Synthesis spring

MAY, dear MAY

diary

^ omg I had that thing when i was child, why is it shaped like this
i'm laughing to hard hahahahahahaha

~~~

Finding beauty in the mundane

~~~

Drinking matcha ; w ; 🌱🌱🌱 with coconutcream milk and icecubes !!!!!
~~~

Vendredi 9 mai,
went to action to buy paint and a ✨roll✨ finally ! Went to paint outside
Four persons thanked me ;
I went to cover ideological racist tags, it was a wild adventure.
Honestly I felt at ease to publicly paint without looking like a criminal (*i w i`)

Nos rues sans violence

À nous la rue

Prône la paix

Respect respect respect

Message de paix,
Peintres
~~~

21:21, smiling because my friends are so nice hihihihi :))))
We went to study à la plaine et i am craving the nuggets patates à 2e right now, bring me back there

~~~

discovered : https://sandspiel.club/ !!!! TY tortue-modite

~~~

what the fuck Avilio
hate this guyyyyyyyyyyyyy so much
pretty character design, awful character augh why am i even watching 91 days ???
I AM MAD

~~~

Drinking mint with cold water and ice 🌿
Essential oil also helps me to focus
Trying to stimulate my focus abilities to work on my study concerns (*8 v 8)7

~~~

saw from the bus :
💐 This alternative looking girl sitting at a terrace writing in her notebook next to a group of eight or nine people wearing the same outfit.

~~~

Things and missions I must accomplish :

- updating on computer this page (may)
- dimanche 11/05 fête des mamans (lavande)
- selling furniture
- posting that letter to be paid
- study and publishing sociology notes
- on monday study at the library with computer-kun
- déposer la boîte en bois dans le casier à l'erg (à partir du 12)
- nouveau bâtiment pour étudier à la plaine

~~~

Alarm clock failure this morning
Woke up at 10:10 was supposed to be at 10am at class. It was important aghhhh I even printed the sheet for this lesson. Well, I will use that time in another way, I need to redact
je peux sortir ce soir... (pas cours d'HA demain matin)
- AG USE (Union syndicale des etudiants 18h)
- dépôt de la lettre pour être payé

~~~
"Having a life goal offers you strenght."

~~~

Monday motivation !
- register to library 10h-14h
- go print things
- buy food cause fridge empty as my stomach
- buy apples 🍎

Ça parle de philosophie des rêves et des états de conscience en cours

4 états de conscience :
• veille et réveil/presence
• rêve "source de lumière"
• sommeil profond - sagesse intuitive, connaissance globale, universalité, omniscience
• "tout ce qui n'est pas" - impensable, impossibilité, inexistant

new word in frenchu :
+ herméneutique : du grec ἑρμηνευτική τέχνη / hermēneutikḗ téchnē, « art d'interpréter », est la théorie de la lecture, de l'explication et de l'interprétation des textes.
+ philologie : du grec ancien φιλολογία / philología, « amour des mots, des lettres, de la littérature », consiste en l'étude d'une langue et de sa littérature à partir de documents écrits. (littérature, histoire et linguistique)

There was a power outage at my place, had to call my landlord and I finally told him that I will leave the appartement (suitcase : springtime), he had a sad look on his face and it makes me even more sad to leave. Heartbreaking ; he always has been so kind with me even if he monologues a lot and my boic voice is very not hearqble when he talks. I gave him a letter with drawings, tea, asian candy and some trinkets. When I came back in the livingroom the light was so bright and next year I will be gone.
I keep telling people around me that I go back to my mom's place while I am terrified she rejects me, and I will be so lonely again
Maybe I should leave the town or the country if things get wrong, i am so scared, I just want to be free but now I am afraid of my decisions

I am so attached to the past

~~~

11:49, Sunday 4 may, discovering sesame oil and this is the first thing I think about in the morning

Had a weird dream about taxidermy and oppression by people ough stay still

~~~ Saturday

19:38, rain stopped. Sun is back, weather seems lovely outside
Just woke up from a nap, spend hours studying but my brain stopped working
I want to eat petite gâterie là ptng

14:34, 19°c raining
It's finally raining ! I love the smell, the sound, the feeling
Spring rains are the most lovely thing, nature is beautiful

~~~ Friday

"Luna is gone. We said our goodbyes, see you soon, see you soon, I love you too."
Luna is a sweet friend, a watching star (wish to write their portrait on nekoweb.org later).
They have a lot of things in their truck : presents, spices, a school desk (that opens!), a bookcase so big the board bends, trinkets, things, shoes, carpets...
We talked a lot on that bench, we walked a lot, we took the third crossing on the right in the park. Their dog is like a wolf, wandering around; he's without a leash or a collar. He's their best friend.
Luna shaved their head; it's a change. They look really cool, a truly independent person. I gave them a page from an encyclopedia with the moon and a map of the lakes. I think they were very touched. I want to give them everything I could. I realize I'm perhaps overdoing it by giving so much. (Do people really like receiving things? Or does it burden them? I think it depends on a lot of factors: the situation, the state of mind.)
We spent four days together. I'm a little exhausted but happy we had the chance to be with each other. (I think they took the lighter a stranger gave me near the central café, when I was alone and they were too; when I was painting messages of hope with black liquid paint like an insane person. I didn't have a light that evening, and she gave it to me, saying, "That way you avoid asking strangers." I'm writing it down because I don't want to forget : those short-lived love stories of nocturnal distress.)
They left for the south of France with Rashka. Their mobile home, or converted camper, is incredible, so practical, ready for adventure. They smell essential oils; we exchanged some. They smell lemon when they left.
Before we meet, they went with an association called "Utopia 56" to help exiled people disembarking from boats near the coast. They're trying to reach the United Kingdom because they can't seem to settle anywhere; refusals from exiled people are frequent. The repression of these homeless and shelterless populations by law enforcement is violent. Children are afraid of the word "police." Law enforcement officials are paid to destroy the unstable homes of these people in distress. They're paid and persuaded to do their job. (This world isn't right.) The association is there to help these people and assert a presence to protect the area (ZAD = zone to defend). Luna stayed there for a month. A month of volunteering, supporting people who are sometimes afraid of them, because they don't dare to express their distress, because some seem to have been snatched and sold by human transport organizations, hoping for a better life. Tickets to exile cost up to 500e cash, depending on many parameters. There is a malevolent, dominating influence by these human trafficking organizations. Humans then find themselves gathered in camps, territories (around 2,000 people, according to their observation) where they don't know where to go, or where they can be accepted; because asylum seekers are mostly refused. Undocumented immigrants are stuck at borders, moving from country to country to find their place. They invited me to come too, I want, if I can. They planned to return there for an entire year next year.

02.05.25
Ce matin mon clavier d'ordi ne fonctionnait pas.
Il y a eu des mises à jour du système window, c'est effrayant
Mon téléphone m'a demandé de choisir un navigateur par défaut

~~~

Je pense que j'ai perdu du poids, mais je l'ai regagné aussi tôt
Constante. Instable stabilité
Pourquoi je me préoccupe de ça ?

~~~
Lou est venu me deposer une lettre dans la boite aux lettres, j'ai envie de lui écrire
Iel me parle très souvent de ses amis, je ne sais pas si ça m'est indifférent
J'accepte sa personnalité, j'admire sa sincérité
"amour libre", iel a utilisé pour nous décrire
Je pense qu'iel a beaucoup d'amour libre, et j'aspire à respecter ça également
J'ai envie de parler de mes amis aussi, donc je comprends au fait
C'est normal et bienveillant
J'ai parfois peur de ne pas être assez bien pour elleux
Ca va aller

je vais lui écrire sur :
1er mai révolutionnaire
La vie nomade en camion
Le fanzine de Andy Cannibale

~~~

Feeling of having very very unatural disproportionate cheeks

~~~

2:01 1/05 : Went to the protest ! Arrived late than expected because I decided to make very hilarious anime screencaps manga+stencil font with revolutionary messages and printed them in a very cursed copy shop
(will add image maybe later)
update :

Saw friends, wrote notes, drink water and one shot, done some lettering painting, walked A LOT (impression de faire des allers-retours toute la life), spontaneously enter in a tattoo shop and saw No and Mag, and Ilyas, also Vissar. Then we walked to the monts des arts and chatchatted with two punks then saw Fanny and Hinata, met Mari, talked about fanzines. Had some fun time with durouleur friend who makes me shy because they're cool and keep telling me i am cool when they are more.
ate with Mogo and Lu (durum à 10 balles de king oskour c cher la ville), saw Lou and Eliz, met Ten from Crashtest and Swan and their friend who wrote me an address of a library near a quarter of the capital I always wanted to visit !
Bright sun, tired corpse, socially content, i love these people.
might hiding now

See you, good night

~~~

We talked until late with Lu in her little mobile-home and we talked about books. They lend me Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 by Orwell. I am studying hard but not enough i am afraid. The sky is so blue and so clear.
There is a big protest in the capital today.

1/05/25 : flea market day ! lily of the valley day ! Chloe's birthday !

First day of may ! Congratulations ! We made it.

you can sit here

omg watch the video Mogo made about envy's thingies !! ----->

April synthesis month ~

16_Kissaten 3 - Goth soundtrack (2008)

Pretty things noticed (click here!) :

- that girl with her skateboard in the store with her mom, there was a dragonball painting under - that woman coughing with the most cutest way possible ever - kisarazu cat's eyes !!! - catalin buying a frame with my portrait, still wondering what are they going to do with that - the big tree covered with white immaculate flower coat - my mother's white and grey hair like a wolf - my loser shape in a reflect - small grandma with green pullover walking under the big tree - that guy ruining the mood and showing poverty of this society - pieces of dead parakeet wings near the ponds - offering art to a teacher - omamori in the trees - waking up before 5am because of a dream - coding in the morning before the sun hits the window - avril/may page " synthesis " or renaissance (for next year)

- winamp player + function ups

- music player a future cute xmas theme, player flow, current player is named is "Tzusuki- gogo no sasayaki" and character is from 闇の末裔 (Yami no Matsuei) (the position bothers me idk how to fix that. update : fixed it by adding an img on the right so the winamp player doesn't end up crushed by the responsiveness of the window ! add lily of the valley, kinda look cute tho)

- reading manga GOTH - waking up before alarm - three boys looking at a lost cat poster at uni - being sober - red candy on the ground - bought myself books : Goth by Oiwa & Otsuichi, and Notes from Underground by Fiodor Dostoievski. - daydreaming about romance between me and a stranger - the habit of not receiving no answers & keep going forward - that shelf with calligraphy related books in the university library on 7th floor !!! - checking the plants i planted ! - picking flowers - making myself look passable for a date - offering tomatoes to someone you love - talking about philosophy and destruction - big spider on my window as 4am - hugging a plushie - spending my sunday calmly - Alys singing - ce motarddressed in all black avec skinny jeans qui nous fait yo - complimenter une fille trop belle au combini - big bumblebee qui fonce sur Alys haha - "there are things you can't resolve" - listed and made a bookshelf - playing guitar - hick eyebrows of asian guy at the point relay - walking at night and feeling watched by neighbourhood, civil cops car and camera. acting innocent, just going home from legal work - scenography in bathroom - being overstimulated by papers pieces in a discussion - eating an ice cream after months - buying tomatoes - l'insulte in french " duflan " - c plus angry c devenu angwass - old lady wandering with her friend saying by looking to the withering cherry blossom trees : "oh even if the petals are falling, it's still bery beautiful. ", "indeed, very beautiful." said her friend who is also and old lady. - my lovely friend sending me the most perfect song right at the right moment (海辺の葬列) - le joueur de flûte Hamelin (légende allemande) - being under a tree after a rain - saw rabbits and myosotis : it's spring, it's raining - packing perfectly something for someone - find a bench and sat on it, like a normal person - tarte aux oeufs - reading your dream diary and understanding that it makes sense - discovered sesame oil

Yo i am ninja !! (*^ w ^) This page is a journal of my daily routine of april and may month. Positive and chaotic. Here I will to share my thoughts, life experience, pretty things noticed.

Don't forget to water basilic plants : 🌱🌱🌱

Helping working on this typography index with technostalgia 🎶

Keeping writing in that dream diary for a long period now. Reading it and understanding that... It makes sense. It truly helps me to remember the fundamentals of who I am in my unconscious, that's impressive. ~~~ ate a mini tarte aux oeufs and that's it ~~~ Went to a communal reunion about policy, security and incivility in my quarter. Was interesting Old people make me smile they are so cute and kind if you smile and are polite I am pretending to be normal, I am normal People's dynamics are interesting. We all made mistakes when we speak and so they are. Some people are good orators, some are quiet and curious, some look like confident or not, or just suspicious or have intentions behind their head. Some are trying, some are suspecting. Diversity made a world. A very human world. ~~~ The woman who lives under my appartement is truly so awful towards me and she is eaten by hate and jealousy it's sad to see I don't need this negativity and I am so happy to leave this place soon ~~~ My friend Luna came this morning with her van (énorme camtar lol) and Rashka the big wolf-dog. I missed her !! We sat on the grass and talked the whole afternoon under the sun I feel very hungry and tired for some reasons but I am so relieved she made the road to my place !!! We met last summer and really felt a connection between us. We are learning things from each others and also trying our best to help people and ourselves, she has such a kind heart ! I am happy to know her I got up late around 13 and was still in pyjama when I opened up (oohh nooooo) but I really feel at ease with her so it doesn't matter at all !!! (this kind of intolerable impolite accoutrement would be impossible with others peeps, so i believe it's a proof of my love huehuehehe) She wants to eat belgian fries, it's cute but I got none good address !!! agh ~~~ 22:17, watching 91 days, finally. I don't what to think about it, the animation is really good... The names cringe me a little bit ~~~ ok I just saw the best friend, let's name him C (which is a tattoo artist) of a person i used to date next year and it went shadyyy because of his attitude and C and I were actually friends before all this mess so the discussion went well hopefullyyy BUT I WAS BUYING FLAN AND TOILET PAPER IT'S SO LAMEEEEE hahahahhaah ~~~ i seriously need to buy toilet paper aha ~~~ Sunday 18:44, there is so much light, my head hurts. Today I went out, headed to an event and made contacts. I went to mona to meet people and give the birthday gift for Mogo. I bought them food but they already ate, I was drinking fresh water in a bottle, life is good. I met some friends of them, I feel too cheerful yet so unclear and shady and I hate having the consciousness of my being, I struggle to express myself fully, I intellectualized things and i struggle to express it naturally, to let it out. I don't speak about my projects, discussions feel like time killer I truly want to speak about heavy things but discussions are light I want to have more time to discuss with people i am drawn to. There is this girl, and there is this guy and there is this friend making fun of me I can not defend myself because they're right ; i am unfunny, always serious. It's fine i guess Taking the tram, heading home. ~~~ Yesterday I entered in a very very big store and I bought some bread with seeds in and it taste like ... hamster/bird food nyiomiom it's not bad ~~~ fuuuh it's 01:55, i have a rdv tomorrow and i want to watch the last ep of Lycoris Recoil... maybe i should wait to watch it tomorrow so I can sleep good

(yeah i watch anime subtitled in french.....because vostfr is easy to access) Literally swallowed Lycoris Recoil anime in like... two days. Fire weapons aren't my thing at all, but Majima's ways of thinking aren't that evil, he is right somehow to question the autority organisation in this society. Takina has an absolute psycho-rigid character but is also so lovely and loveable, her duo with Chisato is perfect. She is actually really caring and do her tasks very well and also tries to be balanced and good to others. About Chisato, she is so cheerful and fun, she has a very opposite way of thinking than her partner by saying she would follow more her feelings and envies than missions from autorities. ~~~ Sat at a bench like a child and draw on it. yeah. on it. with white markers, i just drew on every surface. The result looks mediocre but I had fun, people not paying attention, it feels good I have to walk a little bit more because it's been three or four days I've been not tired at night, so I get out the tram near the ponds and walked. took a manga with me (Goth by Oiwa), read it in the tram This early afternoon I woke up and packed some books and gifts for a friend who lives in the same town but haven't met yet. We are writing letters to each others. Outside. Is wearing a very simple outfit. Bought a bottle of water. It's good to feel normal, to look normal. Pretend. Just pretend you're normal ~~~ 25/04 14:49, sleeping schedule is fucked It makes me really happy to see 88x31 button displayed on a page, some peeps are so creative !!! I also want to make a Neocitizen neighbourhood page..... update : i made it !!!!!!!!!!!!!! the neighborhood links page ~~~ Reading Doubt update : finished reading the whole thing ! it was good, a little bit creepy reading it at night honestly ahaha I felt uneasy Now I want to read Judge, Secret and the last work of Yoshiki Tonogai ___ 4:23, nightime Going to sleep more and more late aghhh x^x hopefully it's spring break. Watching Lycoris Recoil, it's pretty good ! Got new tattoos today, they're are references written : Coin Locker Girl, Strawberry Shortcakes, Noriko's Dinner Table Sala Samobòjcow, Sulle mia pelle and Goth. I'm happy ~ They are engraved in my skin. References about films are so important to me. I don't want to forget what I felt and the moments, the feeling and energy it gave to me ! ~~~ Woke up so late, around 12:07. My corpse was tired I guess after seeing some friends, I needed sleep, yesterday I was so tired, I went to sleep before midnight. Sleeping like a wolf or a little marmot zzzzmimimi Feels great. I do not have to please anyone before the end of the week !! (i can be fisgusyt disgusting) I don't have energy, just want to study philosophy, being slow. I am learning and I love that Being a university student just is so much pressure and also give a little meaningful motivation to use your time to learn what you want to understand, and also push you to get in the world. Anyways, good morning ! ~~~ Found a lilac tree and took a branch to drink in a tea ! Lilac tea is delicious. Took a little time to write, practising calligraphy and handwriting

~~~ Decided to wander in the big forest near Musée du tram, noticed a cool lettering sticker but most importantly : the immense green walk domain. Feeling the nature, 4 hours of sleep in the veins, got coco milk to make coffee when I go home. Walked a lot. The atmosphere after the rain is so so so pleasing. Here some lines I noted : Blue flowers and rain Rabbits and green wet grass This girl with a black cat hat Big black crow playing with a nut Feeling so small under a tree Being under a big tree The ground smelling like rain A seashell on the middle of the road with beautiful colors 18:59, after rain There were storms earlier in the afternoon !! We were still in the little chalet of H and decided to go outside to Lidl with Qwentine aha it was a fun adventure !! ~~~ It went well ! We chatchatted until 3am, about dreams, feelings and relationships until 3am Studied this morning, H lends me a computer access. It was nice to study in a group, especially because my theorical philosophy lesson to study is pretty unmotivating (teacher's note are bad...) 22:49, very tired mroew livingroom is busy, noisy and my head hurts but at least my stomach doesn't hurt x_x mimi Hauyen faut pas que j'oublie : - sortir la poubz - prendre les gyozas !!!! - arroser basilic x2 !!! - prendre tomato-mozza et aller chercher des trucs - si courses : descendre à églantiers ~~~ Wandering on Google maps

Lundi de Pâques. Easter day in my buried memoire: Depending the cultures, this day has been associated with chocolate eggs in my mind and my childhood. I remember spending time with some members of my family, my brothers and others kids of the "famille d'accueil de mon père". They are very superstitious, and own consequent fortunate richness. They had a piano at their place, a big house with differents bedrooms, secrets library and even a little church. They organised festivities, bringing food for everyone, making the place welcoming. I remember seeing rabbits and white pidgeons in the garden. In my memoire, My mom seems happyto spend time with them, even if she couldn't stand along with my father (he rarely came at the festivities, and prefer to organise events with his other side of the family), the time seems dreamy, light, unreal. My brother played guitar and played with others kids and I was often following him. I believe I was shy because they often use this term to define me " timid". I think I was just introverted, not knowing how to act friendly, what was good or bad. I was very young. They stopped organising these events when the family health started to deteriorated, when the kids became older and left the house. Somehow, these souvenirs became some oniric heavens of something that happened in the past and somehow is just waiting to be recreate again in the present to perpetuate the tradition. They were lots of children there ; orphans, migrants in reintegration processus, friends, musiciens, random people ?... It was a very cheerful and big family, what bring them all together was the "faith". My family (only my brother and mother, we were three) is from Vietnam and we settle down in the country side (not really far away from the capital) in a little town but far away the faithful family and our origins. Her decision to live in this town is personal due to her workplace probably. We were kind of isolate because my mother is a very solitary person. Anyways, sometimes I am scared to be like her and I am certainly like her somehow. It's been more than 7 years that I left the house but I wish to come back to my roots ~~~ ... lowkey want to go out and eat outside with someone but i am too scared to ask anyone ;-; i really never do this kind of activity, i want friend of someone close enough to go outside and just... eat something Nevevermind en fait, just got my peeperiod ; i'm locking in lol ~~~

~~~ 0:07, Sunday Why am I always always always hungry. Watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei Finishing my typography work index ~~~ Found a map of the moon with oceans and seas in frenchu. It makes me want to write a mental map of a story about this amazing found : Océan des Tempêtes, Mer des Humeurs, Mer des Nuées, Mer des Pluies, Golfe du centre, Mer de la Sérénité, Lac des Songes, Golfe de la Rosée, Marais de la Putréfaction, Mer de la Tranquilité, Mer des Crises, Mer de la Fécondité, Mer du Nectar, Mer du Froid, Golfe des Iris... ~~~ Irrational 3:27am thought : i love sociology so much i slowly am becoming a sociopath. i get it Wrote an update of my essay and analysis about juvenile delinquance and updated bookshelf Wish I could translate it, but I am not sure I want to use an ia to do it... ~~~ 20:28, white sky, a little bit blue, soothing and soft Smiling because everything is going to be ok ~~~ Yesterday evening I went to sleep at 3am because I was travelling on google maps to visit Japan. I found so many addresses and nice places !!! I think it's pretty expensive to stay in hotel, I am a little bit afraid to be totally broke if I ever go there, but I want to visit so many quarters !! It's been years and years I am dreaming to go there, it is pretty fun and satisfying to visit through maps hehe also reassuring 18:00, yay !! Saturday, spend the day cleaning the house, packing a big box full of stuffs for Cha. I am happy. I am in holidays, but I want to study. Croched a little tapestry with a cat, almost finished ! This morning I took a little bit of time to remember the sensation of dreaming, noted some reminescence of memory I don't want to forget ~~~ come on GROW stp

1:50, night time it's cold, i am in bed 23:16, Friday, 9°c, 18-04-25 : Wrote a previous entry but it seems it deleted itself (forgot to save, or using the same page opened on different media) Today is the last day before spring break and I join a friend at the cafeteria to talk about sociology. We ended up making funny shape with paper and Ezra & Vince join us !! I really love them, such good energy. We talked about references ; Disco elysium game that looks so amazing and Citizen sleeper. E is reading Tolstoi, we talked about visual novel with V, it was funfun. I lied and told them I had to leave because social battery was dying but it was still early and I headed home directly to open my computer and typed that previous entry that disappeared while the sun was hitting my back. I spend 3-4 hours redacting our last sociology lesson about norms and deviances because i prefer to study than spending a chill friday evening like normal people, no, i need to read more books and to understand better and to type better and yeah !!! ~~~ 18:43, grey clouds. Studied all day, reading, reading reading. Done philosophy synthesis. Modern philosophy : John Locke, starting Nicholas Malebranche. Must work about Descartes, Leibniz, Kant, Arnault, Hume, Berkeley and Spinoza of course. Finished reading entirely that medical study of Ambroise Tardieu. I have so much more interest in it, and this is so not university lesson, but for my personal interest and project. Done a scenography in my bathroom. It's very pretty, moved some plants and white fabric. Temporary set up, it's fine, it's beautiful. Soothing. Literally spend 8 hours studying and 1 hour bathing ~~~ I have no clue how i am going to move. I have shit ton of stuffs. I am taking one entire day to remove 10 items. i am so slow, i am so slow. The picture in the background of this page is what my home look like. It's been 4 years I am living here, alone. Since my breakup, I've been cherishing this place but it's impossible for me to continue living here. I made a list of why and what made my decision on springtime move (on the little suitcase icon) to be clear with what I want and what I need. But I just... accumulated to many stuffs. Trying to fill this emptiness, loneliness. It will be okay. I need to move, to travel. I realised the human I am don't need that much to be happy. I don't need articifial stuffs, to "own" cherry trees in front of my window, this thought is so egoistic. I saw a neighbour who seems to live in the street for a longtime when the cherry trees where blossoming so beautifully at their paroxysm that day, and he didn't even lift up his head to look at it, he was indifferent. And this gave me cold blood (ça m'a glacé le sang), because it has became a habit for this person, and it lost all this magic, the conscience of being surrounded by such beautifulness. I want to be free to contemplate spring every year. Last year I tried to hang myself in this season. It was Lae birthday, she died that way. But... I am not courageous, as her. My choice to stay live (as if i had choice) and cultivate goodness and hope, to offer it to others, to the world make me feel alive. I struggle, I am struggling, and I will. We all struggle. Of course, life isn't easy but it can be so gentle and beautiful if you take the time to see it, to feel it. To not being indifferent to what is around you, to be attentive about everything. Every thing I retrieve from the external world is the prettiness I saved and give it a chance, to be with me. To be loved. The things I will separate myself from will find their ways, in others hand, in others minds. I believe in the red link, the story that will succeed. ~~~ Day off, it's 10:48 I am in bed. contemplating ~~~ I feel blank, empty, pure yet extremely malicious ~~~ Having an asocial crisis lately. These past 6 months. Lately I am feeling : less angry, but jealous when I log on social media. I might be absent or distant. I am reading : On Desobedience by Erich Fromm, and Notes from Underground by Fiodor Dostoievski. Might be 1) depressed 2) bitter 3) lonely and grey I am feeding my brain with knowledge, concepts. Typing and writing like insane in my diary and journal. No one needs to know. ^ message I typed to post on sm but ended up deleting it ~~~ 23:03, in my bed, exhausted, sad, depressed. Started to read a few pages. My lecture is sooo interesting but my head needs rest. Conférence about fiscalité 20:57, still at work it seems that I might stay longer... eepy and my throat hurts ~~~ Heading to work. Can't wait to be back home and read the book !!!!!! (and sleep) Ate super spicy meal so it make me stay awake. I look like this -> (O - O*) i need sleep i look crazy... Also I need to process "on desobedience" by Erich Fromm, scanned chapter 4 (pdf) ~~~ THE BOOK I ORDERED IN SECOND HAND ARRIVED HKDLGJSLD I MUST GO GET IT SOON DON'T FORGET BRAIN PLEASE DO 'T FORGET IN YOUR WAY BACK HOME !!!!!!! update : got it !!!!!! working until 21h i am already done Accepted a job when the only thing I need is : read and sleep ~~~ My hair is too long ~~~ Listed and and coded the BOOKSHELF !!! finally listing all the books I've read. Most of the references I keep were displayed on my walloftext.co page (films mostly) and I should list the films I've watched also !! maybe on another page on technostalgia ~~~ 21:59, sieometimes it's neocoties, or neocotoes, or neotities i feel funny tonight ~~~ La diffusion du savoir sociologique dans l’univers social ne concerne pas seulement le langage ; il peut plus profondément encore modifier les pratiques sociales et les réalités qu’il étudie. "Personne ne peut prétendre créer de la richesse par lui-même; à moins d'être tellement aveuglé de suffisance que les autres en deviennent transparents." Sociology : Normes et Déviances. Must contact Qw. to ask socio cursus Rdv mercredi obj R, taff le soir 21h Chapter about "What means being normal ?" is so interesting. Déficit = ce qui manque pour équilibrer On appelle un déficit social lorsque un individu n'a pas intégré les normes Le concept d’incivilité qui pour le sociologue caractérise la rupture des routines d’interactions que sont les rituels de politesse, de bienséance. intro: Les fondements de la sociologie ont commencés à être étudiées par des chercheurs, professeurs, économistes et profils qui se questionnent sur le potentiel, les problématiques sociales, les différences et ressemblances. Lors de l'époque où l'industrialisation s'est développée, des classes sociales observables se sont formées (ouvrières, bourgeois) et des injustices sociales ainsi que des mouvements collectifs, de solidarité. Certains chercheurs étudient les actes et faits sociaux selon leurs connaissances et objectifs, et la définissent en fonction de ce que la sociologie représente dans la société placée dans son contexte socio-culturel. Les conceptions de sociologie se divisent en catégories en fonction de la structure sociale, l'intentionnalité (en criminologie), en rapport avec le temps et l'espace, la culture, l'éducation,... Les études sont observées par des statistiques de témoignages citoyens dans un espace et une temporalité précisée et ensuite définies par des schémas qui sont récurrents, des phénomènes observables et parfois anticipés. On remarque que les études peuvent être observées sur base d'un modèle-type et ne prend pas en considération l'entièreté de la population. Des études sociologiques doivent être précises et prises sur le terrain (anthropologie) pour identifier et analyser le témoignage le plus objectif. "Premièrement, les sociologues rencontrent des sujets pensants. Les acteurs sociaux interprètent leur réalité. Et c’est de leurs interprétations qu’ils témoignent lorsqu’ils sont interviewés par les sociologues. Donc les sociologues vont interpréter les interprétations des acteurs sociaux en les traduisant notamment en concepts scientifiques." ~~~ Way of social solidarity of retribution of richness : "Rétribution différenciée du mérite et de la vertu" / in english, "differentiated reward for merit and virtue", be paid accordingly of your effort ~~~ found Ambroise Tardieu's medecine analysis about pendaison, strangulation et suffocation (scan) while documenting for my litterature project ~~~ watching video of Tolstoi Lev (added on watched video in the bookshelf page) many essays to read (translated in fr) ~~~ Hopefully we have sociology today, I hope my mood get better.

bitter today . _ .

it has 0 interest to say to someone : "oh i did this for you but i forgot", like 1) ok this is not important for you, easily forgettable 2) what do you want from me to say ?? "oh poor me" i blame you 3) what this kind of useless information is it supposed to express ??? i don't get it Also the more i get messages from ppl i don't particularly like, the more they go down in my esteem. stay away respect yourself... Sometimes you just need to shut up (same gies for me)

🪑 There are things you can't resolve My goal is probably not to reach the top of university since I am an artist, quiet, distant, dark. I've always been this way and will always be. I never change, that how it is. My writings are bad. All I do for this class it useless. Too many mistakes. Pissed. Not proud of myself, I can't even write a decent synthesis, my grade for this fucking class is not that good. Teacher sucks. The fact this writing class is more about conformism (grammar and " good way of writing" are important, I get it ; to be understood, in an universal way is essential if you want to get a master and a doctorat.) But i can't fucking do it anymore. I am not a dead fish who let itself follow the fluent, and I feel like it. I am not good at it. I have to create my own way of writing, i can't be conform. I am not a fucking ai, i can't be like it. And I don't want to. Whatever if I pass that course or not, I don't want it to follow me. Going pissed, get out pissed, this is toxic. This make me feel bad, and I have to distance myself from what is bad ~~~ 10:01, tired, full and hungry in the same time. Je suis à cran. Fatiguée, on est que mardi. Correction d'une synthèse, prof que j'aime pas. Soirée qui s'est finie trop tard, mal de crâne. J'ai bien aime être avec mon amie, mais j'ai mal de crâne. Anyways, I finally found someone to share my obsession for Kisarazu cat's eye !!!!!!!!!!! We watched it together, and if was fun !!! I hope they didn't hate me for being so hyped !! arriving late of purpose for the class I don't like oops... Acting like a bad brat lately i'm tired to pretend. ~~~ woaw never opening my instagram dm again it's a goodbye, or story of feed, they're all cringe and i don't want to get kews about any of them ~~~ I have to water my plants, and talk about my plants to my friend so I don't forget !!! 8:12, Monday morning Arriving late at uni, oughh so many people in the public transport 20:19, Sunday. 14°c, weather prevision announced grey day and rain but it ended up being such a beautiful day Indeed so grey in the morning, but it was such a nice luminosity A and I spend some time wandering outside and talking about sooo many things, I love them i love love them so much, it's been 10 years we know each other and it's such a lovely person We learned to know each other, we are sharing so many references and advices and we are just giving the best to each other every time. They inspire me and I inspire them - the feeling is reciproque and this feeling is so important. It's strawberry shortcakeS (film from 2006) in plural !!!! and it's cat eye in singular !!!! Found a big red jacket. I should have offered them some more food (tartines & quiche). They don't eat raw tomatoes Such a lovely Sunday. I am happy ~~~ Genuinely don't appreciate being idealised and lowkey like it if the peeps stay discret ~~~ Must fix the typefont on this page (MS Gothic font-family is not in charge on phone) ~~~ 3:55, woke up thirsty Lately, I often wake up at this hour, what kind of dream spirit has cursed me ? Played .flow ~~~ 12/04/25, Saturday, 22:24 ; night time. Soo tired ! I cleaned the house, put on my uniform and went out to walk under the sun and cherry trees ! Felt in my element, felt myself. Was sitting in the forest, drinking my iced matcha I pre-maded and took some rasperries in a little box. Bought some tomatoes, ate tomatoes. Started to write a novel about somebody who is "lost" and doesn't want to be found, who is very well organized and about to die. It will be like an informing testament, something like this ; it will tell 13 ways to succeed your suicide, and inform about recession rights. Excited to develop more... Probably on technostalgia. Litterature inspires me. I want to write more, I know it helps me to cope with reality ! Some loud alarm in my street, no one seems to care. I don't know if it's a car or a house, because there is a red lignt twinkling from the opposite house. Thieves attack ? Locking myself in. Closing all windows. ~~~ Added some musics. What if a song is linked to someone you used to love and is not there anymore ? (I need to link it to something new.) Synthesis of lost memories, I am all alone in this project.

just night thoughts

Letting people go, because they abandon me too. I am scared to repeat this schematic pattern (kind of traumatic experience of love towards people who doesn't feel the same way in the end because they are so many other people around, they got interested to my physical first? The fact I am asian, people here overestimate this identity trait) I think I am too close to death all the time, and instability might afraid people who seek for a future, for life. They will not stick to you if you are dying, you know ? They will not stick to you because you don't match their ideologies they have of you. "I am the kind of person who wants to spend quality meaningful time. I can not lost time, I am a busy person so if we ever spend irl time together, it means you are important to me." Well people are so busy nowadays I never answering messages on time, always having a wrong timing, i am working on that, I guess I can tell my timing is just how I function I just got kind of reflective about how lonely I can be, and I am becoming so normal about it People will always move and remplace you anyways, you can not run away this rule. french blabla mdrrr je viens de lire quels sont les droits de successions et c'est abusément payant et cher et cela dépend de ton patrimoine, donc de tes objets accumulés sauf que big syndrome de Diogene que j'ai personne voudra de mes trucs et on va me laisser crever toute seule Mes carnets et objets peuvent aller brûler en fait j'vais me mettre à creuser des trous dans la terre pour y foutre des bails

4:07, night My neighbours are having a dispute I think they're drunk because they are yelling, i wonder what happened... On the main time, in the right middle of my window there is a huge spider and I don't know if it is inside or outside but I feel a bad omen update : the spider disappeared (; ~ ;*)... 21:45, evening, going home

A day outside

Why should I always mention MADK, nitro+chiral or room n°9 in a discussion when someone just know a little bit about yaoi ? i am poison Spend some time outside today, it went well. Discovered a Fullmetal Alchemist artbook and it was so pixelized. Bought some bear/cat/bunny/poussin candy shaped and this is the best ! Wanted to drink hazelnut coffee but wasn't any on the menu so ended up drinking a ginger beer. Someone paid my drink and I haven't got the chance to pay them back, I don't like this situation because I feel like I owe something to someone

Going to sociology Checking plants ✅ (must check when I come back home because it's pretty sunny today) is thyme needs lot of water ? Sociology was so interesting as usual, we saw lots of schemas of inequality. Also the repartition of richness is mindblowing, so unfair, that's crazy. Our teacher is speaking directly to us, as a hope for the future. But stupid students keep chatchatting about their day, invaluable opinions on shoes and whatever. Some are just leaving in the middle of the course, this is so irresponsible. Young people are failing it. I can't believe we are failing it and the destruction of our world is our fault. They need to wake up, to act to manage it in their fucking mind, their fucking life schedule. 23:14, 7°c Je découvre sa lettre dans ma boîte aux lettres "C'est très fort la solitude en ce moment, c'est calme. Trop calme. Le social me rend malade parfois, ou juste mal. Epuisant, je comprends. (...) J'ai toujours envie de tout annuler, je devais revoir un ami qui est dans la même école que toi, mais on a annulé, j'ai l'impression qu'il veut me voir par intérêt. (...) Demain, j'ai un date avec quelqu'un qui m'a proposé d'aller boire un verre. J'ai accepté car je me sens seul.e, mais j'ai sincèrement des craintes, j'ignore ce que l'on attend de moi ; je ne veux pas plaire, je veux parler de philosophie et de destruction." 17:23, sunny Took a nap, checking my plants because excited !! must eat something... social media are stupid and I keep scrolling on it (stop it!) Hopefully Neocities is not a consumerist social media i like it here, stay forever I'm daydreaming about offering tomatoes to someone I love 14:13, 11°c Sun rays transcend the clouds and now is gentle shining My body hurt (knee, legs) pms symptoms I studied a little bit, made my agenda. Exams is pretty soon actually. I can't wait to read more books. I wonder if the uni library will be open on summer, if not I should try public library too! Tidying the house. I have to give away so many things. I found some basilic seeds and decided to plant them !!! hehehe It makes me happy. more happy than I thought. 🌱🌱🌱 9:39 Woke up, the sky is covered with very white clouds. Day off, I don't know what I want to do today. Should I study ? I will do my agenda schedule for exams. I heard we can have notes for the communication and analysis class. I have to finish reading Mme Bovary for litterature exam. Studying philosophy also ! Philosophy and history of art. I wonder if they will be sun today ~~~ 2:21, night time, all my neighbours are asleep Re-watched Noriko's Dinner table (2005), I understand it even better

more on tumblr and also here ~~~ on my way to make me a coffee hehe ~~~ Day off tomorrow :+) it's 20:54 and I have all my time to think ~ ~~~ 17:15 Just binged three books in the library oughh 📚📖 Calligraphy, MEDIAVILLA Claude, 1996. (ULB : 7NIV - 445.61 MEDI) Graffiti and the Writings arts of early Modern England, FLEMING Juliet, 2001. The Complete guide to Calligraphy, MARTIN Judy, STRIBLEY Miriam, 1984, United States. ~~~ 12:00 - 14:13 :

litterature class

Talked with this usual smoker guy who looks way older than everyone in class. We spoke about art, writing and litterature. He told me he read Tolstoi years ago and likes the impressive surrealism the author has managed to illustrate in his writings. I tell him my thoughts about Dostoïevski, my excitation for the course we had about russian litterature. Later on, we left the auditorium and he told me he does music (he has an organ at his place (what kind of person is own an orgue at homeee??) and his artistic focus on direction in art life intertwined. He is libanese and his father is an art director or has a gallery. He told me my notes are interesting and well done and asked me if i actually write a litterature piece, and i ended up speaking about the novel I wrote with my two characters (Knife and Scars) about pretty dark thematics (drugs, prostitution, addictions, suicide) - litterally my oc in Slow Damage x Fight Club x Snakes and Earrings atmosphere haha YEAH ANYWAYS - and thinking to write another novel about importance of self-expression, art, protests. Also I should write a chapter about self-harm for the story of Kuroge and Shirotan, since the title of the story is related with this thematic and I just literally skipped that part (it was obvious in my head) or just more physionomic descriptions of the characters. Because a friend of mine read it and asked me why this title ? and I struggled to answer because it was such an evidence to me that I even forgot to mention about it.

also In auditorium today I noticed my eyesight has deteriorated since the beginning of the year ~~~ Looking for : Les Fleurs de Victor Hugo ~~~ List of books I want to borrow at university library before exammmmmmms :

(?) Calligraphy & handwriting in America, 1710-1962 George Peabody Library.; Filby, P. William, 1911-; 1963 Calligraphy in the copperplate style Kaufman, Herb; Homelsky, Geri; 1980 Calligraphy today : twentieth-century tradition and practice Child, Heather; 1988 Modern scribes and lettering artists. 1980 (!!) The calligraphers' dictionary Folsom, Rose; 1990 Calligraphic alphabets Baker, Arthur; 1974 Manual of modern calligraphy Shepherd, Margaret; 1988, c1984 L'art de la calligraphie Moring, Annie; 1996 (!!) The calligrapher's handbook Child, Heather; Society of Scribes and Illuminators (Great Britain); 1986, c1985 (!!) Calligraphic styles Gourdie, Tom.; 1979 Written letters : 22 alphabets for calligraphers Svaren, Jacqueline; c1975, 1976 (!!) Calligraphic lettering with wide pen & brush Douglass, Ralph; 1955

~~~~ This notebook written with a non-waterproof ink that make me think about my own way of writing and archiving my material notes ; I used to write on paper with a very comfortable fountain pen, but the fact writings can disappear in one drop make me realise the temporarity and fragility of this way of creation. Then, what about writing on a web platform ? What if one day, you don't have any access to it anymore ? (such accident and misfortune as burning servers, or deletion of your site, or access denied...) I am thinking about it. I am thinking about how ephemeral the world is, but also the medias (as support) we use. I could say that i am not that afraid to lose any of them, because somehow creative people will always find a way to express themselves. But it's a reality we will have to face and to accept, the temporary fact of our world. ~~~ Maybe one day I will make a decent about page... ~~~ just a list of things i decided to do today : - ✔️read my book about desobeissance (even took handwritten notes !!!) - ✔️print stickers at uni (was a stressful hell, so many people on tuesday !!!) - ✔️eat and cook zucchini (just ate) ___ 9:36, 5°c, chilly Don't want to get up. I've been sleeping under cherry trees near the window. The atmosphere is so calming... I don't know how to dress today and what I want to do after class this afternoon, there are so many possibilities. What are the best activities to do inside/outside ? How should I dress to feel comfortable, optimized and functional ? Cherry trees are beautiful, I kind of don't want to miss that (not going to the centrum, it's a loss of time when it's spring) Even if I go to centrum or anywhere I can stick my stickers. Oh I am going to print some this afternoon at uni. Thennn I kind a want to wander outside to burn calories (but not sure) at night. Dusk is beautiful. Dusk is beautiful. Dusk is beautiful. I wanted to go buy things at cim d'ix but I went yesterday and forgot to fo half of the mission, and I don't plan to go back twice there again. Must tidying up my place ! I will not receive anyone anyways. So I should start to pack things in boxes for my move. Then eating something, because there are things I must cook before it dies in my fridge... Then listen at music (goth ost are so good ! I wonder if I can find the book in a library... somehow want to pass to Pêle-mêle) ____ 19:35, 7 april. Sunny. Cherry blossoms are at their paroxysm ! So calming, quiet, lovely. Today was alright, I had time in my schedule and find myself wander in the university library which is soooo huge, I borrowed a book about "Désobéissance civile". Then I called the doc, bought some futomaki !!! They were so good ! There is a notice they're selling -50% after 19:30. I wonder if there are still things left. I might go wander another day. ~~~ *daydreaming* oh to find someone with the same interests as you...

(impossible, impossible, impossible)

23:17, *stupid window update removed the t° widget* Drank so much coffee & now I am all awake and I have early class in the morning tomorrow (more coffee) I really must attend to uni tomorrow because it's about asian philosophy !!! but also I have to do a call tomorrow and i am not hyped anyways My evening was so pretty and perfect, cosy film, nice flavour, lovely drink So full of quietness and calm and peaceful I hope my dream tonight will be kind ~~~ Want to own MADK and Goth in manga !!! aghhh Also Adekan... update : found scan of Goth !!! & bought in second hand ~~~ 23:36, 13°c Watching Goth (2008) life is good ___ JOPEFULLY LMAO nap resets my brain, jopefully i have lists and journals to remember (what if Neocities crashes forever ?) 20:03, 16°c took a nap, what era are we what have i done the past two days who am i what should i do now i want sushi :+( ~~~ 17:35, 20°, sunny woke up sooo early, walk walk walk a lot ! 1) went to cemetery 2) went to Arkham studio (want to come draw there more often !!) 3) saw J'Ryu, a childhood friend of my bro 4) bought a thyme plant with purple flower 5) was wearing a white chale to protect my head and also bevause i chopped off my hair and when i braid them it looks like... wheat 6) knotted omamori and offered them to strangers 7) having empathy and feelings for your teacher 6:31 I want to visit Lae at the cemetery and write her a letter (add writing on eternal page) like last year and the following years. Her birthday was on 6th april 2002 ___ What if I have feelings for my teacher and write them a letter then offered it to them ? This is what happened. Also helped an doctorant to complete their mémoire and borrowed a book at the university library. They wanted to pay me but I refused, help is help. ___ 19:41, 21°c Look at how pretty the view of my window looks ! window's view

bought a spinach roll but there was no spinach in it :+( Decided to cut some printed omamori on paper to offer them to trees and slide them in letterboxes~

Finished to reading analysis for assignment tomorrow. Then decided to draw on dotict to plan a new pixelart tapestry hehee, excited about that ! Planning a travel maybe. I want to visit Stockholm, because Ritualmord tbh. I want to go to Vilnius also. Spend the night traveling on gmaps! until 3:45am... Address I like to search : secondhand store (friperie), cafe, bibliotheques/library, skateparcs, museum, coffee shop again hahaha and hotels (some hotels are sooo pretty, at first it seems stressing to find and book an hotel but searching the ones you really want to visit (depending the location, the activites, quarter,..) is fun to do. Booking is another affair, and taking public transports in another country with a different language is also another story haha ! But traveling is so much fun and make you discover the diversity of the world and lots about yourself ! 23:45, 14°c, night time Because I slept all afternoon, i am awake now. I am thinking about relationships with people, Kaiba (anime), future and past, loneliness, while crocheting No way my crush asked me to go out Don't fuck it up envy oK stay calm STAY CALM ____ I love resting. i love reseting. Wanted to invite a friend to celebrate hanami under the sakura tree but she is already busy :+( only girls picnik 🌸 i will find my gurls 21:24, 16°c, 26km/h wind. Took a loooong nap after studying for uni and crocheted a cute tapestry and laces ! ___ why is my nose so short ___ 18:14, 14°c but it feels 6-7°c honestly because 23km/h of wind. Went to uni to learn more about politics but it was boring and I couldn't focus because 1) a group of random people sit next to me (but i still am sick and not attempting to see or talk to anyone) 2) they were 3-4 and chatchatting and i felt uncomfortable 3) they took their time to get out the audit and I had to run away fast, and i think i make a bad impression, but i don't know them actually (i just recognise one gurl who is very good looking but anyways) :+( so uh. was not my better day. -92726 aura Went to post the package I made for Lou but the wind was so strong outside, now my eyes hurt and i had to hold an insane coughing in a full crowd tram (had to get out cause i was dying) lol never again. I hope penpal will like my poor package i had to crush in their mailbox I am now home, safe, tired wow But good for now, I walked, burnt some calories and acknowledged about that my head still hurts and my corpse is no yet ready to do a fullday, hu. ___ Can't forget this *serious look, dramatic, cry* ___ 00:12, 9°c, 01/04/25 Watched Petal Dance (2014), this film was absolutely so calming. The main theme is about the suicide attempt of a young woman and her two friends visiting her in hospital. They meet another girl who also know about suicide of her friend on the road, who lost her job and was thinking of killing herself somehow. Honestly, there is a bitter sweet taste if you know Aya Koike character (if you ever watched Love Exposure from 2008) but the palette atmosphere is truly so calming. When do people stop saying good-bye to each others ?

When do people stop saying good-bye to each others ?

Finished Tsurune! (season 1 and 2) It was such a lovely ride, felt like I've made friends through the seasons. I will miss them ! The animation studio made an amazing work. The story and relationships between characters are so interesting, deep and special !! I love the aura it gives, the mebtal strength of a social group / club activities.