"A long time ago, a child who told me that he liked me said that he hated me, and it made me very sad.

When you deny yourself, you deny the people who say they like you

So after that, let's not be so self-denying... That's what I thought.

Lately, I feel like I've only been able to see the parts of myself that I hate.
Weakness, ugliness.
And I am LGBT.

In order to live so as not to make waves,
Sometimes I deceive myself and push myself to death.

But
The fear of exposing your true self and the pain of suppressing it,
It always exists in me in contradiction." - Omi, Exist Trace.


___ 

To obtain the soul from a signed contract
I blend into the city tonight, seeking prey
Honoring this exuberant treasure
Now it's not the same ornaments for me

The art of connecting even while biting
In this world where we don't say who is who
Gasping in solitude

Love is such an unforgivable thing
Witness to thousands of deaths
The life I love to lead
Laughing like the devil

To obtain the soul of her exposed neck
You and I want to live in this world forever

The lifestyle of immorality
It's an abomination to be hunted
You won't let yourself be

Love makes you go back
But you betrayed me
My dry body keeps trembling
You want an innocent

An overflowing passion
The enticing scent suffocates you
I still let it resonate in my throat, searching
Carve out your solitude

Love is such an unforgivable thing
Witness to thousands of deaths
The life I love to lead
Laughing like the devil

Because you love me, you bare your fangs
The spiral of solitude is lowered
Please bite into life with full force
Please hate me.

(Keiyaku - Exist†Trace)

___
      
  The sadness on the face
will probably be gone tomorrow
When did my eyes
started to die?
What awaits me tomorrow
while I sing and live without meaning?
Alone in my room
while my heart beats wildly

Rocked from side to side. Where would you go ?
I put my hand on the heavy, closed door
The remains of the parade
Silence laughs with the fact that
I won't sleep again tonight
Always emptier than any comedy tears
Left to be just taken
Left to just be damaged
Here, let there be love...
The joke dance raises infinite evil
Left to be just taken
Left to just be damaged

I'm dependent on fate
I'm alone and I dwell on this fate

The incessant rain, the persistent noise,
the constant scar, the perpetual love,
the continual song... 

_______

They just felt so alone in their condition
People feel less isolated when they learn about other people that share their struggles
And that should speak for itself
because it should be considered worse to have to hide something
that you shouldn't need to hide
And how are you helping anyone by not talking about this you're just increasing the divide

_______

Getting a better understanding

_______

Life lover aims to bring some light, lay the shadow of the mind hide in our sleep

_

Cry, baby boy, your cupboards bare
With vapour trails across the sky
Said will you, won't you?
Never be mine

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
You should've known
You should've guessed

A row of pearls beneath your skin
Cry surface tension, I dive in
My darling boy you need to know
Migration claws this tethered soul

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
You should've known
You should've guessed
You might also like
Silent Night
Christmas Songs
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Christmas Songs
O Holy Night
Christmas Songs
[Bridge]
This brokеn bird lost in the snow
Migration claws this tetherеd soul
And no one calls cause no one knows
My darling boy, I have to go

For you, I hold my breath
For you, I get undressed
The cupboards bare
There's nothing left
I stood the time
I stood the test

You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed
You should've known
You should've guessed


You should've (- KJG, For you I hold my breath)

___

Je sens une vie qui ne peut pas être sauvée
救えるはずもない命を感じ

S'il te plaît, vis une belle vie juste pour le moment
今だけでもいい生きてください

Plus profond que la mer profonde qu'on ne peut plus voir
もう見えない深海よりもより深く

Tu dors si profondément, profondément, d'un bleu profond
そう深く深く深く眠る君 deep blue

blessé avant de le savoir
いつの間にか傷付く

Le jour où je me suis trop habitué aux choses,
事に慣れすぎた日び 

En cette saison où l'hiver dort
冬が眠るあの季節には

Je vais t'apporter un bouquet de fleurs.
花束を添えにゆくから


(Higeki wa Mabuta wo Oroshita Yasashiki Utsu, dir en grey)



Tomorrow continues without stopping, leaving only pain, and another day ends
Even if the present blue flows into an ambiguous tomorrow, staying blue
Synchronicity, guided by the present that will someday be born

SCREW, KAIROS



born - with hate

last obsessed with :
observer, Kim Carlsson, Katie Jane Garside, Asumiko Nakamura, scarring, blades, scapula, udon, needles, red velvet, claws, fangs, being alone, walking in the forest, making offrands (pumpkin in the woods), feathers, moss, rocks, orange and red leaves, sleeping trees, Nitro+chiral, Guilty pleasure, the shipwreck of Andelana, Nheira / KhaosKai, spikey lips piercing, chains, bones, bodhisattva, crypt perfume, lasagnas, greek gods, black metal veins, exist trace, spacked out 2000, Lamento beyond the void, metaneeds, Kaoru croo (diru), chicken hearts, role play, this GACKT X Kaoru ff, Reita's death, listening music very very loudly, screaming in the forest, hitting my head against wall, hickey, pale skin, tongue piercing, lenses, apples, birds, fashion shows, Portrayal of Guilt lyrics, calligraffiti, soulbox, killing-machine, vinnie's art, make-up, cutting hair, tattoos, emo party, violet scent, gloves, leather, long jacket, Die (dir en grey), withering to death, DIM album the GazettE, blood count, MADK, vk & j-rock, this cute page i must send to 7amgf, my neighboor who drives that moto, cigs, painting on a wall, coffee and speculoos, scenes, concert, interviews, pillows, red carpets, shiitake, sukekiyo, aneth, decay, damaged people, Ruby...

AUGH *sigh* vent

I FOUND A 1999 DIR EN GREY GOOD CONCERT 
MUST create a page for Nheira.......... my holy superior being....... i need to know him more.

man i am working 3 days in a row wish me good luck good energy good mood
GOD last eve was eUPHORIC AF i am such in a good mood...
ough i am so not jealous I AM BEING SO POSSESSIVE
with my friends and partners
it's like i
really fucking hate people
when they get close to MY CLOSE FRIENSD fr don't dare asking me if i AM OK BECASUE I AM not
clearly it just hurts
fucking hurt lie dogmeat..... eaten
i am feeling like loudly diving into ultraviolence rythm and poetry, writing nothing but vnt, i feel like growling instead of talking, i feel like imagining myelf with them instead of telling them i want to feel their touch
my head and body are detached
i am so tired going to throw up
IT JUST FUCKING KILL ME THAT MY VOICE CAN NOT REACH ANY HEART
THERE'S NO ONE
CAN ANYONE SEE MY POTENTIAL ?
REMOVED an ear piercing that hurts like shithell and it brings back my dreaming time goodnights
boy i am spending so much mony for a gurl what the fuck
i saw the bestfitne of a fiend and they dodged me
oh come on dont chase, attract
i fcking need to offer flowers to my gf. I found a plant also but I always feel ashamed to offer something that LIVES.
man I am going to travel tomorrow and i literally am packing meat chorizo in my suitcase (i am laughing so hard and its 1 fucking AM and i should SLEEP)
OK SO WE WENT TO THAT UTOPIA SECT WATER CURE THING AND IT DRAINED ALL MY ENERGY AND WILL TO GO BACK TO IRL LIFE
and also I FINISHED TO READ THE SONG OF ACHILLES AND IT LEFT A METALLIC BLOOD TASTE ON MY TONGUE.
fuck it i am halfassing all my relationships atm, i am daydreaming immoral, thought i was becoming healthy again then it lasted 6hours max and i just had another bulimia crisis and going to sleep at 5am
no no noes, i wont let myself down like that. I don't go out tmrw so I deserve to take my time, I drew dragons and listened at music, rewrite some quotes and answered some messagds(i really fucking hate that)
I WAS LIKE i will live a healther life and went to sleep at 4am
gods hear me. we did a Dionysos ritual
RRAAAAHHH why garbage collectors won't take my TRASHES i am so pissed of (im a clean guy^)

"A lot of people think self harm is bad but what would happened if you point knife to people everytime you cut yourself ? "

WHAT IS THIS LIFE I HATE THAAAT but i LOVEEE THAAAT being EMPTY AND FULL IN THE SAME TIME
REALLY NEED TO FIND MOTIVATION TO GET OUT THE BED


I COULD EAT TEN LASAGNAS AND 23923895349 TANGERINES 
(wintermood)

JEEZ i hope no one found about here or read my vent because it is very cringi

LACK OF SLEEP LACK OF SLEEP
SLEEP DEPRIVATION

FLOOD

found a damn link to watch Spacked out 2000 on yandex thank you yandex.ru !!!!!

tHE MOMENT I AM NO LONGER A MYSTERY TO YOU ; I AM DEAD

THIRSTY FOR EXIST TRACE,,,
THEY LIVE IN JP ON MAY

finally... started Lamento

rain and forest IS THE VIBE
SPRING SPRING SPRING
gf would love

sometimes i don't get people at all.

really i don't want to do anything right now for anyone
i can not think of cool stuffs atm


i am afraid
i dont wamt to see my corpse change
i dont want to 

my alimentation changed. but i am still so always hungry. my stomac is so acid rn, i am sick
i dont know if i am healing, but i am mentally deteriorating, i want to see myself death or doing awesome changes but in a way i am so scared and my body refuse to move, it hurts it hurts it hurts
I DONT WANT TO BE SAVED
BUT I WANT SOMEONE TO GUIDE ME TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW but i cant because i will puke in 3 2 1

my stomac hurts so much... so fucking much... i will never forget that pain
and i will say NO to over food because i can't 
I've sinned thinking i could but i COULD NOT

did ugly scratches on my skin and left some marks on my cushion in souvenir.

i am so sad.
I was planning to wlk outaide a little bit today but couldn't.
i wanted to scream in the forest because it hurts it hurts it hurts so much

i was thinking to call the suicide line today, but couldn't 
i am so weak

if you ever read that, please help me.

aaaaaaah

Snakes & Earrings notes :

"All I wanted was to be part of an underground world where the sun doesn't shine."
"They are a proof of a symbol of my love."
"The constant pain make me irritable and made me wish that everybody would just die."
"I was a person who could see no future for myself, a person who cared about no one." (Lui)
"I couldn't believe how grotesque I was. I guess this is what happens when you lose the will to live."
"I collapsed to the ground and broke down in tears. Screw you. Go to hell, you fuckers. I wish I had a greater vocabulary to fully express the extent of my pain and hatred. But I don't. I'm just pathetic. That's all I am."