Autumn season

SEPTEMBER

mushies

This year I am going to study at university, learning concepts of writing and communication.
I can not stand in art school anymore because i am too sensible to share my art lol
So I decided to study and join university, something different that I use to do, but I am so motivated !! The only problem is the important roadworks they're doing in my street because it makes difficult to go out and they just cut my transport line ?? So I feel kind of isolated, i think i need isolation this year. (actually don't have the choice-)

A friend told me that people who go to uni become smarter afterward... and so I want to be smart heh!!!!!!!!
Always liked lessons in auditoriums, you just listen. Will draw my little calligraphy and ascii art while learning.
Since I experimented large outside street painting this year, i want to go back to small now because I honestly don't want to be seen !! I just want to isolate a little bit in my studies...
Sometimes I feel like my environment is becoming hostile. Neighbourhood fights, how they started to cut trees in my street, these fucking roadworks, little insects crawling, it makes me sad. My mom makes me sad as well... I need to move from my place as soon as possible. I need change. Next year, in June, I will come back to the countryside.

Sometimes I get worried because I can't not find sleep at night, because my physical condition is not good, because I feel like I miss something. In other words, I feel uncomplete, wrong. I want to delete my online existence. Then I remember it's alright, everyone has their own pace. I will find sleep in the morning, I will work out later. I can wash my clothes when the rain stops. I can enjoy calm morning, afternoon and evening.

Is the rainy September blues giving me this feeling ? Probably. I live in a country where the rain never stops. And I will not ask the stars why, because I know the answer, I got unlucky, being born here. But in a way, I am grateful to be alive.

Tomorrow, when I will get up, I will cook rice with ketchup and an egg. Everything will be alright.

Done my laundry, vacuumed the whole apt, changed my sheets. Month is going to be good. I am going to be courageous !!
Uni is starting soon, and the rain won't stop. I wonder if we will still have sunny moments... We will surely have some. I am about to take a warm shower after my laundry. and wear comfy clothes. Oh, maybe I will take a bath, iam craving so much warm water... Like a hug you know, but something that doesn't require anybody.I discovered Ryû Murakami some years ago, and whenever I read his writings, I feel like making new friends with such big red flags haha. People irl are kind of like this sometimes. These past years I've met so many red flagged people, and I hope to never see them again. In the end we all end up alone, we are even more better like that. I am conscious that it can be harsh, and I don't deny the fact that my whole existence could also be toxic to these people. I am creator, an idealist, a destructor to see beauty in the ruins... I also know that I can be lovely, kind, helpful. A good person in anyways. Believe me or not, I am not a bad person, and people around me can love me and see goodwill in my actions and heart. I am a quiet type, a slow orator, a secret one, you know. I don't really show when people annoys me, but it doesn't mean I forget. As an observer, I study these behaviours, try to understand them. But there are so many differences with the way I am build sometimes that it seems just out of place, and I just have to quit.

There is this artist I've been listening for years in my earphones, a depressed hiphop/rap (rythm & poetry) french guy who will come in my city, and I bought tickets to see him live. His new album called " La Pluie " and it goes right to my brain and heart. It's been almost 10 years I've been listening to Hugo TSR !! Actually it's a little bit personal, I am scared to go alone, so i drop a little message on my socialmedia to maybe gather people who also wants to come ; but then I deleted it because I am scared to be too cringe asking for people to come with me. I will go alone probably, mysterious dressed and with a mask so people can not recognize me. Maybe the bandana Reita was wearing. And I will take my markers with me, and some papers too. I hope to see some friends, or precisely loyal listeners.

Managed to draw a little bit.
I hope to meet cool people at uni !! I am a little bit stressed since it's been years I haven't sit on a school bench. I started working early after my unsuccessful years in art school and because covid. So I really want to meet up nice people there.
I must motivate myself too to sleep and being healthy. Watching K-on tonight.

I think my life organisation is following a logic line that actually suits my reality. Decisions, registering... Everything was done completely like it should. I need changements, to deconstruct my habits. and poof they will. I will change and grow up.

okeeee LAST NIGHT BEFORE the uni student life is starting !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am already anxious about the way it's going to change my life !! in a good way I am sure

my sleeping schedule is going to change
my eating habits are going to change
my energy and motivation is going to change
my interests are going to change

I would like to preserve my activities about my art and calligraphy
And participate to the inktober challenge too...
I hope I will manage to have time AND energy to draw
Planned a 3 days trad art and 3 days digi art, but I am always lazy to draw on computer (always want to do something else such as coding, reading blogs, watching videos... it's also a way of creating and finding inspiration i think)
SEPTEMBER is going to be SUPER FOCUS ON THESE HABITS I HAVE TO ADAPT !!! for a better life

Look at how I customed my bag !!!!!! going to adopt the loser boy style oh yeah

and ohh hEYY look at my outfit i am going to be bullied by ppl
SO TODAY was my first day of uni !!!!!!! My first lesson was philo, there is no wifi connection in the audit lol rip, teacher is really nice btw
Absolutely adore how knowledge enters in my brain hehehehehe
I think my computer is going to stay at home for a while (will update on my phone when I must blabla and ramble alone here) and try to communicate a little bit with people
Peeps in my class seems very young and lost (like me) got two social interactions today (were pretty nice!) and saw my beloved friend H who show me CRAZY COOL secret places in the campus (in the library) NB floor 4
Tomorrow and on Wednesday I will have 10 HOURS OF CLASS from 10am to 10pm oh god
I pretty much enjoy the feeling of hungriness, because when I wasn't scholarized I had hardcore ed and just spend my time eating. So it regularizes my habits somehow.

I have class at 8pm today, see ya soon schoolboyas

21th September is officially autumn and I want to do something special that day.
uptdate : ok i checked and it's officially on 22th this year. But TODAY i wore a autumnal tones outfit, some lace, comfy shoes, and went out to buy cute vanilla fluffy cakes shaped like a LEAF can you imagine ?? theyre are so cute !!! aaaaaa i have a really bad sore throat (lack of sleep ? people in auditoriul coughing 33252345243times in my back ? my fragile health ? everything ??? =life) so i'm drinking lot of tea. tomorrow i'll finish that calli i started (the one in the background of this blog) and eat a entire jar of honey. i love autumn

Learning so much. will update uni page when I will have time and not 10 hours of class !!! agh
Maybe on Sunday or when I will need synthesis of my lessons. They are going to be so detailled and funky (colorful?structured?) Cant wait to imply css also (ça se dit ?)

Yesterday, i was lost in the school and discovered a scientific museum in the school !! wasn't expecting this ???? a friend of mine in pinning bugs for their studies (bio) and it's so cool ! i am in journalism and learning bases of communication so it's pretty chill, we have library visits and such

The Library of the school offers free book !!! omg i am going to throw myself in the biblio every fcking day
& Of course I'm in love with the Litterature class and the first book we have to read is "Die Leiden des jungen Werthers" written by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1774. A romantic diary aiming to the suicide of the main chara, the story is written like a epistolar (bro i can not say it in english) style : letters. The young Werther write letters to his friend William.
We have rhetoric lesson as well, and we kind of have to role play (in my fantasy ok) and make a presentation of a character to defend your opinion
it's going to be so much funnn i always thought i was pretty shy but im really interested in theater and rp and so make a public presentation hypes me!

ALSO i try to make the calligraphy community grow on my social media and created a promptlist for inkotber named "Callinktober" !
hehehe and some people i never met are going to participate, and it's so cool to motivate people i feel usefulll

I came to a conclusion that (building stable relationships) :
There are many people who think highly of themselves to remain worthy of their appearance, without constructing or deconstructing what they fundamentally are themselves;
I am only interested in the genius of people, therefore in their best and their worst, in knowledge and in truth. By this, what I mean is that neither knowledge nor truth can lie, and I trust only in the pure semantics of virtue.
If someone can be conscious of the justice and injustice, it's a win-win. Otherway, it's a goodbye

Bought tangerines today

Got a collaboration w/ some calli artist that's cool !!!!

oh man i am so happy yet desperate for no reason
i think i just need to sleep

_
Thinking about my mom. And I think I should really come back to home, I heard that home could be where your heart is ? Or where you laid your head down in the evening ?
But I feel guilty for leaving her and not being able to assume that rent. I'm losing so much of myself in this trap, things are never simple, but I need to move. Uni truly helps me to change my habits and I am so proud of that. Now I need to deconstruct my nest, and to retrieve my treasures in the place where i come from. I always thought (about my wanders in flea markets) that I should bring back my stuffs at home and show them to my mom. So she can learn to know me through items, colours, stories. With the experience I've learned these 6 last years since I leaved home, I should be able to be reasonable, mature, quiet when i should. I know that we can have different point of views and opinions, it's certain. We often fought about it. I can be too much or not enough, of too chaotic for her. I will be attentive to leave her peace and only bring sparks of happiness when she needs it, rest of the time I should be active, work or just write at my desk. I am an adult, I know how to put my life together. I actually don't need that much space (the apt where I live is definitely too big for me alone since my roomate left), I just need... a paper, a pen and my head to stay inspired. I just want to write, calligraphy, or read. I can also code with my computer, play piano, sew. I can do things, it should be fine, right ?
__

Squatter, home service
Having a roof is an important thing, right ?
But what if some people just come and break your freedom and rules because you have empathy to help them and provide them security and a roof ?
Should you just accept thing how it is and not being selfish or should you just protect yourself and make things right for you ?

I healed from my coughibg and aphonia in only 3 days !!!! (*i V i)/// there is hipe for good health!!!!!!

OCTOBER
INKtober challenge !!!!!!
bday dad : 10/10
concert HTSR : 12/10 21h

HII Welcome October !!! Inktober is starting and I am motivated to survive
I just got 10 hours of uni, and went back home to DRAW !!! (i am exhausted)
but hey a very little team seems to enjoy doing the promptlist I created
and this offers me so much hope and motivation thanks to these very special people

We are organising an artist markets with a student group named OPAC and i am so so so happy to invite my friends at uni !!!!!

My beloved friend Ch came at home for few days because they needed a roof to rest, we shared a pumpkin (!!!!) together and some precious moments. It's been a while I haven't laugh so much !!!

Long day !!! It's been so long I haven't smile that much !! i think i lay look awkward in public when i am so happy, smiling and just enjoying life in my ridiculous outfits but... I truly enjoyed my time today.
i am SO grateful for having friends. uni truly cheers me up. I feel silly, but i am happy hey
My beloved punk friends, with of without drugs we spend such good moments
i feel very sincere when I smile...
thankyu for offering me the chance go be happy

___

why i feel like to cry - after spending 4 hours drawing at past midnight without a meal in the stomach??? - yell at me to eat !!!!!

___
Messaging with my bro is the most hilarious thing ever

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hello it's the 10/10
My father's birthday.
i dont see him really often but I assume he is kind of cool and chill, i think i unconsciously look like him in the way i am.

At Uni, i am very precise and meticulous about my notes but I lack social interactions. i walk very fast way back home, never talk to anyone or just miss the opportunities. There is someone i kind of... Admire, but i think we both shy. i dreamt about them znd it was really awkward so I will just see what happen next.

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i should say sorry and thanks more often
_

Today I went to an Urban art center event and there was a sketch contest, and I won 50 balles de squeezerrr
(mdrr private joke) with Mogo et J
actually i went out after uni to meet some writers and tag and graffiti artists in the evening, it was so much fun !!! to see the people in my city who share the same interest
i've been in lettering and calligraphy for some time now (when i started going outside, and observing graffitis, or when i took the train) but really practised a few years ago. Wining a price really means something to me. Meeting artists and having the support of my friends really means something to me too !!!
I feel like i dont really belong to anywhere, any crew or gang yet, but being a little ninja, acting in shadow and sometimes pop up in public places kind of make my art and myself alive.
My peeps, my hopes.

___

It's starting to be really cold outside and inside... I feel a little bit down, depressed. Cold hearted. My rage wants to show up. I'm posting and deleting and posting and deleting. I am always hungry. Never satisfied.
How to find a solution to this ?
just go to sleep.

I don't have electricity and internet in my apt. I don't have enough money to pay my rent. I am fucking going to throw myself under a train, the station where the cops hit us that day. I am always disputing with this friend, this situation really fucks our relationship badly. maybe it's my fault. Maybe everything can find peace when I will be dead. Maybe I am the problem. Just go back to sleep.

Insecurity. The urge to hide. 17 non answered messages. I hate this.
the urge to protect myself, my privacy, my opinions, my energy. Intrusive thoughts, intrusive people. My door has always been opened. I need to close, I need to close my door and hide the key.

Studying at uni healed my eating disorder habits.
I am no longer bulimic, I am no longer sick. I am so courageous and proud of myself !
_

must : buy ink

for winter :
new yo in south
ask for ttt guest
Paris > Montpellier > Marseille
(bus - train - bus - train retour)

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i want to believe in my own self.
i am tired to count on people. they often are deceiving and i am deceived them too
The fact is that we live in a society and must trust people around us, create an unification of our interest can make something good
i spent to much energy and time on people who just ended up leaving me alone. this make me want to isolate but it will make them win. I just can't let myself lose my own independence because of them

je ne vous pardonnerai pas de m'avoir abandonne. N (PH), MR, ED
je vous vois moi, vous pouvez pas me supprimer comme ça bande de gros traitres

"trust yourself" was the last word they said to me (a friend)

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When i went home i took very nice portraits of my face with this sakujan jacket. i felt like it, i was exhausted with work, uni and i lost some weight. i needed to remember
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4:01
my left ear starts bleeding. my head hurts
I feel like I live in a swamp, there is something wrong with my body.
i haven't eaten well for weeks but i don't think it's linked...
There is something broken in me, in my ear, in my whole corpse ; i can feel it.
i woke up at night to wrote this
there is an amount of stress
a suicide projection of how i could end it all
__

i should end my life
insane bad feeling about the future

4:27
With all my sincerity, i never saw myself having a long life
I was always rushing to death, telling myself " one life ", then i was rushing everything so fast, i noticed that i al losing everything. my friends, my respect, myself.
I am all alone, and it hurts. it starting to hurt even more when I lost the capacity to hear, on october. (mon tympan a succombé à d'anciennes blessures antérieures causées par des otites en créant un traumatisme auditif, cela m'a complètement isolé du monde, j'ai l'impression d'etre dans un flacon en verre, qu'il y a un truc qui sépare le monde et la personne que je suis. Psychologiquement, je me sens désorientée, et il m'est incapable de suivre le rythme des autres par leur actions, interactions.

je n'ai pas totalement perdu l'audition, il y a une chance qu'elle se rétablisse. On parle alors de traitement, seulement les séquelles laissées par cet accident se manifestent par des maux de crânes, des bourdonnement que j'avais dans le passé. je dors mal. et j'ai envie de pleurer. je n'ai pas mangé de chose réellement substantif depuis des jours et des jours. des semaines ?)

Y avait tellement de distance entre leur monde et le mien

Sleeping heals.

Waking up and totally feeling being a new person.

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omg !!! got a date with little H and we went to watch Look Back - ルックバックat th cinema & it was so good ggrraaaahhhhh i wish we could have no responsabilities and eat pastries and talk more !!!!!!!!!

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booooo i became bedbug
so so lazyy

je crains trop que bientôt il y ait des cameras partout dans ma ville, qu'on soit surveillé par l'autorité qui contrôle le pays
que les captures d'écrans, témoignages, preuves soient punissables, interdits.
Yandex (le moteur de recherche russe) a été banni de l'europe, tous les films deviennent payants, sous licences pour que les riches prennent tout l'argent des classes sociales plus basse en échange de la culture qu'ils leur volent
ça devient compliqué de vivre en marge, faut qu'on s'intègre maintenant, avoir une roue de secours, faire partie de la société pour la retourner. Au final c'est le schéma que Mr robot ?
Y a pas moyen de pas être opprimé par les autorités, rien que les loyers augmentent à balle, alors comment faire ? on s'arrache tous la peau à vouloir vivre bien , mais personne ne bouge
ou alors tout bouge mais personne ne suit le mvt. L'individualisme s'abat sur nos générations, la fragmentation rend les mentalités compliqué à réunir. Même si on partage les mêmes intérêts on fini par se bouffer la gueule. Les hommes et les femmes ne s'entendent plus, on est tous confus par ce qu'on devient.

____

i am sentimentally so desesperate i could fall in love with anyone, or anything
hardrug in my veins

Halloween 31/10

Discovered Dey Ef. obsessed.

    NOVEMBER

we made bread

___________________________
on the Concept of graffiti article
found on open access library a lots of interesting articles about street art (might read and analyze them for my future project the Wanderer which is a street journal for citizen)



bday mom : 13/11
ttt convention 8-10/11

« Une relation d'influence de pensée, impliquant au minimum deux personnes, l'une accordant à l'autre sa confiance parce qu'elle maîtrise un domaine spécifique de compétences.»

french blabla

L'apprentissage. Saisir par l'esprit, étudier et savoir un domaine, capter l'information et pouvoir la transmettre, tel est la parfaite maîtrise d'une connaissance. Partager son savoir, être à l'écoute. Cela va dans les deux sens. Nous sommes tous formés, informés, car nous avons tous la capacité d'apprendre et de réfléchir. Multiples personnalités Ce n'est ni ordinaire, ni normal, ni extraordinaire ou étrange. Certains êtres développent de multiples facettes de personnalités qui se manifestent à des moments précis de leur vie ou lors de situations indéfinies. Les êtres humains se développent avec leur environnement, leurs conditions de vie et leur capacité de comprendre et de réfléchir, ils sont forcément influencés par ce qui les entourent. Au début, certains appliquent le "mimétisme" lorsqu'il s'agit de faire des choix, d'autres vont fouiller dans le fond de leur préférence et essayer d'expliquer, de manifester le pourquoi de leurs décisions. Il n'est pas évident de choisir lorsque nous n'avons pas le savoir inné. Avec les expériences, nous apprenons à nous habituer, à développer nos goûts, nos préférences. Parce que cela nous semble logique, nous contruisons alors notre personnalité. Imaginée, sublimée, simplement, par facilité, paradoxalement ; notre identité se forge petit à petit par ces expérimentations et chemins empruntés. Notre passé fait de nous qui nous sommes à présent. Nous sommes une accumulation de nos choix et préférences, de nos idées et pensées partagées et parcourues dans notre esprit. Nous sommes une multitudes de goûts et de couleurs, une palette immense de tonalités. Bien que nous naissons tous par "défaut"/"blank", nous sommes entraînés par l'inertie du mouvement des planètes de notre monde, les astres qui gravitent et s'entrechoquent, créant des conséquences irréversibles. Il en est de même pour les humains. Lorsqu'un être rencontre un autre, il est influencé, voire inspiré ou alors rejettera cette influence, créant en lui une affirmation de son choix. Ceux qui sont capables de comprendre, de voir les différentes perspectives, possèdent l'oeil omniscient. Nous ne sommes pas obligés d'accepter toutes les personalités qui viennent à nous, tolérer par respect est simplement une solution afin d'éviter le conflit. Il arrive que nous essayons de nous intéresser à un quelconque sujet et que nous nous finissons par apprécier, par le maîtriser. Cela devient une part de nous. Le temps et l'énergie dépensée dans une activité, un intérêt nous plonge dans cet univers que nous développons et créons ainsi une place importante dans notre cerveau. Il arrive parfois, de se rendre compte par rejet, déception ou réalisation que sur quoi nous avons été absorbé ne nous correspondent plus et alors se crée en nous un besoin de changement. Humains bloqués dans un monde ou le temps ne s'arrête pas Certains être humains modernes ne sont pas capables de subvenir à leurs propres besoins, ils dépendent des autres êtres. Il est devenu normal de vivre en société, de faire ses courses en grandes surfaces, d'envoyer des messages, d'avoir comme meilleur ami : son téléphone. Les médias, l'influencent de la bêtise rend les humains faibles incapables d'agir en conséquence, parfois même ils deviennent malades, bloquent leurs développements. Ils finissent par stagner, se sentir perdus. Il arrivent qu'ils suscitent eux-mêmes des obstacles, pensant qu'ils sont insurmontables alors qu'ils ont toutes les clés pour réussir. Ils s'inventent des maladies, des faiblesses par peur d'avancer. Ne se projettent pas. Mais l'horloge du temps ne les attendra pas, il faut se bouger maintenant. L'inspiration, la volonté, la motivation (discipline, ordre, orientation) sont des concepts à apprendre pour pouvoir débloquer et continuer. "Il y a beaucoup de gens qui se prennent de haut à rester digne de leur apparât, sans construire ou déconstruire ce qu'ils sont fondamentalement eux-mêmes ; Moi, je ne m'intéresse qu'au génie des gens, donc à leur meilleur et leur pire, au savoir et à la vérité. Par là, ce que je veux dire c'est que ni le savoir, ni la vérité ne peuvent mentir, et je ne fait confiance qu'à la sémantique pure de la vertuosité." ___ Calligraphie Signification de la calligraphie Pourquoi les lettres ? Sémantique La calligraphie est une technique ancestrale, La maîtrise de l'écriture demande une patience et une rigueur d'application. Une étude des alphabets, des systèmes d'écritures, de geste et puis l'assemblage de ces caractères. Il y a aussi le choix des mots, du support. C'est intéressant de remarquer qu'il existe tant de champs lexicaux, de vocabulaire, de figures de style différents lorsqu'on veut écrire. Il s'agit d'abord d'une expression intrinsèque de son âme par un médium choisi. Je pense que j'avais beaucoup de choses à dire et qu'un des moyens qui m'a semblé le plus efficace était de l'écrire. Alors lorsqu'on crée, on produit quelque chose, il faut aussi penser à ton effet, son impact. Une lettre d'amour envoyée, un tag sur un mur, un e-mail, un discours, il y a une différence entre ces écrits. Cela n'a pas le même impact. J'ai étudié les lettres à l'université, la communication, lé rhéotique, la grammaire et la syntaxe pour pouvoir formuler au mieux sans commettre d'écarts, de faiblesses de style. Il est important, lorsqu'on veut communiquer d'apprendre les fondements avant de balancer dans le monde des idées stéréotypées sans réfléchir à ce qu'on souhaite vraiment dire. Exercice Il existe des exercices à réaliser pour s'améliorer ou découvrir différentes formes. Tout d'abord, l'observation. L'introspection de ce qu'on trouve harmonieux (l'inspiration peut venir des plantes, des bâtiments, des matières organiques ou qui structurent notre monde, par exemple), dans le monde. Tracer un alpahbet demande beaucoup de temps et d'effort, ce qui rend cette pratique méticuleuse assez impressionnante. À l'époque, en Asie, les étudiants traçaient les lettres sur le sable pour économiser l'encre et le papier. Ensuite, il y a écrire un poème, ou formuler un ensemble de mot pour créer un sens : la sémantique. Les termes choisis vont forcément avoir une connexion entre l'esprit de l'auteur et ce qu'il veut manifester. Un rapport direct avec son être intérieur et l'univers extérieur. Puis, il y a l'exercice d'écrire une lettre en destination au monde ou à quelqu'un. De permettre de transmettre un message. Cet exercice peut symboliser le pas vers le monde, vers l'extérieux, vers l'existence. Réaliser une offrande sont des pratiques humbles et naturelles pour la culture du partage.

hey world,

THE URGE TO WATCH ARTHUR AND THE MINIMOYS HITS HARD