part journal :
This day was so busy and calm in the same time
Can not explain why i still do that,
Probably the last time...

About go to quiet irl soon. Still don't get it

Fall from the heights when I saw
Noticed the entertwined hair

From long time ago
Still the same, differently

Same initials, different persons
Sleep deep

Discovering uniqueness of their own
Don't forget

___

Les êtres humains sont chaotiques, de plus en plus dispersés par l'information rapide, dépendants des réseaux ; une survie basée sur les autres et plus en auto-suffisance
Certains qui s'isolent, on leur reproche d'être trop à l'écart,
Ceux qui sont toujours en compagnie sont dépendants, de drogue, d'attention, d'amour

__

throw back toooo cringest moment my ex thought of offering me a gift for my birthday was a good idea. received a PRINT. a fucking print this is so lame sorry hahahahahahahaha
not even signed or anything 
fucking loser i deserve better

aaaaaaah

Snakes & Earrings notes :

"All I wanted was to be part of an underground world where the sun doesn't shine."
"They are a proof of a symbol of my love."
"The constant pain make me irritable and made me wish that everybody would just die."
"I was a person who could see no future for myself, a person who cared about no one." (Lui)
"I couldn't believe how grotesque I was. I guess this is what happens when you lose the will to live."
"I collapsed to the ground and broke down in tears. Screw you. Go to hell, you fuckers. I wish I had a greater vocabulary to fully express the extent of my pain and hatred. But I don't. I'm just pathetic. That's all I am."

future

things I will manage to do when i'll be homeless back in town:

save money
ttt project
participate to a ttt con as an artist (must ask abt booth, furniture. 
must buy black table or spray in black my table yo 
+ invest in cartridges and small support black table !)
print real stickers and business card...

goig to paris belleville to find some beautiful red lampions

snailpaper shiet goods
planting weed
learning to car 
travel (vn, cn, jp)

polishing the window at m's place

plant potatoes, tomatoes, zucc and pumpkin and doing my litle farm life
decorate walls of the house
cleaning
planting roses for mom and gf
having little chickens yo
contact Dam for the bahtroom
repare the ffucking door

.log

07/24
heee how have you been ?
My main activities are actually walking a lot, finding spots to paint walls.
Since we distanced with 7amgf, she is working a lot and spending most of her time reading and I need, sometimes, my solo time.
I think we are still deeply in love, I believe ; we are just living our respective lives.

In my free time, I walk to the station and smoke cigs after cigs. Leaving with headache and ashes behind me; but also, I paint, and it gives me the most incredible, powerful feeling of freedom. Experiencing calligraffiti, and leaving secret and hopeful messages. I believe someone will find me, one day.

~
08/24
You know... sometimes... having the feeling that no one want to stay around you because you're too pessimist. Too negative. Too insane.
It increases the feeling of loneliness, of rejection. But I get it. No one wants to stick around someone sick, or who complains too much. Had bad ideas, suicidal tendancies. Somehow, I feel close to these kind of people. I get it. Their desperation for this world, the need to suffer, to destroy something. I do destroy everything. Relationships, goals, hopes. People, myself.

I was drunk and angry, i went for a walk far away from my home, painting all the walls angrilly with rough lines, no details, insulting my art.
Someone covered one of my piece. Fucking piece of trash, i recognize the tag ; territory, space, the rem. cannot seize
I wrote unholy thing then black out.

__

Someone, days after sent me this message :

"no one can stand you
shut the fuck up
and disappear"

And the worst thing is that, it's probably someone I know. I would say I exactly know who.

~

quel réel intérêt

~

Whatever happened,
My behaviour doesn't attract hate
Maybe I am too weird and odd, could act on impulse, hate a lot but also loving so much
Also I am kind of very slow orator so I have no chance to defend myself in a fight
Should isolate or kms

Got troubles with 7, she is going mad
ringing at my door at night
That eve I got a huge facetat (Saturday)

Wrote her the longest message I could, explaining her everything. My struggles to communicate, my will to destroy my body and health, my desire to change. I love her so much, she is the only thing I have. No one could remplace her ever. I let people go, but I will fight my ass to keep her because reasons are she is too precious to me.
She answered, we are going cultivate our relationship. Almost lost everything

__

Losing everything but weight
_

Going back to art. Practicing ascii art with an ascii software named PabloDraw (16colo.rs artist use it), going to digitalize my entire winter at this point
They are doing roadworks in front of my fucking door. I can not go out, or use public transport because they had the awesome idea to cancel my tram stop. No access. To anyone.
Isolation. Peace.




I quit drug and so my friend Y did too. so fucking proud.
(temporary cause i don't have money atm)

Sometimes I get worried because I can't not find sleep at night, because my physical condition is not good, because I feel like I miss something. In other words, I feel uncomplete, wrong. I want to delete my online existence.

_

UPDATE : boy i got my tickets for HTSR concert i am hyped

_

Music:
Carnival - Ghost Town lyrics fucks with my feelings, i hope people could understand that
but I kinda not assume my music taste publicly i mean i dont want to impose my feelings you know ? Being a quiet type struggle

Also i can say I have pretty much so many shiet music tasted depending of my moods.
Struggle to assume it, but i am always angry, depressed or calm because of the music that rythms my life
i am an oldschooler type also, i listen in my mp4 box i dont own automatic app like spotify everyone use. Winamp is my mp3 software even on my phone
I kind or hate people who listened music too loudly or sing or just make noisr just shut the f up

__


Neutral position always win

__
Obscurum per obscurius
Dire que l'opium fait dormir parce qu'il a une vertu dormitive, c'est expliquer ce concept

Hospesn hostis. Etranger, ennemi

Je pense que jamais je n'arriverai à faire le deuil de ce que j'ai perdu

_

I came to a conclusion that :
There are many people who think highly of themselves to remain worthy of their appearance, without constructing or deconstructing what they fundamentally are themselves;
I am only interested in the genius of people, therefore in their best and their worst, in knowledge and in truth. By this, what I mean is that neither knowledge nor truth can lie, and I trust only in the pure semantics of virtue.
If someone can be conscious of the justice and injustice, it's a win-win. Otherway, it's a goodbye

"Il y a beaucoup de gens qui se prennent de haut à rester digne de leur apparât, sans construire ou déconstruire ce qu'ils sont fondamentalement eux-mêmes ;
Moi, je ne m'intéresse qu'au génie des gens, donc à leur meilleur et leur pire, au savoir et à la vérité. Par là, ce que je veux dire c'est que ni le savoir, ni la vérité ne peuvent mentir, et je ne fait confiance qu'à la sémantique pure de la vertuosité."
___
J'avais croisé le chemin de ce type que je pensais pouvoir aider et rester amis, lors de nos discussions sans but de finalité nous parlions de nos obsesessions et fixettes, et j'ai compris que quand il m'a dit qu'il faisait une fixette "sur cette fille qui l'a bloqué sur les réseaux" que ce type là, n'avait rien de réellement intéressant pour moi ; et puis je me suis rendue compte que quand je parlais d'obsessions je voulais, entre autre, dévoiler une partie sombre de l'esprit sur lequel celui-ci reste bloqué et ce noeud est le ressort d'un nombre de potentiels ensommeillés. Moi aussi je fixe sur des petites choses communes et sans réel intérêt, des habitudes néfastes ou des problèmes non-réglés, en effet. Je voulais peut-être trop creuser dans les secrets et le mal qui les renferme pouvait peut-être juste blesser.
___

aïe PFOUAH


If i can not be beautiful or successful at least i can be smart

can everyone fuck off ? just leave me 

I HATE ABSURDITY
I HATE LIES
I HATE PROXIMITY stay away grrrr

__

Ca m'fait réfléchir tout ça
Même si il y a rien à faire, la situation dans lquelle on s'est mis
La drogue et maladie mentale ça fait des ravages, faut pas se laisser faire
Des gens s'en rendent même plus compte, y a comme un vide qui se crée par le manque, un truc qui saute, un boulon qui manque pour fonctionner correctement
Le manque de savoir, curiosité, d'empathie des gens ; c'est inquiétant
Y a de plus en plus d'adultes qui mentent (28-50 ans) aux jeunes c'est gênant
Faut penser à l'éducation, à élever les apprentis, pas les réduire, les rabaisser, les tuer
Le manque de conscience est désesperant
Faut pas s'étonner en fait que les jeunes veulent se buter
Dans un monde sans espoir, le risque est que l'histoire se répète
Y a des phénomènes, cependant, qu'on appelle discontinuité/rupture qui font sauter la suite logique
Sûrement lié à la physique, ou a la théorie du chaos, des évènements intengibles qui font que la boucle se brise
Qui fera partie de ceux qui font dévier la norme ?
Au final, c'est un peu comme une dégénérescence cellulaire, un cancer

Regarde la ligne du temps, tout s'accélère
Ca te fout pas la pression ?

___

im stu- dying don't contact m for the next three years

nothing interesting here



FC, C. Palahniuk

Parce que là, en cet instant, on sent une vie réduire a plus rien, et pas même rien, au néant. L'oubli total.
Il est facile de pleurer lorsqu'on prend conscience que tout ce que l'on aime nous rejettent ou mourront. Sur une échelle temporelle, le taux de survie des humains retombe à 0.

Je voulais juste dormir. À la manière dont mon visage s'était effondré, on aurait pu croire que j'étais mort.

Je ne donne jamais mon véritable nom.

Cette distance insomniaque de toute chose, on ne peut plus rien toucher et plus rien ne vous touche 

C'était ici la liberté. Perdre tout espoir était la liberté.

J'avais collectionné des étagères pleines de moutardes différentes. Il y avait quatorze parfums différents de sauces de salades sans matière grasse, et sept variétés de câpres.
Je sais, je sais, une maison pleine de condiment et pas de véritable nourriture.

J'ai appelé.
Le téléphone a sonné.
Oh , s'il te plaît, délivre-moi.
Et le téléphone a sonné.
Délivre-moi de cette réalité materielle.
Et le téléphone a sonné et il a répondu.

Puis-je ne jamais être complet
Puie-je ne jamais être satisfait
Puis-je ne jamais être parfait

Délivre-moi, T, de ne jamais être parfait et satisfait.
T et moi, on s'est mis d'accord pour se retrouver dans un bar.
T et moi, nous nous sommes retrouvés et nous avons bu beaucoup de bière.
Et là dans ce bar où personne ne regardait, où personne n'allait se soucier de rien, ivre que j'étais, j'ai demandé à Tyler ce qu'il voulait que je lui fasse.
T a dit : "- Je veux que tu me frappes aussi fort que tu le peux."

J'ai le goût du sang dans la bouche : je suis obligé de me mettre à déglutir.
Je sens les blessures à l'intérieur de ma joue de la pointe de ma langue.
Et je continue d'avaler mon sang.
Mon patron fait la présentation à partir de mon topo et moi je m'occupe du retroprojecteur et donc je suis en retrait sur un coté de la pièce, dans l'obscurité.
Mes lèvres s'engluent de sang, de plus en plus à mesure que j'essaie de lécher l'hémoglobine et lorsque les lumières se rallumeront, je leur dirai "merci d'être venus" de la bouche brillante de sang et le sang en train de s'insinuer dans mes dents.
On peut avaler de l'ordre d'un demi-litre de sang avant d'être malade.

"C'est juste que je ne veux pas mourir sans quelques cicatrices."

Rien n'est statique. Même la Joconde tombe en morceaux.

Mais le fight club ce n'était pas une question de porter bien, de porter beau et de paraître. On y hurle en langues incompréhensibles comme chez les mystiques à l'église et lorsqu'on se réveille le dimanche après-midi, on se sent sauvé.

T. leur raconte que j'avais fait une chute.
Parfois T. est mon porte-parole.
"Je me suis fait cela à moi-même."
Au-dehors, le soleil se levait.

Lorqu'on a inventé le fight club, T et moi, aucun de nos deux ne s'était jamais battu. Lorsqu'on ne s'est jamais battu, on se pose des questions. Sur le fait d'avoir mal, sur ce qu'on est capable de faire face à un autre homme.

Il a parlé d'autodestruction.

À l'époque, ma vie me donnait l'impression d'être trop complète, et peut-être qu'il nous faut tout démolir pour faire quelque chose de mieux de nous-mêmes.

T. débarque au petit déjeuner, des suçons sur tout le cou et la poitrine, et moi, je suis en train de feuilleter un vieux magazine.

Des tas de gens voulait la voir morte, apprend-elle.

"La fille est une ordure, un déchet de l'humanité contagieux, elle n'a pas toute sa tête
Elle n'a aucune foi en elle même, et se fait du soucis qu'à mesure qu'elle vieillira, les options qui se présenteront à elle seront de moins en moins nombreuses."

Colle-moi une arme sur la tempe et repeins le mur avec ma cervelle.

Sa philosophie de vie, est qu'elle peut mourir à tout instant.
La tragédie de sa vie, c'est qu'elle ne meurt pas.

"Les abeilles ouvrières peuvent partir
Même les faux-bourdons peuvent s'envoler
La reine est leur esclave"


J'enlace à plein bras ma corruption malsaine.

Ce n'est qu'après le désastre que nous pouvons ressusciter.
Ce n'est qu'après avoir tout perdu, qu'on est libre de faire ce qu'on veut.

" Un tigre sourit
Un serpent dira qu'il t'aime
Mens, deviens le mal."


L'oeuvre d'un cerveau totalement malade.

P.141

Je n'ai rien. Vous avez tout.

Et j'étais d'humeur à détruire quelque chose de beau.

Je me comporte ces derniers temps de manière pitoyable.


Après les tirs de la police,
Le stupéfiant miracle de la mort.





pretty deceived with myself to always always lose the right opportunity to speak.

___
end of october 


__
__
__

I am not successful in art.
yet
I am still so young (24) and have so much progress to do.

It's not my fault if people are losing interest, I MUST FOCUS on who stays and what I can do for MYSELF !!!
Honetly, I like writing, because I like words. I have a wide interest for people, community, characters.
I want to be respected, admired, loved and supported for what I do, what I can provide. I want to be trusted.

__
j'ai qu'une âme tkt
j'la répare
j'm'enferme

___

happyend

SHIKIRINAOSHI TO SHISAKU - BAKUMAN II 25


____

I am not good at speaking
T'aurai du fermer ta gueule

Parler mal, m'habiller comme ça
Ca me donne un "mauvais genre"
Est-ce que ça veut dire que je me trompe ?
Que je ne suis pas sur la bonne voie ?

__

My mom always thought I drug myself because i was bored
She was kind of right ?